Now why did I do that to myself?

We often ask ourselves "Why did I do that? That wasn't smart!". Well, I'm having one of those moments.
Yesterday we had our 16 week appointment. All went well (as far as I know) and I think I'm finally gaining weight. Bound to happen when you are stuck in the house all day for days on end because its so cold and you don't have the car with the remote start and all. Stupid Minnesota cold snap. Anyway, dr had a little bit of an issue nailing down a heartbeat we could really stick to (baby was active!), but she did end up finding it for a while. I was kind of hoping she would still have issues so we would get an ultrasound (just to see baby, I'm still team green!) but to no avail. Oh well, that's ok. Then the dr asked if we had done the AFP test last time. Neither one of us could remember and she couldn't find it in the file. We decided what the hell, let's go ahead and get it done, we have the insurance!
BAD IDEA.
We went, had my blood drawn and went about the rest of our day. Nothing out of the norm happened the rest of the day. Wake up today and Anthony is being his super cute self in his crib (he was playing and jabbering to the one corner and then tried to lay down again before jumping up and seeing me, cue the big toothy grin). Went about the morning like normal. Then nap time came and I thought I should lay down for a bit too.
I got a call about noon-ish. Its our nurse calling to say the test came back negative and all is good. I was half out of it so I said "Awesome, thanks!" and went back to sleep. Then the phone rings again about 30 mins later and its the nurse again. "Megan, Dr Susan read the test results wrong. It came back positive. Barely, but still positive." I was able to pull my head out of my hind end enough to ask "Is there anything I should do? What are our next steps?" and I was told that the dr wasn't concerned yet, but if we wanted, we could make an appointment in St Cloud to get an ultrasound done and confirm or debunk the results of the test. I wasn't sure what else to say since I was still out of it, but I let it go at that and decided to call Adam and tell him what I had just been told. Adam was worked up right away. "Why do they even give you the results if its nothing to get worked up about? What now? We are making that other appointment to make sure" and I had to tell him that I always get a call back on all tests they do no matter if it comes back positive or negative. That calmed him a bit but it brought up questions in my mind. I called back the clinic and left a message for the nurse to call me back so I could ask my questions. About 90 long minutes later (and while I'm talking to my mom, trying not to freak out yet), I get a call back. Didn't hang up quick enough and just missed it. Come to find out, it was my dr. The friggin OBGYN was calling me back. URGH! I called back again and told them I was returning a call and got right through. The nurse told me that they sent the info to the clinic in St Cloud and I would be getting a call back to set up an appointment for about 4 weeks from now. The dr wasn't concerned because it was barely positive, but to be safe, she was ordering the next steps for us. Now we have a level 2 ultrasound (more details and high tech to spot any issues, gives PHENOM photos) and the option of genetic testing. Our dr said she would like the ultrasound, but the genetic testing is purely up to us. Feeling a little better and hearing a more exact number of chance (1 in 271 women test positive) made me feel a little better and I now knew what it was testing for and could do my own research so we were more prepared.
Now, I'm sure anyone who hasn't had this test done or has never heard of it is thinking "WTF is an AFP test and why is she freaking out so bad?!?" Well, I'm going to try to break it down as much as I can and as much as I understand in the terms that I understand (pretty bare bones and human english talk), AFP (alphfetoprotein) is like a genetic test. It tests for a few different things and I have a website that explains more if anyone else wants to look it up for themselves. The site is http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/afp/a/afptesting.htm. So, basically it tests for neural tube defects, spina bifida, Downs Syndrome, and a few other serious developmental issues. Pretty much, when the baby has an issue with something (example, Down's has to do with the fetus and yolk sac (the baby's food supply until the placenta is fully functional) being smaller than normal and so the level of the AFP marker is lower in the mother's blood) the AFP marker is secreted into the mother's blood and they have a certain range you have to fit into to be "negative" (which is good). But there are many things that can make a positive a false positive. Gestational age could be off, multiple babies, low birth weight, diabetes, maternal age and weight, and a few other small factors. As for false positives, that is all over the board. I've seen reports of it being 5-8% reporting false positives while others are saying 80+% false positives. Its just a screening after all. Check out the site and you'll see what I mean.
So what does this mean to us? Well, I don't know if our number is high or low (didn't know to ask until hours later), and we know that we are only having one baby, so it still could be something else that is "off". We are going to be making our appointment when the clinic calls us and praying that they find nothing wrong. With Anthony, we always measured 1-2 weeks ahead because his head was big and all. I'm hoping that this is what happened and that all is well. We have decided we won't do any genetic testing and I refuse to do the amnio (ANY risk of losing the baby is too much, in my book. No matter HOW small) and have mutually decided what we will do either way.
God has blessed us with this little soul. I've been blessed to carry it and care for it in its developing stage. If there ends up being something "wrong", we are going to accept it and deal with whatever situation we are dealt. God doesn't make mistakes and He never gives us more than we can handle. We will not abort (no matter what) and will not abandon this child. God meant us to have this child, we'll gladly take it and raise it in the most loving home we can.
Now, don't take that as I'm totally fearless because I'm scared. I'm REALLY scared. Obviously all ANY parent wants is a healthy and happy child. I'm no different. I'm scared of the unknown that lies ahead. I can't talk about it on the phone at all because I break down and can barely control my voice. Even just thinking of it makes me tear up. Why? I fear that I caused it. I didn't drink enough milk, water, and oj. I didn't eat enough when I should have. I drank too much soda, I ate too much food that was less than healthy, the whole nine. I know, every parent blames themselves when it comes to their child, but you have to understand. With Anthony, I ate SUPER healthy almost the whole time, cut soda WAY down, almost no junk food, and took better care of myself. This time around, I have Anthony to worry about so I forget to eat, I do what I can to get through the day, I'm inside all the time because its too cold to go out and there really isn't anywhere we can go and stretch our muscles. I've gained weight a little sooner than last time, but I'll accept that. I'll do anything I can for this blessing. Just understand if I freak out in the next month or so, I'm kinda dealing with a lot and its hard to just swallow it and "let go and let God". I'm a little too much of a control freak for that, but I'm trying. Just pray for us and a false positive.
God, I know that you have already decided everything with this child and our lives, and I am trying to accept that. I just pray that this baby be as healthy as possible and everything go ok. I can't help but pray for a false positive, but will accept whatever outcome you have chosen. Please lead me to a place where I can accept this and hand over control to you. Thank you for the blessing of our children and our family.
In your name, Amen.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

So, Its been a while

WOW. I can't believe that last time around, I was on here every week at least. Going over the details and everything. And this time around, I just can't seem to get the time and energy. That little turkey of mine has me running in so many directions all day and the night times I try to unwind but often end up playing mindless games so that I don't have to think anymore.
Well, as most know, we are expecting a new little bundle. We found out we were pregnant again the wednesday before Anthony's first birthday. We were waiting for my period to show up so that we could start trying again. Well, evidently God decided that that plan wasn't quite how it should be. But, its not that much earlier, so we are still really excited. I'm about 15 1/2 weeks, feeling so much better compared to how I was feeling (morning sickness ALL day and night), but the body aches seem to be worse. My back has been extra tight lately. I'm sure this cold I'm fighting is helping with that. I actually dread sneezing and coughing since they are just so painful! But, I have a bump forming. I'm still in that stage where people must be thinking to themselves "She's got a bump. I wonder if she's pg again or if its just left over from the first baby. Could she really just be getting fat?" Well, I'm not getting fat, its a baby growing. I can't believe that the baby is about 1/4 the length that Anthony was born at. That blows me away. We thought when we found out that we were about 6 weeks since I couldn't remember a period to save my life (they hadn't even regulated yet!) but when we went to the dr thinking by that time we were about 8 or 9 weeks, we found out we were almost 7. We had literally found out yet again right around 4 weeks. Insane. I ended up telling my mom that day. I told her I was starting to feel kind of ill and she asked "another cold?" and I had to laugh and tell her no...not quite. Well, she obviously guessed right away and was like "Really? Already? Congrats! Were you even trying yet?" Yea, my mom and I talk about having sex now. NOT what I ever imagined I would be talking to my mom about. If you knew her, you would know why. She's SUPER conservative and reserved. Not so much since I got pg the first time. She's super excited and can't wait until she hears details every time we come back from the dr (DAMN! I forgot again to make that appt!) and can't wait until she gets to meet this little one.
Well, the dr was surprised to see us again and Anthony charmed her like I knew he would. Little lady's man. He's gotta break at least one heart every where we go with those HUGE baby blues! We also told the dr that I didn't want to know what we were having. I want that ultimate surprise. Plus, with everything we have, does it really matter if we have a girl or boy? I have some girl, TONS of boy, and lots of either way stuff. Plus, girls wear blue! MIL is NOT as thrilled about this. Adam wants to know, but he's come around to being at peace with not finding out. Because if he finds out, he'll tell his mom who will tell someone and I'll end up hearing it from someone. Then its a ruined surprise. Like finding out your christmas present in July. Not cool. Oh well, its not their pregnancy. But you can tell a lot of the family is hoping for a little girl. We even got a small outfit for a little girl for christmas. If we end up with a house full of boys (I have boy vibes), then I'll just have to pass all the girl stuff on to someone else or keep it until my kids start their families. Adam seems to think that as long as we have one of each, we are stopping at 3. I'm going to push for #4 when the time comes. I've always had a thing about even numbers.
I haven't really gained any weight (I think I'm down about 5 lbs actually) and was able to nurse Anthony to 13 1/2 months. Quite a feat if you ask me.
Toward the end it was just a little here and there, but I ended up having to quit to make sure there is enough nutrition for the baby and Anthony hasn't been gaining weight like we all would like to see. He's slowly falling off the scale. Don't get me wrong, I like that my child isn't heavy or chunky, but he's THIN. No butt, so his clothes fall off of him. His height has tapered off a bit, but he's still growing. Not much chance to get too tall with both of us being shorter. His head is finally back ON the scale (he was in the 100th% for a while with a HUGE 19 inch melon since 6 mos). But its all brains, I swear. He learns things so quickly! Like he's learned what to do to open the pop up top on the wipes, opening flip top tubes, pushing buttons, moving things so he can get where he wants, putting the top back on his sippy (and he is GOOD at this, he gets it to stay even!). He's such an amazing character. It seems like his personality grows faster than he does! He'll jabber anyone's ear off if given the time, has dialed people on my phone (he called poison control today without me knowing!), knows to slide it open so he can push buttons, and knows what buttons to push to hang up and all. He's just so amazing. I can't get over all the stuff he knows how to do!
Family life (outside the 3.5 of us) has been interesting. The ILs have been getting a little too clingy, so we have been cutting back how often we see them from every weekend to every other which is helping with all the drama. Don't get me wrong, the drama is still there, but there's less. My mom is doing well and still loving her life down there, even though times are tough and all. They are moving soon so pray that they find a nice house in their budget that fits their needs. The place they are in now is a nice place, but its just not working out anymore. As for my dad, HOLY SHMOLY, how much time do we have? So, he phased out the psycho Mary. Thank God since she decided to start a bunch of crap that didn't need to be started (my dad's side doesn't need help with finding stuff to bicker about!) and I've since stopped talking to her. Wouldn't be too bad but he did it the way he always does (he hates being single so the time he's dating each lady tends to over lap a bit) and ended up reconnecting with someone from 25+ years ago. I met her for about an hour or so around Christmas. She seems pretty normal. Well, my dad has spent EVERY holiday since at her house in Kansas City, MO. Then, about a week ago, he decided he was going to tell me what was going on with him since he was being so private. Well, He's decided that he's moving to her neck of the woods since neither one of them can find work. Ok, I can understand that. Don't really like it, but I'll accept it since it is his life and all. That wasn't the only bomb that he laid on me though. He had to add that now this lady was my newest step mom. AND they got married on Jan 15th. Mind you, he told me around the 25th. Doesn't work really well to spring this kind of thing on your daughter. I know there was nothing I could do to change his mind and he's more than welcome to find his happiness in his own way. But telling me that he's moving in 3 weeks and that he got married almost 2 weeks earlier (they had decided to get married around New Year's) was a lot to take, especially since I didn't get a heads up. At least when my mom made life changing plans, she told me BEFORE so I had time to accept it and come to terms. Not feel like an after thought. Well, he didn't like me telling him that I was hurt and made it all into being all my fault that his life is so messed up and all this other drama llama bs. Well, I ended up telling Grandma (his mom) because I knew he would wait a while and she needed to know. I didn't think she was going to tell everyone! Well, we all talked it out and I think that for the most part people have calmed down but there are still hurt feelings. Who knows. I'm just trying to get over all of this happening so quickly.
Ok, enough of that depressing crap. Congrats to you if you actually read that verbal vomit right there. Just a little blog therapy!
Other than all that, life has been going pretty ok. Ready for warmer weather since Anthony and I are starting to get bad cabin fever and need to get out into a nice big area where he can run and play without having to worry about anything else. We don't really have any places where you can take your kids to just let them burn off their energy, so they end up climbing the walls and all until the snow melts. I can't wait to take him to the park and let him RUN! Maybe then he'll get a little more calm during the day!
But that was just a quick update. Hoping to get more on the ball and actually put some posts up about how the pregnancy and Anthony are progressing. Praying for all the best for everyone!
Oh yea, and if you are a praying person, please pray for a VERY close friend of mine. She found out she was pregnant the day before her birthday and ended up suffering a traumatic miscarriage. Pray for healing for her and her fiance. Love you, girl! Chin up and keep on truckin like you always do!!!