Could it be? Am I really?

There is no way! I'm at PEACE with cycle 10 and the new year. It feels like a clean slate. Almost like I have a fresh, clean start. Almost like trying to make something out of clay, only to have it dry out and become a lump you want to throw away. Then, someone gives you a fresh piece of material. Adam seems to be determined to help in the planning this cycle. He bought me OPKs, asks me how I'm feeling, and is making an honest effort to make sure we are not just having sex, but making love and having fun. Its touching really. Maybe we are just throwing caution and planning and overcontrolling to the wind and trying to have fun again. I don't know what it is, but I'm trying to enjoy it.
Work is getting harder and harder to enjoy. My pg co-irker makes sure to complain daily of her aches and pains of being pg. Not our fault you quit taking your BCP. Maybe next time, you will think twice and wrap it up. Condoms (or even BCP) is much cheaper than a baby. Stupid whiner. On top of it, everyone keeps asking if we are pg again. Like I want that spread around again. No. We aren't pg. Yes we are still trying. No we aren't overtrying. Yes, we will go to the dr. No, it won't be super soon, we have bigger things to think about right now.

Trying to deal with so much bull that I'm starting to think that I'm surrounded by shit. Trying to look on the brighter side, but after what MIL did Christmas Day and all, its been dark. SO sick and tired of family pointing out that Adam and I are the only couple with out kids now. Thanks. No pressure or hard feelings or anything. Just a gentle push off the cliff. With a backhoe. And you would think H's aunt and uncle who tried for 5+ years would be more sympathetic to what's going on. Instead, they are putting pressure on us too. Thanks. Just remember that you were in our shoes not too long ago. Grace is 18 months. just over 2 years ago, you were dealing with this still. Thanks for the support. Its like bouncing on a trampoline wearing a tshirt and no bra. Feels great. Next year, we are driving ourselves to Christmas. I don't like not being able to control when I get to leave.

Here's to a New Year. Good friends, Good fun, Good family, Good times. Party it up ladies. This year, we are getting pregnant!

I miss you angel!

Today would have been your birth day. We miss you. Hope you are behaving for Jesus.
Love you, sweetheart. **HUGS**

She's drowning

And I can't help her.
I'm talking about Adam's cousin. She's dating a guy who has been in rehab for a really long time. He's been in detox since Deer Opener. That's like 3 weeks. I guess he's cheated on her a few times while in detox/rehab (the facility is in the cities, about 2 or 3 hours away). She's chosen him over the family pretty much every time. She didn't come to deer opener so that we could have a birthday party for her daughter. She didn't come to the Thanksgiving we had at the IL's house. She didn't meet up with Adam and I when we went out to eat on Friday. She's forming her life around this scum bag that no one in the family likes. I asked her if she's going to bring him to the house for Christmas. She said "Maybe. Depends on if he's out of treatment. And if he is and he comes, there can't be booze in the house at all." Umm that don't work in the Goose's house. There is always wine, wine coolers, and harder alcohol. The thing I don't understand, is her dad is a recovered alcoholic. He will have a non alcoholic beer with the rest of us if he feels like it, but most of the time he's happy with a Pepsi or some juice. Her dad even thinks he's the scum of the land. They didn't meet up with us for lunch because it was at a brewery/sports bar type eatery. All because there was booze in the place. HELLO! Does that mean you don't go into a grocery store because they sell it? Do you stay out of someone's house because they could have alcohol somewhere? Seriously, its called self control. They really do teach that shit in rehab. Pisses me off because he's seeming to be the kind of person who only goes into rehab to avoid jail time. Adam and I are willing to bet that is the deal.
I used to be SO close to this woman. We were closer than best friends. Her daughter used to come running to me when I came in her house. Now it takes a long friggin time before she even lets me ask for a hug without running away. This woman was there for me in so many ways while planning the wedding and all. It seems like she just doesn't care anymore. She used to always tell me that having a boyfriend wasn't in the cards until she got everything settled with her daughter's father. Guess its all taken care of because she never used to ditch family for a guy!
I really wish there was something I could do to show her that he's bad news, But I'm not stupid. I know that you can always lead a horse to water but not make them drink. You can also send a boy to college but you can't make him think. She's going to have to find out the hard way and my heart breaks for how its going to effect her. Where are the life jackets for times like these?

Turkey Day!

Well, its that time of year to gather the family around the table and stuff food down their throats until they explode...then you move the beached whales to the living room for a nap and the back for pie! That's Turkey day Goose style.
This year is very different. We had a Turkey day on Sunday to make sure all the family was there because Adam's Great Aunt DiDi is dying. Well, that didn't even work out very well because his cousin (the one with the baby) decided her boyfriend in Detox is more important. I'm thinking Christmas will be the same, but I'm not going there now. It was a great day other wise. I don't think that house has ever been so full of family, food, and love. It brought me close to tears a few times for DiDi to tell everyone "I'm so glad to be here. Jesus wanted me to see this and know that I'm loved. I feel so much better than I did earlier this week" Yea, grab the tissues!
Now, I work tonight and tomorrow 8-2 then its off to Adam's other Aunt and Uncles. This should be interesting.
The very first Christmas I went to on MIL's side of the family was...dramatic. His aunt, MaryAnne (the one hosting this year's turkey) freaked out on all the parents for not watching their kids while they were doing projects and making messes all over their new clothes. I was freaked out by this lady. The next year, her middle child, Logan asked me to get him a piece of chocolate. I said ok and he said "Thanks" and went about his merry way. I looked over and MaryAnne is GLARING at me. Little did I know she forbids her kids to eat any sweets. Only veggies and fruit. Umm, CHILL lady. Its a damn holiday and its not like I poured a 10 lb bag of sugar down his throat. Its a friggin miniture Herseys bar! I was told to ignore her because they also don't like drinking (WTF DUDE!!), swearing (OOPS), and any premarital anything (HEHE). They even have their kids ask to go to the bathroom. Nazi woman.
On top of that, this is the side of the family that is almost purely Oops babies. This year (cause its a new one each year) its Adam's cousin, Cole and his girlfriend Anna. That is trouble waiting to happen. She hasn't been going to the dr like she should, she knows she's having a girl, but the name is SO out there. But Whatever I guess for a 20 y/o. its gonna be hard because I know if I don't drink, they will be asking if I'm pg, and if I do drink, there will be nothing but questions "Why aren't you pg yet?" "You aren't trying hard enough" "Stop trying so hard" and whatever else. I'm thinking about bringing my own box of Kleenex and water proof mascara. Its gonna be a tough day.
But we are going Black Friday shopping. Sounds like we are going to St Cloud and not up here in Brainerd. Lovely. St Cloud is worst than the Twin Cities just because of all the stupid college kids that drive like maniacs. And all we need to do in St Cloud is get our rings inspected. Guess we kinda have to make a day of it down there. Pray I come back alive and not all stressed out! LOL
Now, I challenge anyone reading this to make a list. Things you are thankful for and things you wish for in the new year. Yes, I stole this idea off of TF.
I'm thankful for my family, Adam, Ceadee, our health, our home, our jobs, friends near and far, and all the opportunities we have.
This next year, I'm hoping for a baby (or atleast a BFP), more health and happiness, a better job for me, possibly a house of our own, and all the best to all our friends and family.
Happy Turkey Day! Don't forget your stretch pants!

Eh, Why not?

I saw this on Shannon's Blog and thought "Why not?" So here goes!

Answer the following with one word:

Where is your cell phone? table
Where is your significant other? working
Hair color? dishwater
Your mother? Amazing
Your father? Inspiring
Your favorite thing? family
Your dream last night? insanity
Your dream/goal? mom
The room you’re in? livingroom
Your hobby? reading
Your fear? loneliness
Where do you want to be in 6 years? here
Where were you last night? here
What you’re not? excited
One of your wish-list items? BFP
Where you grew up? MN
The last thing you did? eat
What are you wearing? pjs
Your TV? Sanyo
Your pet? cat
Your computer? Dell
Your mood? anxiety
Missing someone? ohyea
Favorite store? Target
Our summer? WORK
Love someone?Husband
Your favorite color? pastels
When is the last time you laughed? today
Last time you cried? 5mins?

What a weekend!

I froze my butt off and learned a good lesson this weekend. Deer hunting is freaking COLD!!! I had 4 layers on the bottom, and like 6 layers on top. Plus 3 pairs of socks. Don't forget the chopper mittens and hand warmers. I did have some fun, but MY GOD its a lot of work to walk in that many layers. Since I wasn't hunting, I was able to choose where I went and who I sat with. I sat with H at his mom's stand, his stand, and one of the drives. The other times, I was sitting with his Grandpa. The sights were beautiful! We sat in a wood shed that was basically like a very small open but covered hut. Just big enough for a few chords of wood and 2 chairs. The view was amazing though. We didn't see anything, but one of the guys in the hunting party was able to shoot. He ended up hitting the deer (and it would have been a fatal shot) but there were some hunters a little farther up (Not in our hunting party) who finished the deer off. Now, this pisses me off because the sportsman's rule is if the deer is hit (would be fatal shot) and another hunter hits the deer too, the first hunter gets the deer. If the shot isn't fatal, the second hunter is welcome to it. The guy who finished the deer off didn't follow the rules and kept the deer. "That's ok" FIL said, "When he shoots a deer and it ends up on our land, we will do the same thing to him that he did to us today. What goes around comes around". I'm down with that.
Next year though, I'm just going to make dinner and go do girly things that won't require me to be up before the ass crack of dawn to put on layers and then walk out into the woods to freeze.
There's also a ton of personal crap going down. Please just pray it gets cleared up and we can get back on track soon. I really hate this. I don't really want to get into it, but we just need prayers and time.
Hope everyone else had a good weekend!

Songs for the mood (please don't read into it): "Change My Mind" John Berry
"Maybe He'll Notice Her Now" Mindy McCready
"No Doubt About It" Neal McCoy

Well,

Evidently I'm totally losing my mind because I'm not pregnant. On to cycle 9. Adam seemed to be so hurt when I told him that November wasn't our month either. We have one more chance to get pg before Christmas comes.
I really don't want to see H's cousin and his pg girlfriend parading her big belly in my face. I know its not intentional, but it doesn't change anything.
I also found out that H's great aunt has been given a time line. She has about 5 months left to live. The tumor has wrapped itself around her brain stem and is compressing on the cognative thinking side. We are having Thanksgiving the Sunday before so that we can make sure everyone gets to be there.
It sure hasn't been an easy year, that's for sure. Here's to hoping that 2009 brings more happiness and good times and good friends.

WTF is wrong with me?

Seriously, I think I'm losing my mind. Today I was just fine and happy as a clam at work and even laughing and joking around with customers. Then I got to Kohl's (I got a few gift cards in the mail) and on the way there it was like something snapped and I just got biitchy. Then inside I got all sentimental and wishy washy while walking through the store. I started getting bored looking at stuff for myself and H so I walked over to the baby/maternity section. I found a book I liked and held onto it like it was the most precious thing in the world. Then I walked to the kitchen stuff and found something else there that I liked. Well, I had to make a choice so I called H. I got pissy with him for no reason and then hung up on him and started bawling in the store. It was like this choice was life or death to me. I gathered myself enough to get to the check out and out to the car before tearing up again. I got home and just slumped over in my chair and started crying like I've never cried before. No idea why. Just thinking about it makes me tear up again.
I'm not kidding when I say that it really felt like the choices I was making would effect the rest of my life in a HUGE way. I've never felt like this before. I want to test so bad just to see if that is my problem. I feel like I have no control over my emotions.
I've also been having the most vivid of dreams and in all of them I'm either pg or looking for my baby.
I'm wondering if my mind is playing tricks on me and I just want to be pg that badly, or if I am. I do want to wait to test, but I also want to know wtf is going on.

I almost forgot

The video for the moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NO2nqcN3EGg

Seriously?!? Did that really just happen?

UGH people just piss me off. People with no heart throwing around insults not knowing the pain you are already in because of another stupid person's first post. Seriously, this is the whole reason I just want to give up on humanity. People suck. There are a few people out there that actually have hearts and listen to their inner voice, but its the ones that throw caution to the wind and don't think before they "say" anything. Today, I was wished infertility. Yea, like that doesn't cut deep. That hurts more than they could ever know. Not only am I on cycle 8 and month 10 (not the longest, but anyone reading knows thats long enough) and having troubles getting pregnant again after a loss. Then I'm wished INFERTILITY?!?! What the hell kind of world is this? I guess that I need to click that little red X in the corner and walk away from that. Too bad because there are some nice people on there.
And there are people who post a photo of their BFP (big fat positive for those who don't know) and say "I'm new to the Getting Pregnant Board. Do you see a second line?" Yes I do. Now take your stupid ass directly to first trimester and get the hell away. Seriously.
December is coming up fast. I'd be about 34 weeks. Pray that it happens again before then.

Major prayer request

Ok, normally I leave other people to talk about their lives and try not to spread someone else's news. But I have to make an exception. One of my customers that is super sweet and always positive is going through something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Last I saw of her, she was about 7 mos pregnant with twins (both boys I think) and telling another pregnant woman (who was expecting only one) "If I can give birth to triplets and then turn around and get pregnant and carry twins, you can do anything you want. Just hold your head up and remember why you are putting your body through those paces". I saw her today and was shocked to see that she hadn't gotten any bigger and was looking super out of it. I asked her how she was doing since I didn't expect her to be upright and in the store. She looked at me and I about lost it. She told me that she had an emergency c-section and had to deliver the babies early. Neither one of the babies made it. My heart broke like a shattered mirror. My heart went out to her as a mother of an angel, myself. She asked me to not ask about it anymore because she was having a hard time holding it together. She gave birth on the 8th and today was the 14th. She was heavily drugged for the pain (physical and mental) that she could barely walk and talk. Please keep this woman (about my age) in your prayers as she struggles to keep her head up and deal with everyday life with triplets at home (I think they are about 2 or 3). Please pray for all women dealing with the loss of a child or pregnancy. Thank you for reading.

Its been a while

Since I've posted on here. I have to admit, there are days I want to come on and spill my guts out here, but I'm afraid of being that vulnerable. The emotions are so raw and cut me so deep. I know its part of the "Grand Design", but that doesn't mean I have to agree.
I found out tonight that my cousin (who is older than me by about 2 years) is pregnant. I'm so excited for her, but can't help but feel a little green. I would have been almost 30weeks by now. Third trimester and huge. December and Christmas are coming fast and I already feel that our chance of getting pregnant by then is almost non-exhistant. There is a chance, but with how things are going, its not going to work out that way. There are many "OOPS" pregnancies around us right now and that tends to make it harder to keep going and keep trying. I know people say "Relax and enjoy being married. Kids will come when its time. You are still young and being pregnant once means you can do it again." Yea, I know I'm still young and healthy. I'm also perfectly ready for that expansion to our family. On to cycle 8 and month 10. Cross your fingers.
I'm so excited for all those who have found out they are pregnant (I LOVE YOU LADIES!) and those who have given birth so far (beautiful Mommies!). Please don't let my green eyed monster taint that at all.

Song for the mood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0
and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyd8vnuOdzI

So frustrated

I'm getting tired of charting for no reason...I'm about ready to just give up altogether.
Its getting really hard to want to temp anymore. I've actually missed a couple days temps. I just have a hard time making myself wake up for it when my OPKs are barely registering a test line. I've been thinking about nothing but my stupid chart and the whole lot lately. I know it will be hard to know when I O or when I'm late, but I think I'm willing to take that chance. I can see myself still working at this ttc well into 2009.
I feel strong resentment toward one of the girls at work. Pg with #2, her loser bf just popped the question (she's very stupid to have said yes) and all she wants to do is whine about how is sucks that she's pg again when she could barely afford her first child. Yea, she will tell me "Be glad you aren't pg. It sucks really bad." Thanks. That makes me really ache for that child I can't seem to have.
I know that I shouldn't be so upset over it because its only 7 cycles, but my cycles are so long that I've been trying over 9 months already! There are some ladies who can have 1 or 2 cycles in the time I have 1.
I've also been wondering what it would be like had I not m/c back in April. Today is actually the 5 month mark since it happened. How big would I be? What would it feel like to know what I'm having? To feel the movement in my belly? Would I have a nice round belly or just look fat? With so many ladies pg or with newborns around me, its so hard to not get upset.
I really think I should take at least 1 cycle off from charting. Maybe it will help me refocus.
Sorry for going on and on and whining. At least its out there and everyone knows what's going on with me. Sorry I've been such a downer lately.

20 Random things

Since Red tagged me, I suppose I better get cracking. This might take a while but here I go.
1. Adam and I have almost always known we were soul mates. We talked about getting married after knowing each other for 6 months and dating for about 4.
2. I also save everything. I'm really sad when I have to throw something out. I've thrown away a lot of things from when I was in grade school, but tried to keep the coolest of it all.
3. I'm addicted to buying baby clothes. I'll buy them, hide them from Adam, wash them, and hang them up in our closet before he sees I have more stuff.
4. I don't like having my photo taken. I either smile too big or not big enough.
5. I have severe OCD. When I start cleaning something, I don't stop until the whole house is spotless. I don't know when to stop in the middle.
6. I miss my first car. 1985 Chrysler LeBaron. Baby blue with white bleached out streaks where racing strips were. I put a sticker on the back that said "You just got passed...by a girl!"
7. I can't drive in the snow to save my life. Every year I get into some accident or near accident. I've been in the ditch, gone through medians and in front of oncoming traffic, lost control in town, gotten stuck (like REALLY stuck) and luckily, none of the cars were ever damaged.
8. I often wish Adam and I would buy a house in Colorado and move there. Away from his parents.
9. I applied to a college in CO to be near Adam had he been accepted into the Air Academy down there. That didn't work out though.
10. We used to talk a lot about moving to Alaska, but I would be that much farther from my mom.
11. My little sister is a spitting image of me when I was her age. Only she's VERY giggly!
12. I once used the "I think I'm pregnant" excuse on a former boyfriend just to get him to break up with me and run away. It backfired really bad.
13. I have a $19,000 diploma in Massage Therapy sitting in a box in the spare bedroom. And I work for $7.36/hour in a grocery store. What a waste that was.
14. When I was little, I wanted to be a country music star. My dad promised to buy me the first tour bus when I made it big.
15. I used to SUPER shy. To a fault. Couldn't talk to strangers or distant family members at all.
16. A part of me doesn't want to be pregnant again yet. I want to be able to use some coupons to buy OPKs and get that Fertility Blend from GNC.
17. I've always loved brussel sprouts. Since I was little. So yummy steamed and covered in a butter or cheese sauce.
18. I love ghost story shows and things like that, but am terrified of the dark.
19. I want to be a stay at home mom when we start having kids. Maybe do the day care thing for extra money.
20. I miss the days when Adam and I were first dating and I would get the worst butterflies while waiting for him to pick me up. Oh those were the days!


And now to tag others. How about AlpacaBunny, MissesRootBeer, Angie&Jun, StillABride, MrsH0606, and any others who haven't been tagged but have slipped my mind. And...GO!

And there are places you can't go, things you should not see...

Ok, since Adam has been pushing my buttons lately I figure I better blog it out before I kill him. He was talking last night about people who have survived against the odds. The first story he told was an Ok one that I never really asked to hear. The second he kept going into detail to such an extent that it really ground into my last nerve. It was about a mother who was at home late at night with her child, sleeping on the couch, waiting for her husband to come home. She is woke up by a large weight pushing down on her. She wakes up thinking it's her husband playing around only to find out its an intruder. She sends her kid upstairs and tells him to stay there until she comes and gets him. Then the intruder begins to rape and torture her. Stuffs her into a car, pawns her ring, brags about having her in the trunk, and rapes her several more times for many many hours. Why does this hit a nerve so hard? Let me tell you.
When I was 19 and living on my own, I went out to a party with a co worker. we went to a street dance and then back to the party. Adam and I were on a relationship break but had made the choice that night to get back together. When my co worker came to drop me off at my place, we were stopped by some guys coming out of the building I lived in. They started talking and basically followed me up to my apartment. I thought they looked nice enough and ignored my woman's basic instinct. My co worker said she would be coming back in a little bit. I went down to their apartment and hung out there for a little while until I got really tired and told them I was going to go back up to my place and go to bed. One of them (the youngest) followed me and told me he wanted to walk me up because he wanted to make sure I got home safe. (for hell's bells sake it was up 2 ramps and down 2 doors! I said ok and we talked. He followed me in and said he would leave in a little bit. He started talking about how he knew all the people that I knew because of Adam and that he was so much better than they all were. Then he tells me he wants to pop in a movie and watch it for a little bit. I looke at the clock and it said about 3 or 3:30 am. I said ok but he would have to leave very soon. He pulls a blanket over us and we watch the movie. Not even 15 mins in, he starts trying to put the moves on me. Trying to kiss me and pull off my pants. I said no, I'm not that kind of girl. He stops. About 5 mins later he tries again but when I say stop again, he takes a little longer to stop. About 5 mins after that, he tries again but doesn't listen. He yanks off my pants and starts to do what he wants. I keep saying no, but he won't stop. I tell him that he has to use a condom because I can't get pregnant. He goes into my bedroom and comes back out with one, and goes back to what he was doing. He then took me into my bedroom and keeps going. Over and over again. I just go numb and to a place where it doesn't hurt anymore. Finally he stops and says he needs to leave. I got up and went to my cell phone. It was almost 7 am. I sent a text message to Adam (who was working security at his college) and tell him that I will see him in the morning bright and early because I had something to tell him. Then, this guy decides to play the nice card and gives me a hug and tells me he's there for me if I ever need to talk. I closed the door and called Adam to tell him what had just happened. This is where my mind messed up. By me going to my safe place, I had blocked out that I had said no many times. I told Adam that I couldn't say it on the phone just then, but that it involved another man. He flipped out and told me that we would talk when I got down there. In the morning I woke up very tired and super sore. I still didn't have a full memory of what had happened. When I got there, Adam had written down a list of questions for me. About 5 minutes into him reaming me over the coals, my memory came flooding back. I started to cry. He asked what the hell I had to cry about. I told him in the most scared tone ever "I told him NO! I told him to stop! He didn't listen to me!" He stopped yelling at me and took a minute to soak this in. He then jumped up and started to try and comfort me. I didn't fight because this guy was much bigger and stronger than me. It wouldn't have done anything to help me because he was drunk and bulligerant.
Since then, we have seen him and he is very scared of Adam. I've told every woman in that town about him and what he did to me. I never got to turn him in because I felt that since I didn't fight harder and actually told him where the condoms were, I wouldn't be believed. He has since gained the reputation of a rapist and asshole. No woman will go near him and I have been told that women are further spreading the word to others. I hope he never does this again to any other woman. He knows that I know he's still out there. He knows that I can blow the whistle on him and get him in a lot of trouble (he likes to go after the young ones now). He will RUN out of any bar that I am in. I never did go to therapy, and have since grown very skittish when surrounded by a lot of men. I never again slept in that bed and refused to wear the clothes I was wearing. The bedding has since been thrown away along with the bed and blanket. Its been how I dealt with it. Just wanted to put that out there. I'm not looking for sympathy, just for understanding. I'll never again be the same nieve woman I used to be 4 years ago.

All things bright and beautiful...

Ok, I guess I was nominated for this award and I am honestly touched to no end. I also have been asked to nominate 7 fellow bloggers. I have chosed to Nominate Wed, Not Deadwho has helped me deal with so much with my m/c. Casey has helped me to not be stupid on GP and shows me that you can have ttc set backs and still be content with your situation. Shannon, who has taught me so many things about ttc. Total wealth of knowledge. AB AKA Steph who has dealt with so many hardships and still manages to smile. Andrea (rootbeer) who has shown me strength through the bad hands you can be dealt. Andrea (still a bride) has shown me that life keeps going. No matter what you need to keep going. And Finally (but not least by far) Angie. Dealt hard blow after hard blow and yet, she doesn't get discouraged. We all will be pregnant. I can feel it will happen VERY soon. You ladies are all beautiful! Love you!

And here come the tears

Ok, I have no idea what is making me so sad but I know that I just can't cheer up. Its like this huge black blanket is being pulled over me and all I want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for me. I'm so sick and tired of crying over what has happened. I know I'm still going to have bad days. And I do. But come on! My body seems to be rebelling against me, I have no energy to do anything I used to do, I hate just getting up to go to work, I hate being at work, I hate many things about where we live, I hate cooking lately (and I LOVE cooking now). What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm so sick and tired of my body taking so much longer each cycle to do what its supposed to do. I just want a friggin baby for crying out loud! Why can't I just ovulate and get it over with! I keep thinking that in some sick way that me miscarrying is God's way of saying that, while I really want a baby, I'm not meant to be more than just a mom to a poor abandoned kitten. That is horrible to think but its true. I'm also petrified to get pregnant again and keep thinking that if I do get pregnant again, that I will just miscarry again. I know I should really not think that way but I'm so scared. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if my only chance was flushed away that night?
Sad but true.
Song for the mood: http://youtube.com/watch?v=V54XBiOEuyc&feature=related

Our Little Addition

Ok, so its been about a week and a half to two weeks since we got our little bugger. Since Ceadee has been around, Adam and I have been super close. I think its a part of us that we really needed to get. He's so proud when she does the smallest things and the smallest things she does just melts his heart. She does this for me too. I love waking up every 2-3 hours to put her in her litter box and then feed her. I love putting her on my chest and napping with her. I suppose I better go back and tell the story of how we got her.
Well, my in laws have a pole barn with a false floor. Their dog must have heard the kittens crying and started to dig. After so long, there was a big hole under the barn and out tumbled a bunch of kittens. Well, the dog grabbed one up and took it over by the house. The momma cat must have started moving the kittens at that point because my father in law saw that the dog had slobbered up the kitten. He picked it up, dried it off, and tried to put it back. After about 45 mins he went back and saw that all the other kittens were gone except the one he had put back. She was abandoned. Poor thing was all slobbered up and no momma to clean her up! So my mother in law decided that our family should raise this kitten and see if we could get it to live. She called Adam and asked him if we would be willing to take care of a small kitten for a little while. We agreed and tried to keep in mind that she might not live because she's not with her mother anymore and wasn't eating. I fell in love at first sight. I even had a hard time letting anyone else hold her. I made sure to keep her close and warm as much as possible. When we weighed her on June 19th, she was a healthy .72 lbs. We went and wieghed her again yesterday (Thursday) and were shocked to see her balloon out to a plump .96 lbs. She gained almost a full quarter pound in exactly one week! She's been getting bigger, stronger, and more hungry everyday. Adam and I have also agreed that we aren't going to give her back. We have spent way too much time and energy (and money) to give her back and have my in laws put her outside and have her killed or taken away by a bigger animal. She's going to be an inside cat that goes outside for a while everyday. She has been taking pretty well to litter box training and more solid foods. She sleeps almost constantly. She's amazingly cute and makes us so happy to have her.
I also think that its true that having animals relaxes you. If I get pregnant this cycle of not, I know I'm going to be ok with it because I still have a baby that I can spoil and carry around. On top of it all, Adam and I can go to Valleyfair together. That is exciting all in itself!

Every Once In a While

The name of a song by a band I used to listen to. The name of the band is "BlackHawk" and I used to love them. For one reason or another, I just thought about that song. Every once in a while I think about my little one. I listened to "My Name" and "Glory Baby" last night. OF course it made me bawl like a little baby. I can't believe how long its been since I was in the hospital. Seven weeks. I would have been a full day away from 12 weeks. How the time flies. I still think about it all the time and always think about how I would do this or that being pregnant and how I would be feeling. Would I be sick all the time? Would I be tired? Would I be bloated already? Would people who didn't know be able to tell? All things I will never know but always wonder.
I've been sick lately and really think that I am doomed to be sick every cycle from now on. I hate how tired I feel and how I'm not in the mood to sleep anymore. I've slept so much other the past few days and even called in yesterday! I NEVER call in unless I feel super sick and I had a temp of 100.4. I think that qualifies as being able to call off. I also got Adam sick so I know that I was contagious. That is not a good thing. If I were to give this to anyone or to manage to re-infect myself, I would be so upset.
I have a feeling with all that we are planning for this cycle, that it will be our time. Things just seem to be going right. My brother is out of prision, Adam and I aren't fighting all the time (hope I didn't jinx it) and I'm starting to feel a little better each day. I just hope that it will be our time.
And for those who are curious about the song, here's the link to youtube. Sorry the audio sucks but its a good song none the less. Enjoy! http://youtube.com/watch?v=4DfseyymR1s

Saliva In Concert

OH.MY.DEAR.GOD. The concert was so fun! I have to start at the beginning of my day though for the full effect of our day on Thursday! I had the day off so I got to sleep in as late as I wanted. I was awake my 10. Great. Now what? I was sitting in front of my good ol' buddy thenest when Adam called and asked me to come into his store and help him with some things he needed to do so that he could get out on time. I said yes and started getting ready. 2 hours later I finally head out the door and am on my way. Working there wasn't very fun. Putting numbers in the computer. Yeay. After that, we did his other work and then went home to change. We then call to see if we could buy tickets ahead of time and were told we needed to pick them up in person by 6 for the discount. DAMN! That was about 1Hr 15 mins away! We would never make it no matter how we drove. Tried to ask his friend to go pick them up. Nope. Too lazy. DAMN! I really wanted to go and there were going to be tickets at the door but no guarantee that we would get them. So I called good ol' Daddy. Thought he was down there visiting his girlfriend. He said he would go get them for us but it would be about 5:45 when he got there. I didn't realize he was at home! (30 miles away from the tickets) but he still agreed. That said and done, we kept driving. I think its a good time to point out that the weather was REALLY bad and at times, the water was sitting on the road and pulling cars all over. We were making great time when I saw this THING walking onto the road. I thought it was a HUGE crow or a raven. I told Adam to slow down because it wasn't running or flying. He slams on the brakes and lays on the horn, Its a damn WILD TURKEY! Well, it flew up and over the car just in time and slammed back onto the road. It then realized it was time to get out of the road and booked it out of there. Dumb animal. Well, long story short, my dad made it in time for the tickets (and got a few weird comments from the other concert goers) and when we picked them up, he gave me my late birthday present. A monkey etching. A Momma monkey and a baby monkey. It looks professionally done. My dad did this. Anyway, we stood outside the hall for the concert and were waiting to get in. The rain kept getting worse and worse. Thank God we got under the canopy before hand!
The opener band was really bad. It seemed more like the lead "singer" wanted to be the lead screamer. It was noise, not music. Saliva came on stage and I gotta say, the lead singer is a little heavier than I thought he was in the video, but who am I to judge. WOW. What a bunch of characters! One looked like he belonged in Ozzy's crew and another looked like he belonged next to Slash from Guns N Roses! The drummer's dreds were as long as my hair used to be (down to his waist). The guitar guy(the Ozzy guy) was spitting/spraying beer all over and probably not even playing half the time, just getting drunk and bathing in the beer. It was hard to NOT watch! The music was awesome and the bouncers. OMG the one was badass! He jumped into the mosh pit to calm the stupid ones down and stepped on my one calf. OUCHIE! When he came out (backing up and jerking as he went) I saw that he had a guy by the back of his shirt and around the neck. WITH ONE HAND. The other arm was pinning another guy's head against his chest making the guy look like a bug on his back, spazing before dying. I totally forgave him for hurting me by just watching him pull these guys along like they were rag dolls! The concert ended on a really good note and they promised to come back real soon (I really hope so) and then left. Adam and I were talking about it the whole way home. If you have the chance to go see Saliva and like their genre of music, I highly recommend you go. It was so much fun.

I'm so tired anymore

Of people telling me I'm a rude person or I'm bitter. I just want to scream back "And have you dealt with what I have in the past month and a half? No, so STFU." I was in such a good mood too. Between people being rude/stupid today and having to work stupid hours because of whiny little brats at work, I'm about ready to just walk off the job and break the computer. I have been feeling like everyone's punching bag. There are people at work that ask me for this or that and don't even really listen. I had to tell someone 10 times that the number she needed was 4889. Seriously now, if you shut your fucking hole and listened, I wouldn't have to keep saying it. They give us books with codes in them for a reason. And don't be asking me 500 times why something isn't working right. I'm not in front of your computer. I have no idea. How about you call the God damned manager? Why do customers also feel its necessary to be extremely rude to the person behind the Service Counter? Its not our fault that you picked up the wrong can of fruit and wanted the other one that was on sale. And if you don't give the cashier the coupons, don't come up and yell at me about how "stupid and lazy" she is. You are the one who was dumb enough to hold on to the coupons and not hand them over before swiping your card. Some people have no idea who they are supposed to be upset with.
Adam and I have been having fun lately and trying to just live life and not really think about babies. Not that it works, but we try. I cried last night listening to various songs on my projectplaylist. My Name just about killed me. I keep thinking about how far along I would be and what I would be feeling and how big the baby would be. 10 weeks and 4 days. 6 weeks ago I lost my baby. How time flies. Seems like so long ago and yet, it feels like it was yesterday. Can't dwell in the past though, right? Thank God I have such a great support system. The people who are really there for me are awesome.
I suppose I better head off to bed now. I have to train another girl tomorrow (SNORE) and that means its gonna be a long friggin 5 hours. Especially if she's a quick learner. Maybe I'll luck out and people will let me bag their groceries! Night ladies. Sleep well and blog more tomorrow.

Here I stand...on the verge again

I hate 2ww. I'm back here again because I finally ovulated, and now I have to wait until my period shows. Hopefully, everything will go in a different direction. I want this cycle over with. I would actually welcome my period too. One of the few times I actually feel that I can accept her coming and not lose my mind. There is a part of me that really wants her to be late and I can find out I'm pregnant again, but there are so many things that I worry about now. We were denied the state insurance we needed to help us cover the hospital bill. I'm hoping to be able to plead to the case worker's sensitive side and understand what is going on. We don't make that much. Its basically just helping us keep ahead of Adam's student loans. I've had to go on forebarence on one of mine. Its time to pay off that schooling that I *had to have*. What a waste of $18 grand.
If we find out we are pregnant again (which I doubt because of bad timing) then we will re-apply for insurance. I'm not really sure what result I would want. Do I want to be pregnant again? Do I want to go through that roller coaster again? Would I be unable to be happy? Would I worry right through the good times? If we do get pregnant again this cycle, we would be due around Valentines day. That would be awesome but I'm questioning if I'm really ready to try again. I feel like there is so much working against us. I know I can depend on Adam to help me through the hard times, but I can't help but think, "What if...? What if it happens again? What if we never get to be parents? What if I get farther along and we lose it? What if...?" I'm so scared. I feel that I would be a good mom, but I can't help but be scared out of my wits. I know I want to try again, but I'm not sure when. This sounds like I'm not ready at all, but I am. I'm just really worried about what *could* happen. It doesn't help when there are certain people who are always talking about how they are pregnant and this is going on and this and this and this. Then they whine about all those little things that come with being pregnant. Hello, I would still trade places with you. I would rather be throwing up my inner everythings rather than sitting in front of the computer on the verge of tears thinking about what I would KILL to have and what I have lost.
My mom is always asking me how I am *really* doing when we talk on the phone. I'm fine mom, really. Yes, I'm still taking the prenatals. No, its not a bad thing that I'm taking them before I am pregnant. Yes, we are leaning on each other for support. No, we aren't pregnant again. Yes, I would love to be pregnant again. No, we don't know when it will happen again. She means well enough, its just a lot to have to answer over and over. I love her to death and how she's been there for me and listens if I need it. I only wish I could send her a copy of TCOYF and be able to really talk about all this fertility crap with her. We are talking about a woman that was raped and gave birth to my older brother, then got married and tried for over a year to get pregnant and was about to give up when she got pregnant with me. Then about 15 years later, got pregnant again pretty much on accident. That is how I have the siblings I have. She knows how painful it is to try and not get the results you want but she's never been through this. Its apples vs. oranges. My dad is totally clueless and keeps telling me that I'm still very young and if we "just relax" it will happen. Sorry, but I'm not going to stop monitoring what's going on with my body. He's like a walking billboard of bad things to say to a woman who miscarries. "Its just your body stopping something bad from happening" "At least it happened early rather than later on" "Something must have gone wrong in how it was developing, Give thanks that it happened because children with disabilities are a handful" Thanks Daddy. Not helpful. Every once in a while, I'm able to talk to Adam's mom about it. For the most part, she just listens and gives me a hug and encouragement (Megan, it WILL happen again, when its time.) when I feel like falling apart.
I haven't really cried in a while but today was a really hard day. I had people bitching at me like everything ringing up wrong was all my fault and that I was a total idiot who didn't know how to do their job. One of them was VERY pregnant. she literally snapped at me and told me that *I* buried her coupons with her groceries...before I even started on her order. The belt wasn't moving when she loaded it, so I don't know what the hell she was trying to pull, but I let it slide because she's pregnant. You only get so many free passes though. I know it can be really hard being knocked up and that its not all puppies, rainbows, and butterflies. But for Christ's sake, smile! You are glowing! You might not feel like anything special, but look at the miracle you are helping to create! Don't walk around like someone pissed in your Cheerios. Don't bitch to me about how its so hard and I should be *sooo* happy I'm not in their shoes. Umm, thanks. I was once. I actually had a hard time *NOT* smiling. I had Adam kissing my belly (showing love to baby) and telling me that there was *something* different about me. I loved it! Cramps and all. Don't tell me to be happy I'm not in your shoes. I would trade just about anything to have that back again.

Its gonna be another one of those days

I can't believe that I'm so weepy right now but I can't help but be pissed off. I'm so happy for 2 of the girls but one of the others, I just can't be nice at all. I really hate how people can be so stupid. Then I see nolan on 1st tri bitching about "not feeling pregnant anymore" and thinking after 9 weeks, there is no chance for a miscarriage. I felt pregnant all 3 days that I knew I was. Stupid freak of nature is probably faking. If not, I'm trying to hold back a certain thought that I told myself I would never wish on anyone. I just can't feel very happy today. Its days like this that I miss being pregnant. I cry at the drop of a hat when someone says something mean to me. And of course, I have to work at the service counter and deal with all the stupid city people who come up and invade our quiet town. I really wish I could take the day off and go with Adam to his parents and join in the fun down there but I have to work. Its one of those shifts you can't call in and say "I can't make it". Let the tears flow for now. I hope the stupid people move along and stop rubbing salt in my wounds. I can only imagine how many other people feel the same way and just feel they can't or just won't say it. I really wish they would because then more stupid people would find somewhere else to piss people off. I'm off to my day...hope for the best.

Just another day in paradise

Finally, the company has left. Actually, he left when I was getting ready for work. I love the guy to death, but he over stayed his welcome. Thanks hunny, for letting him stay again, despite knowing that him sleeping in the living room totally screwed up my routine. Its really hard to walk around half naked when there is a guy sleeping in your living room. I normally get up, grab my pjs, wander out to the computer and turn it on. While I'm finding food, I'll get dressed into my pjs and then sit down for a little "me" time. Its hard to do that with someone sleeping on your living room floor right up against where the chair sits, let alone be able to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom to get clothes! Oh well, thank God he's out of here for a little while. Maybe next time Adam will actually clean out his room and we can put guests in there!
My temp actually didn't crash. I gotta say, I was shocked. Excited too because this means I still have a small chance. I'm not putting much merit into it though. I never really thought I would be facing 5 cycles of trying and adding a miscarriage into the mix. I think I've said that before but its that hard to wrap my mind around. I'm really hopeful for more of the others on GP to get their BFP. I like stalking their charts and watching them hopefully get that positive test.
Once again, my job has been frustrating me. My boss is wanting me to watch my hours and make sure I don't go over again while there are 2 co-irkers that are literally trying to get fired on purpose in order to collect unemployment and be lazy. They do anything and everything they can to piss everyone else off and just don't give a damn. Today, it took one of them (not even kidding, I wish I were making this up) TEN minutes to come down the stairs and get up to the service counter to relieve me. Its literally a process that takes about 1-2 minutes. It took her 10. She knows that she's the reason most people are over on their hours but really doesn't care. The other girl was told to go on break because she was holding up the whole process and we had 3 girls who needed to go as soon as she got back (only one cashier can go on break at a time so that we are never shorthanded, also we can't go on break after half past the hour because it leaves us short). When she was told she needed to go so that the rest of us could go she said "tough shit. Sounds like your problem. not mine. I could really give a shit if you get to go on break or not." I really wish slapping her was legal. We are talking about a 17 y/o and a 24y/o. Real mature ladies! I can't wait until they do get canned in such a way that they don't get unemployment. Its a lot more work to get the paperwork going in the union, but its totally worth it in the end. I really wish I could find a friggin massage job that was full time, year round. Then I could leave the store and work on my own schedule with no worries about stupid co-irkers! Either that or I need to get pregnant and work from home. Barefoot and pregnant. Sadly enough, that would be a dream job right now. Maybe someday. Hopefully someday soon. Que the music. Its just another day in my paradise.

With the amount of crap in my life

You would think I live in a sewer with the amount of shit I put up with. Today, Adam managed to piss me off, invite our company to stay another night (without asking me first) and boot me off my computer and take away the tv. It hasn't been the best day. Couple that with the crap at work and my body/temps, I'm about ready to jump off the Golden Gate. My temps and CM are making me think I'm gearing up to O (again). I find it harder and harder to get excited about it or even make the effort to get Adam in the mood. Why bother? I got myself to the point where I was ok with the idea of this cycle being annovulatory. So why bust this out on me? I've been stressing a lot lately which isn't helping anything too! I guess its on to cycle 5 as soon as AF gets off her lazy ass and just shows up.
Today, H's cousin Cole was arrested for having 3 pounds (yes P-O-U-N-D-S) of pot on him along with $3000 cash. Let's just say, I wasn't all too shocked when I was told about this. He wasn't an angel growing up so this is not surprising. On top of that, his other cousin, Chas, was hit by a car at some point and has pretty severe internal bleeding. My MIL has no clue where he is (as in, what hospital) and how he's doing. One last thing, Adam's uncle (who is maybe 12-18 months older than Adam) has split from his wife *again* and swears he's not going back *again*. He just came out with this news on Saturday. Its been an eventful week already! Cross your fingers for our family right now. We could use all the prayers we can get.
I don't know what else to say, everything is a total mess right now and I'm not sure what to think about anything. Pray for O or AF real soon. I'm about sick of this cycle. I know I'm being a total AW right now, but I think I should have the right to. If anyone has an issue with it, at least its not me having the issue, therefore I can sleep just fine at night.
More tomorrow night when I'm not so gloom-and-doom.

So you had a bad day...

I keep thinking of that song in my head today. I had a million different things I had to do today and very little time to do any of it. I did do all that was on my list thankfully, but I also had been up since 6 am because of my stupid temps. My temp shot up a little more yesterday only to come crashing down on me today. I wanted to cry and throw a fit and just freak out on BOTH (yes both) thermometers. Neither one was telling me what I wanted to hear. Adam came in to say good night to me and when I told him about me not ovulating this cycle, he just looked at me and said "Baby, I'm sorry. I wish I could make it all better." I can't believe I am probably not going to ovulate this cycle. Adam keeps asking if I'm sure and if we should keep trying "just in case". Poor guy wants a baby just as badly, if not more than me. Just thinking of it makes me cry. I so just wish I could give him what he's been wishing for and waiting for since we got married. He had to go back into work later on after he came home because the power went out and no one could fix this or that in the store to keep things running. I decided to help by bringing in carts. While doing this, one of his employees came and told me "I've been meaning to talk to you about what happened. First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. There are never words that can really make you feel better, I know. Don and I were pregnant 8 times and only have 3 kids. 2 sets of twins we lost and our latest loss was at 17 weeks. I know its so painful and there is always going to be that hole in your heart. I know you have a great support system online, from what Adam tells me. That's all fine and dandy, but if you need someone to cry to in real life, give me a call." I started to well up because of the stresses of the day and told her "All I want in the whole world is my baby. I feel like such a failure because of what happened. I know it wasn't anything I really did, but I still feel at fault." I had to fight off the tears because I really don't want to br crying in front of his employees. I hate the sympathy looks. There was so much that I felt today that I can't really put down on a computer or on paper.
The other excitement today was when I came home from all my little "to-do's", there were 3, count em, THREE police vehicles. Two were sheriff's dept and one was "Lake Shore Police". The Lake Shore officer was leaving when I pulled in and I almost ran into him while rubbernecking the other 2. I was shocked! We live out in the middle of no where. The most excitement we see is when people park on the side of the road to go fishing where the creek meets the lake. I hear its a good fishing spot. Anyway, I took a photo on my phone and sent it to Adam as a "look at what's going on here!" and went inside. I didn't really lock the door (like I said, its a pretty remote place, I think) and started up the computer. I wasn't even 3 bites into my burger when there was a knock on our door. I open it to find myself face to face with a sheriff's dept officer. I looked at him totally dumbfounded and said "Hi, is there anything I can help you with?" He tries to look behind me and asks, "Have you seen anyone suspisious around or heard anything odd going on around here today?" "No, I've been gone since about 9:30 and just got back about 10 mins ago" "I ask because there was a break in a little while ago and one of the guys who lives there came home to the guy breaking in and was shot at." Imagine me standing there at the door, burger in one hand and my jaw falling to the floor with a hard THUD. O.M.G. A BREAK IN? WTF? I had to ask "is everything ok?" "From what we can tell everything is ok, the guy took off on foot into the woods over in that direction. We don't know if he took off on foot or got into a vehicle after that. Was your door locked today?" "Yea, we lock the door knob. We only lock the dead bolt if we go out of town over night." "well when I leave, you make sure to lock all your doors and windows. We doubt he will come back but there is no need to risk it. If you can think of anything wierd, please let us know." and with that, he said good bye and walked across the hall. I stood there for what seemed like 30 mins, shocked. I kind of listened to what the guy across the hall heard and then ran inside and locked (both locks) the door and ran to the porch door. UNLOCKED. Both the screen door and the glass door were NOT locked. I about shit myself. We live on the second floor but it still scared me. I ran out, grabbed my poor dying plant and saw the lady that lives downstairs outside too. I decided to ask her what happened and she told me "I was in the shower and our porch door was wide OPEN. When I heard the shot, I didn't think that is what it was until the police came to my door. I had them search my whole house, especially my son's room. My boyfriend is always yelling at me for leaving windows and this door unlocked. I learned my lesson!" We chatted for a little while after that and watched the officer walk into the woods where I assume the guy ran off. The people down stairs use their porch door as their way in. The main door that opens to all the apts is always locked. It locks automatically behind you. I started thinking about when Adam and I decided to move into this complex. We almost took the other apartment in the other building (where the break in was) and that apt was on the ground floor. I had to sit down and just absorb what happened. My phone rang, Adam was on auto panic when he got the message and not knowing what happened. I told him the whole goings on and he told me "Lock all the doors and windows until I get home. From now on, we lock both locks and that porch door is always locked. We need a Jimmy bar for that thing." After we hung up, I decided to go lay down. Too much stress for one day. Adam called back about 30 mins after his first call and told me "I told my mom. She told me to tell you to not open the door again until you know who is on the other side. I'm on my way home now. I just thought I would tell you now so that you didn't freak out when someone came in." He told me later on that he came home because he was concerned about me. He wanted to be there "just in case" something happened. We are going down to his parents tomorrow to pick up some important documents and his shot gun. I guess I get to learn how to shoot tomorrow. First time ever. Quite frankly, I would have expected this in our old apartment, but not here! This is a community full of old people/retired/rich people. I suppose that makes it an easy target but you don't imagine that to happen so close to you! We don't go outside alone now and we aren't taking walks down to the dam any more. I want to know that this guy was caught before I go out on my own. I'll be lucky if I don't have a panic attack while trying to get in at least once this week! Strange thing is, I've been having wierd feelings when I come home. I felt like I was being watched and that put me in panic mode and I would FLING the door open, RUN inside, and SLAM it shut again. I tried to tell myself that it was just my over active imagination. Adam is gonna have to walk me into the house for a good long while now. Even now, I still get the chills and get afraid of the little sounds I hear. There are only 8 apts in this complex. Those are good chances for something bad.
I told you it has been an eventful day. From the smallest of things that have effected me directly, to the bigger things that have shaken all of us that live here to the core. It will be a good long while before we all get comfortable with the security here. I suppose I should *try* and get some sleep since I have to be up super early again. Good night!

Its the littlest things

That annoy me. It annoys me that my MIL takes no time to tell people that Adam and I are pregnant, but doesn't take the time to tell people that we lost it so that it doesn't come up. Last night H sprung it on me that we should stay over night at their house and go to the bars to see who is there. Well, we did and we ran into his uncle (who is about a year older than H, has 3 kids, all the kids were accidents, and his baby momma is a little whore) and he told us "Congrats again man! Way to go!" Can you imagine how much it hurt to have to tell him that it didn't work out almost a month ago? It hurt. It was so hard to say it and see his face just fall. He left to go talk to a friend quick and said he would be back. When he left, I felt the tears coming and I asked Adam "Ok, your mom takes no time in telling the whole family about the BFP but doesn't tell anyone about the loss? WTF is her deal? Does she think I LIKE telling people my baby is dead?" Adam looked at me and said "I'm sorry, Honey. I know its still kind of a sensitive spot for you. I was hoping it wouldn't come up tonight." I had to pull it together to deal with his uncle coming back to tell us about his night and how he had passed out in the park while taking a walk and trying to clear his head. Also had a few ladies come up and I got to talk to one of them in greater detail about what happened in those 24 hours before I was told my baby was gone for good. It was comforting to know that at least I was in a good place and my husband was there for me when I needed someone the most. She had no one, her baby's father was put in jail that night and had to stay there for a few days. I can't imagine and it made me a little more...thankful. That seems like such a bitch thing to say but I honestly feel like she is better off having lost the baby being in that kind of situation. I still felt kind of bad for myself for thinking "I'm married, have a steady job, decided to drink less, don't smoke or do drugs, I know my body, I take vitamins, I eat pretty healthy, so why did I lose my baby?" That is one question I can't answer for the life of me.
The garage sales were a lot of fun but there was one that had a lot of really cute maternity stuff and the baby stuff was adorable. The lady asked me if I was expecting and I told her "Nope, still trying." but I felt like saying "Not anymore, we are back in the saddle again though." I did buy a lot of baby stuff, toys, books, clothes, and a few maternity things, but opted to leave them at the IL's house so that I don't have to look at them all the time.
It may sound really bad, but I do really hope we are pregnant again already. Some may say its too soon but I feel like I am supposed to do this. Its what my angel would want. I can't imagine having to wait, let alone choosing to wait. I'm thinking that would be torture.
I'm starting to truely understand how some people work. There are people who will hear about someone miscarrying and will be there and be super supportive. These people will call you and listen to you vent and will cry with you. These are the people that help you heal. Then there are people who hear about it, and feel distance is best and they tend to run away. They don't call unless there is something they want sympathy for or to vent about something or someone. I really feel like Adam's cousin has been trying to avoid talking to me or hanging out with me. she used to call or text for the smallest reasons and would stay on the phone with me for a long time just to talk. When I told her about the miscarriage, she actually got me to thinking about his POV and how he must be feeling so sad and so upset because he had no physical connection like I did. And how he was being strong for me. Now she backs out of plans, forgets to lend things to me after I ask many times, doesn't call me back, gets pissy with me, and a few other things. I can't believe she had the balls to be so mean on the phone on friday night. I am so happy she talked to my voicemail because I would have probably snapped at her, causing another family rift. I really believe that in a way she feels bad that she got pregnant on accident, drank her whole first month, broke up with her baby's father when he told her he wasn't sure he wanted to be a dad, and all the other things she did and here Adam and I are, trying so hard and taking every chance we can to up the odds as much as possible. I think she's making herself uncomfortable with me and what happened. Hello, its not like I rub it in her face that she's supposed to be so happy she was so lucky to have a baby. I try not to talk about it with people unless its brought up for the very reason that I don't want to make people think I'm looking for sympathy. I don't need that. I just need to have close friend I can turn to when things aren't going the best. Someone to cry to when my day isn't going the way I had hoped and I feel like having a pity party. Thank God I found some people who have been there for me and I feel like they really are helping me heal. I say thank you to those people. You know who you are and you know you can move mountains. Thanks ladies!

"My Name" George Canyon

I keep finding good songs to add. Here's one
"My Name" By George Canyon
It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name

I can't describe how I feel

Today is weird. I feel oddly calm and kind of happy today. I feel like I should be sad and upset and still shed more tears than I do but I feel really...happy. I see some women who are so upset and count the days and for one reason or another, I forget and don't really take the steps to find out how long its been. I also have come to resent other pregnant women less and less. I just pray that they are taking care of themselves and don't take what they have for granted.
The other day, I had a coworker ask me "So when do you find out what you are having" I looked at her shocked and said "OMG you don't know? I'm surprised no one said anything to you. Everyone else knows" She looked at me and said "Well, tell me now" "I lost the baby 3 weeks ago." I told her what had happened and how I was dealing. I felt a little weepy, but not enough to really cry.
Mother's Day I took a test and it came back BFN. No surprise really. I kind of expected it. I also tried to take it easy that day and LO and behold, I get fertile signs again. I knew I hadn't Ovulated! Thank GOD! Adam has been asking me a lot "So are you still fertile?" and tries to seduce. What a doofus. So much for waiting! I guess he's just as ready as I feel I am. Game on!
I really hope that getting pregnant again is easy and this time, I get to enjoy it and actually carry to term. I can't wait to have a happy, healthy baby in my arms. I know its what my baby would want Mommy and Daddy to have.

Mother's Day, What a bittersweet thing

I want so badly to celebrate my moms (biological and not) but I can't seem to get past the idea that I'm a mom too, my little one is in Heaven instead of being in my belly. The days are getting a little easier, but I always worry that tomorrow will be a total disaster and that I won't be able to stop crying. I see a pregnant woman and want to run up to her and tell her to treasure everyday that baby is in there and growing. Of course I don't, but it also hurts to see unhappy pregnant women and hear then complain. Hello! I'd give anything to have the morning sickness. I would gladly take on bed rest (and if you know me, you know I can't lay around all day, doing nothing) and going to the doctor every week. I know being pregnant is hard, but its no party to lose it either. I made the choice to have my heart walking outside my body for the rest of my life and instead, my heart just got torn out. I would have been 7w1d by now. SEVEN WEEKS! I learned about the little munchkin almost 3 weeks ago. And 3 days after learning we were expecting, I'm a ball of emotions, none of which I should be feeling. I should be happy. Rubbing my belly and talking to my baby. I used to make H kiss my belly like he was kissing the baby good night. Its an empty feeling to know there's nothing there now. We really want to try again soon, but Adam is so scared it will happen again. I can't help but think that in some screwed up way, I'm trying to replace what I lost. Not like you could ever really replace something like that. Depressing music and sad shows seem to rule my life.
I know I want to spend time with my in-laws, but I don't know if I can handle the pity looks. You know what I mean. Where people look at you and tell you they are sorry and treat you like you are made of tissue paper. I am not fragile. Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. Just support me if I need it, damn it! I'm not a hopeless case. I'm just hurting. They say that after a while it won't hurt as much. I'm finding this is true, but I don't think I've hit any real mile markers. I think I will have to wait a few MONTHS before I can talk about it almost any day of the week. Adam has been so amazing through all this. I swear he almost decked the nurses that kept hugging me and wouldn't let us just run out of the hospital as fast as possible that day. I know that he's hurting too and deals with it on his own, but I think I need to see him upset about it again. Once in a while he will cry and tell me he's not coping very well. Its those days that prove that he really is my soul mate and that we will get through this. It might be a while, but we will. Its no wonder we like the saying "Come What May". If you have ever seen the movie Moulin Rouge, you know what I mean. He's amazing.
I realize there are other women out there that are dealing with more recent losses and my heart goes out to them. Really it does. I can't imagine being back in that place again. It scares me that since this happened once, its more likely to happen again. I really hope that God doesn't do this to me again. I've already been angry with him once. I just don't see how its fair. We are married, responsible, financially stable, mentally ready, and have all the support we could handle, but I can't stay pregnant. Then, there are women who have sex once, do drugs, drink, smoke, sleep around, mooch off friends and family, aren't married or in a stable relationship, don't work, and want everyone to pity them. They are the ones that always seem to have NO issue getting pregnant. Why does it have to be an urban myth for anyone who really wants a baby and is in the right places?
Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there. No matter if you can hold your children now or if they are in Heaven getting their wings and halos. You are a mother. Enjoy your day.
Watermark \ Glory Baby
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies,
it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

"Glory Baby" Watermark

Watermark \ Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…