So this is life...

Life. Odd as it is, we live it to its fullest no matter what it throws at us. Heartache or the purest of joys. Total happiness or utter devistation. We all seem to want to make life be EVERYTHING we aimed for, get mad and upset when it doesn't turn out like we hoped, and praise the Gods above that things are totally going our way. Life is difficult no matter which end you are on. You always know that when your luck is up, someone else is wondering "Why me?".
I have a lot to be thankful for. I've been blessed with the best husband I could have asked for. He is far from perfect and makes me want to pull my hair out on a regular basis, but I love a good challenge. This one is turning out nicely, if I do say so myself.
I have a beautiful son. He's the light of my life. I can't imagine how my life would have ever been full without him. His smile fills my world with the purest of light and his sorrows (while they are VERY few luckily) make me wish I could take away any and all pains he could ever feel (shots and all!). He's amazing beyond belief and he's such the perfect mixture of hubby and me.
I was blessed for 3 whole days with an angel baby that I will get to hold when I get where I'm going after this journey. I think about that little one often and wonder what my life would have been like. Would he be like Anthony? Would I have Anthony had the first pregnancy worked out? What would that other baby be like? Would I appreciate that gift as much as I do with this one? I don't know, but I know that this little angel I was blessed with for such a brief span on time still looks down on me and prays that I keep myself and my family on the right track.
I've got some of the best family there is. We are the picture of dysfunctional. My brother can't seem to keep his rear out of trouble, my sister is the eternal optimist and LOVES the spanish language like I used to. She's beyond over the moon waiting for her spanish conversation hearts I picked up at the after V-day sales! My little brother is a piece of work. He reminds me that patience is a TOTAL virtue I need to work on and that with that patience grows a BEAUTIFUL gift. My dad is there for me. I might have to listen to the typical father rantings, but he means well and seeing him hold Anthony makes everything right in my world for a little while. Its awesome. My grandparents are so great in how they try so hard to keep me going where I should be and they try to lead by example. Then there is Mom. Mom is the best friend a woman and new mom could pray for a lifetime for and never really know just the precious gift they have. She's been so supportive to the ends of the Earth. She was one of the few who told me I could TOTALLY deliver without meds. Thanks to her, I'm going to do it next time come Hell or high water. She came up just before Anthony was born and did all she could think of to make my life easier while she was here. I had to beg her to let me pay for a dinner or two and to cook for her. Still can't believe that she threatened to spank me if I didn't hand over the bill for lunch one of the times we ate, but she's mom. And you don't mess with mom. I can't believe I have such an amazing role model for Anthony.
There is Adam's side of the family who really tries to help out. The effort I could appreciate more and I try to let go of the ever controlling reins when I can. Its a hard thing for me. Its TOTALLY the German side of me! They also have been there when no one else was.
I've been blessed to be able to stay home and raise my son. We are coming out ahead and I couldn't be happier. Well, I could, but its not in the cards just yet, so I really can't complain until the option is there and its not used to its fullest potential.
My life is so amazing. I know I'm FAR from perfect (Anthony has rolled off the couch while I was in the bathroom...fluke accident not to be repeated and he's not exclusively breastfed since he was just about 5 weeks old), but Damn if I'm not trying. I know that the house could be cleaner, I could TOTALLY cook dinner more, and I could quit the formula and stick it out with the fenugreek to help my supply, but I like letting Adam feed Anthony a bottle or two so that I can't step out and enjoy my youth too. Plus, family LOVES this chance.
Anthony is blessed with a huge family who loves him. He's brought together generations of family who were fighting and not talking anymore. He's patched some REALLY rough spots with his beautiful face and killer smile. He even did it today with Adam's grandma he really doesn't get along with the best. The two talked much like nothing had ever happened. Granted this took cleared hearts and open minds, but I'll give lil man this victory. Anthony even has a FANTASTIC set of Godparents. These people we have known for Y.E.A.R.S. and trust them with so much. They simply ADORE my baby boy, which couldn't make me any happier. They actually kind of fought over holding him!
Life has thrown me more than just my fair share of crap. I don't want to get into details because this isn't about pity. This is all about being amazed with all that happens. I've somehow found a way through the darkest of times I could EVER think of to keep a relationship alive and thriving. I still haven't done the forgiveness side, but I think I've got time on that one before I need to get to that bridge.
I think that life is amazing. its so perfectly imperfect all the time. I can't believe that this is my life. Its like my best dreams and worst nightmares crammed into one. The best part is, I can't wake up just as its getting really good. I stay awake during the worst also, but that's what you need to appreciate just what you have when the good times are a-plenty.
Comments? Questions? Thoughts? Concerns? can I get a "Hell yea?" How about some comments from the non-exhistant?

Going private!

Its amazing how people change...
Times they are a-changin! I've become a stay at home mom who thinks about doing various things outside the house for a paycheck (bringing the little man with of course!). My mom has become even more so my rock for being able to keep my sanity when I just wanna kill someone. My dad has done a TOTAL 180 and often wants to see his grandson. When he's holding Anthony, my heart melts and its like all those years of wanting to be as far away from each other as possible never happened. He coos and talks to Anthony with nothing but love! Its amazing! My Grandma hasn't changed too much I guess. She's excited about having her first real, full blooded Great Grandson (and grandchild for that matter). She came down and didn't lecture me MUCH. I was told that I needed to do certain things differently and needed to stop doing this and start that. Thanks, but no thanks. The kid is doing just fine the way we are raising him. My Grammy and Poppy (my mom's parents) are changing big time. Grammy has a pretty severe medical issue that makes it pretty much impossible to be the Grammy I knew and loved when I was growing up. She depends a LOT on Poppy and Poppy just isn't having it. He doesn't do anything logical anymore. He ended up needing some emergency surgery a month or so before I had Anthony and has totally ignored Drs orders. Lovely I know. Well, I guess its like a whole different person who resents everything that is on his plate now. Lovely. Should be the best years of their lives and they are seemingly at war.
Then there are other people. A year ago I left a chat board filled with some really great women. I left for reasons I really am not going to go into, but lets just say I must have stomped on a few toes on the way out. There are many ladies from that particular board who said they would continue to talk to me even though I wasn't on the board anymore. In truth, all but maybe 4 totally stopped talking to me. It wasn't until after I was about 4-6 months pregnant when I was suddenly ok to talk to. I've still blog stalked as many of them as possible since I do care about them. For the most part, most all of the ladies who said they would keep in contact have. But now, those numbers are starting to fall also. I've done all I'm going to do to reach out to these ladies, and pray that this doesn't mean that all is now lost on that friendship, but if it is, I can honestly say I tried and I did care and make it known that I care. I've since been blocked from most of the blogs even though I asked for invites. LOVELY. Maybe I should go private too. Not like anyone seems to take the time to read about whats going on with me...
I never really did like being friends with the girls. Always thought they were too catty and back stabbed a lot. This was something I had to learn, not something I assumed. I always liked playing with the guys during recess, hanging out with the guys after school, and even became so much "one of the guys" that any guy I asked on a date or showed interest in didn't notice. I was often asked to investigate if someone was single or not, if they liked someone, the whole nine. I've tried my hardest to change my ways and become more friendly with other women since I'm in a situation that men really don't get all too much. I started this in High school and tried to keep it going into college (all 9 months! LOL) and into the rest of my life. I've been totally betrayed by more than a few girls since I started this whole idea. I've also rekindled a few REALLY GENUINE friendships (one that surprised the hell out of me!) and have walked away from the total disasters.
What's my point? I'm tired of putting my heart out there, caring about someone, and coming back around to find that the person I gave my trust and love into and prayed long and hard for has stomped on everything I put out there for them. I'm tired of being told that "I'll keep in touch, I promise, nothing will come between our friendship" and then come to find out that they delete any messages from me, ignore or block me, and basically make it seem like they have never even met me. One good example? I recently sent out some packages to some people. I put things in there that I felt they would like and would use. I've sent them texts asking if the package had gotten to them, and have gotten NO RESPONSE. Now, if someone sent ME a package, I try to let that person know ASAP that I got it so they don't think its still out there floating in space. I also like to send a photo (by phone if possible) of the contents being used or that I got it and its still in one piece. I only wish for the same courtesy, but I also know that not everyone is like me in that sense.
I know people change. I accept that. I just wish that people would keep their word and keep the lines of communication open. If you don't like me, TELL ME. If you want me to leave you alone, TELL ME. If I've offended you, TELL ME. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, that's fine, just TELL ME and I will respect your wishes. Kinda hard to respect someone's wishes when they clam up. Its just so amazing how people beg and plead for this and that and once they get it, they really don't show much appreciation for the support they got and the prayers that were said.
Maybe I need to go private to see if anyone even reads this or even cares. I'm already gonna make Anthony's blog private. You want an invite, you know how to get a hold of me. I'm done reaching out.