Mother's Day, What a bittersweet thing

I want so badly to celebrate my moms (biological and not) but I can't seem to get past the idea that I'm a mom too, my little one is in Heaven instead of being in my belly. The days are getting a little easier, but I always worry that tomorrow will be a total disaster and that I won't be able to stop crying. I see a pregnant woman and want to run up to her and tell her to treasure everyday that baby is in there and growing. Of course I don't, but it also hurts to see unhappy pregnant women and hear then complain. Hello! I'd give anything to have the morning sickness. I would gladly take on bed rest (and if you know me, you know I can't lay around all day, doing nothing) and going to the doctor every week. I know being pregnant is hard, but its no party to lose it either. I made the choice to have my heart walking outside my body for the rest of my life and instead, my heart just got torn out. I would have been 7w1d by now. SEVEN WEEKS! I learned about the little munchkin almost 3 weeks ago. And 3 days after learning we were expecting, I'm a ball of emotions, none of which I should be feeling. I should be happy. Rubbing my belly and talking to my baby. I used to make H kiss my belly like he was kissing the baby good night. Its an empty feeling to know there's nothing there now. We really want to try again soon, but Adam is so scared it will happen again. I can't help but think that in some screwed up way, I'm trying to replace what I lost. Not like you could ever really replace something like that. Depressing music and sad shows seem to rule my life.
I know I want to spend time with my in-laws, but I don't know if I can handle the pity looks. You know what I mean. Where people look at you and tell you they are sorry and treat you like you are made of tissue paper. I am not fragile. Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. Just support me if I need it, damn it! I'm not a hopeless case. I'm just hurting. They say that after a while it won't hurt as much. I'm finding this is true, but I don't think I've hit any real mile markers. I think I will have to wait a few MONTHS before I can talk about it almost any day of the week. Adam has been so amazing through all this. I swear he almost decked the nurses that kept hugging me and wouldn't let us just run out of the hospital as fast as possible that day. I know that he's hurting too and deals with it on his own, but I think I need to see him upset about it again. Once in a while he will cry and tell me he's not coping very well. Its those days that prove that he really is my soul mate and that we will get through this. It might be a while, but we will. Its no wonder we like the saying "Come What May". If you have ever seen the movie Moulin Rouge, you know what I mean. He's amazing.
I realize there are other women out there that are dealing with more recent losses and my heart goes out to them. Really it does. I can't imagine being back in that place again. It scares me that since this happened once, its more likely to happen again. I really hope that God doesn't do this to me again. I've already been angry with him once. I just don't see how its fair. We are married, responsible, financially stable, mentally ready, and have all the support we could handle, but I can't stay pregnant. Then, there are women who have sex once, do drugs, drink, smoke, sleep around, mooch off friends and family, aren't married or in a stable relationship, don't work, and want everyone to pity them. They are the ones that always seem to have NO issue getting pregnant. Why does it have to be an urban myth for anyone who really wants a baby and is in the right places?
Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there. No matter if you can hold your children now or if they are in Heaven getting their wings and halos. You are a mother. Enjoy your day.
Watermark \ Glory Baby
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies,
it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…