I'll admit it, I've got the green eyed monster...

There, I said it. I'm jealous. I see people with their babies and I lose a small grip on reality. I start thinking about Bailey and how I had wished the pregnancy to hurry along. How I had lived the ultimate in parental nightmares after birth. I see kids about her age, with her hair color, with her feisty disposition, wearing that signature pink, you name it. My mind starts to wander and I can only think about her for a while. Its been getting worse though, I'll admit. I'm hoping putting it out there that it helps. I'm jealous of many. I see all the people in our ACD parents group getting pregnant again and I can't help but think "We should either be pregnant or have a beautiful lil lady that is 8 months old and starting to cause even more chaos than we could imagine, and we could be thinking about trying again to make her a big sister" But that's not our reality. Yet, anyway. I can't help the desire to keep trying for more children. We want to have our childbearing days done as close to 30 as possible. I want to have a little one to keep me up at night, watching the wonder as a baby grows and learns all the little things. But, things aren't working out that way at all. My body is protesting right now and proving that it doesn't think that the time is right. Really wish mind and body would come together more, but hopefully soon.
So there it is. One of my biggest weaknesses right now. I want more children, NOW.
And before anyone thinks its smart to start pressing me about "Are you sure? You can't replace Bailey. Are you going to be able to handle another baby? Are you sure about being ready?", yes, I feel I am ready. I know that I lost Bailey. She'll never be replaced or replaceable. She's a huge hole in my heart that will never heal. I know that it isn't going to be easy, but I can't keep playing it "safe" and never move on. I believe that I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I trust God doesn't give more than we can handle and that He shows us what we are able to deal with. I know He won't put too much on my plate. I just have to wait until He gives me the blessing I ask for.
Yea, we have a lot going on now with trying to buy a house and all, but even if I get pregnant this cycle, the baby wouldn't be due until November/December. Plenty of time to make everything ready for a new baby. I also see the look on Anthony's face. He knows that he has a sibling who is now watching over him and visits. He even pokes my belly like he did when I was pregnant (although its finally shrinking and getting much smaller since we started working out in January...down 15 lbs!!) and I swear today it seems like he wanted to kiss my belly to kiss the baby. The baby he knew was coming, but never came home. He's no idiot. He's a very smart little boy who knows that something is up. I was an only child much my life because my brother never lived with us for more than a few months every summer and my younger siblings are much younger than me. Adam is an only child. Neither one of us want Anthony to be an only child. Period. He wants siblings. He loves to help in every way possible and he is actually very good with younger kids. He's also learning so much more in his weekly classes that will help him to understand being a sibling even more.
So there it is. A reason for my attitude. A reason for my frustrations. A reason I've been holding people close, shoving others away, and being neurotic about things. I'm wanting to give all this love and attention intended for my daughter, but don't have a direction for it.
So, I'm sorry for being an extra big bitch. Maybe now people will start cutting me some slack.
But probably not.
And I'm not holding my breath.