I've got to clear some things up...

Stupid people suck. They literally burn my ass in such a way that I can't get over it. I get so annoyed with the stupid things that some people do that I can't help but tear into them and make them feel like shit because of what I say. I'm really not mean by nature, but its just what happens when stupid people get to me. Case in point, there is a guy at work. He's 19, no ambition, no care as to how things will effect others. He just doesn't care. It took him 3 weeks to fully realize that his closing responsibilities aren't shared with the other person. He has to do them AND keep up with his cashier stuff. I told him on his first night (or two?), but he seemed to be too pre-occupied with telling me his whole dramatic background and why he got fired/quit his last job, why he took this job, why he likes this or that, what he knows, what he doesn't know, everything. I left after that first night knowing WAY too much. Well, then he calls in sick. During Homecoming. He said he was dealing with coughing fits and didn't feel good. And he was actually thinking that he was going to get sympathy. Mind you, he called in the DAY BEFORE his shift to let us know he wouldn't be coming in. You think you are going to get off the hook, not piss people off, and get sympathy? Child please. I worked while pregnant, almost passed out DAILY, dealt with false labor, getting kicked, being insulted constantly, being poked, prodded, touched, and coughed/sneezed on. I dealt with having to work on a candy display ON THE FLOOR at 8 months pregnant. I know what its like to work when you don't feel good. I've also worked on a hang over and when I felt like I was on the verge of death. And it wasn't a wimpy 4 hour shift either. The next day I work with him, I tried to make a joke about how he had parked (in the dead center of 2 parking spots) and he looked at me like I had just insulted his mother. Everyone around him laughed, but he just glared at me. Then, before he left, he wanted ME to take care of putting away the stuff he had that customers changed their mind on. I'm not your damn maid. You are the one who is leaving, you can walk your happy little ass around and put away the stuff. It was only like 3 things and they weren't even far away things! Then Adam tries to get him to take one of my shifts because I feel like a semi came around and ran me flat. he said no, he wasn't feeling 100% yet. I was just starting to come down with whatever he was getting over. I had no voice, chills, coughing, sneezing, stuffed up head, couldn't even put in my contacts, and he wouldn't even try to cover some of my shift. Thanks dude. Don't count on me covering your shifts EVER.
Then there are people like politicians on tv. Its the Mid election stuff going on and yea, I pay attention to the ads. I have favorites because I agree strongly with this or that issue that they feel passionate about. It really pisses me off when they run negative ads and don't even bother making sure the facts they present are true! Like one that is running now, one lady is saying nasty things about another, and if you read the source they site, you would see that the misconstrued EVERYTHING and totally chopped the words and rearranged them to have them work to their advantage. She gets called out on it by the local news station, but she doesn't pull it or correct it. Seriously, whore, get it right or back the fuck off.
Family. UGH. I could go on forever, but there is just one person I'd like to talk to with the open palm of my hand. She basically told me that EVERYTHING I was doing was going to screw Anthony up for the rest of his life and he's going to be a wuss because he wants to spend most of his time with his Momma. Well, when he's around 40 strangers all trying to get their hands on him and calling his name and all that, he's going to cling to the people he knows and trusts the most. He clings to me because I'm the comforter and I have the ability to nurse him to sleep (or into a calmer state of mind). I'm not messing him up because my instincts are telling me I'm doing what I feel is best. I might change things next time around, but you know what? That's MY choice. What makes this better is that I had never met this woman before in my life. She also stomped on Adam's toes and my Great Aunt Mary. Seriously, applehead, Back off. Just because you are an apple head who LOVES anything that Steve Jobs ends up demonstrating, no matter the cost or how stupid it is. Strangely, my dad didn't start any drama that weekend. I could see him doing it just to make me look like the loose cannon. Didn't have to worry about it!
BUT! Then there are times when someone comes through and says or does something for me that makes my jaw drop and I about crap myself because its so unexpected and awesome. Doesn't even have to be something big, just something that I didn't have to bitch and moan for. There is Adam starting the laundry (I never know where all his socks and underwear end up), Anthony giving me a great big kiss (or seriously long string of kisses), an unexpected call or text saying "I'm thinking about you!". Makes putting up with all the stupid stuff worth while. I love it! I also like to try and be that person that surprises someone out of the blue. I like to call someone or send a text just to let them know that I'm thinking about them and they are special to me. Pay it forward, right?
That being said, I can't wait to move the hell out of this apartment and into a house all our own. The stomping around upstairs is so loud it wakes Anthony all the time. Poor kid gets like 30-45 mins before they start stomping again. What children we have in this place. Yea, I sank to their level and dug out a long stick that I can jab into the ceiling when they get too loud. I only do it after 10 which is quiet time. I try not to bitch and whine about noise during the day unless its so loud I can't function...
OH! I never said anything on here, but the ILs are looking at buying a house from a good family friend. He was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and he wants to sell his house. The ILs want to buy that house (or help us cosign for it) and make it our house. I really like how they want to do it too. The house is listed at 200k, but they want to offer about 125-150k, but offer the guy life estate. Basically, we would set aside a nice lot (an acre or two) for him to put a residence on and let him live the rest of his days there, not worry about paying rent in an apartment, only need to pay for his utilities, etc. This guy is SUPER nice, so I have no issue at all with it. Its actually much the same deal they offered FIL's dad. I really hope we hear something decently soon about it all. Otherwise we need to start thinking about how to save our money and build our own. We'll hopefully see soon.
One last little tidbit, Adam and I are thinking about starting trying ttc again. We want to start trying after Anthony's first bday, so we'll see how it goes this time around. At least I have some ideas of things to try, should we end up taking longer than we think we should have to...Wish us luck!!
Oh, wait. That's right. No one reads this but me. Oh well I guess. This is Blog Therapy.

Colorado!

So, we'll be heading out on Friday and plan on being back on Father's Day. I'm so excited. Mom has been waiting so long to see Anthony and I know she's just going to be over the moon and tickled pink. She does have other grand kids, but their moms (yes, moms. 2 kids, 2 different moms) don't really come around and don't really like my mom, so she never sees them anymore. This time, Mom is going to be SUPER involved in Anthony's life if I have anything to say about it. I'm so excited but kinda worried. 14 hours in the car with my MIL on the way there and back. Praying for strength. All else fails, I'll sleep like Anthony the whole time. I'm not really any good at driving in strange areas, so I doubt they will put me behind the wheel. Pray that all goes well with this trip. Its Little Man's first road trip and its going into the mountains. Nuks, don't fail me!
I also got my rings back this past Saturday. I had to send them in to get inspected and resized. My knuckle joints are bigger since being pregnant so I had to have it made bigger, but at least now I can wear it again and its not choking my finger also. Adam can't stop staring at it, he's so happy I have it back too.
Nothing else really going on except we are dealing with a lot of bullshit here at the apartment. On Friday, we had the people upstairs partying it up hard core. You should have heard how loud they were walking. It sounded like a wrestling match. I had stuff in the cupboards and the vent hood above the stove RATTLING, they were being so loud. They then took it out on the balcony. All fine and dandy until Adam and I hear someone grunting and it sounded like someone climbing on something wooden (hands against wood made a weird hollow sound). Adam gets up and walks to the sliding glass door only to be met by someone CLIMBING OUR BALCONY! DUDE! Adam freaked out on him and asked him WTF he was doing. I freaked out, asked him wtf he was thinking, called him a nice string of names and told him that if he woke the baby, I would unleash the wrath of God on him and he would pay for it like he's never paid for anything in his life. The guy said "Sorry, I'm gone" and jumped down. We now have that door shut, locked, and jimmy bar in place. There is NO WAY in hell that will EVER happen again if I have anything to say about it. But that sucks because now we have to keep that door shut always. And the hotter months are coming. And our AC is laughable. We are talking about getting a second jimmy bar, only shorter) so we can have the door open and not worry about how someone would get in. Yea this guy might have only been trying to get to the third floor balcony (remember, we are on the second floor, but the first is half under ground), but I have no way of knowing that he wouldn't come in and do something in our home. I did report it to the management office but the lady told me that I should have called the cops and she can't really do anything without a report. She also called the girl upstairs, but she wasn't answering her phone so I doubt anything will happen from it. The building keepers told us to call no matter what hour and said they were fine with us calling the cops before them if we saw fit. Why didn't we call the cops? I was beyond FURIOUS and about to go upstairs and beat the hell out of everyone up there to begin with. The management lady also asked why we didn't go upstairs and confront the partyers. Umm, SERIOUSLY? I'm going to walk my happy lil unprotected ass upstairs and possibly putting myself in harms way to confront people who could have weapons or Lord above knows what. I think not. I'm not a tard. I know I need to be safe and confronting people at 3 am is NOT safe. Management won't even listen to the building managers who ask for the very basic in repairs and materials to keep the building looking somewhat decent. Basically, now we are going to call the cops for every thing that happens around here until management realizes that they can't make everyone have to fend for themselves all the time. Adam has looked into buying a pistol for us to have here for protection. As much as I hate guns, don't want to shoot them, and don't like them in the same house as my child, I'm starting to think this is the ONLY way to protect my family. As I see it, that guy climbing our balcony is lucky Adam only had his boxers on and didn't go out there and kick his ass off the balcony and into the parking lot. Supposedly this chick is moving out at the end of the month. We'll see if she keeps herself on the straight and narrow until then. I miss Vicke, but at the same time, Vicke lied to us and told us it was a little old lady with a cane above us. NOT. It was 3 college girls. Lovely. But at least Vicke laid down the law and didn't let people party and pull off disrespectful stunts like this new Dawn chick does.
ANYWHO...
nothing else going on and I really should get going so that I can get SOME sleep and be rested up for work tomorrow and also for packing/cleaning house. Got to make sure the house is spotless just in case of emergencies or heaven forbid, someone to break in. We shall see.

Un-private?

So, I've made a choice to make Anthony's blog public again. I took down his photos so I feel safer about that. I've also decided that I will try to do a weekly post as a letter to this little miracle in my life. I'll be telling him the things that he has learned to do that absolutely amaze me and little milestones he reaches. I really hope that I can keep up with this, since I know it will be a huge present to Anthony when he's older. Good luck in your reading (if anyone even reads this...)

Well, Life, you've thrown another curve ball...

wow. The things that I've been dealing with since last time. Amazing some days that I still wake up and think, "So, what new things will happen today?". I've gone back to work (in a matter of speaking) and only work about 3 hours a day 2-3 days a week with an occasional Sunday (5 hours), but its ok, lil man and his papa get to hang out during those times and when I come home, I'm greeted by a slightly exhausted hubby and a lil man who is grinning ear to ear and leaning toward me to hold him. It makes me want to break down and cry (yes! even right now just thinking about it!) the happy tears. Anthony notices that his momma is gone for a little while and wants to snuggle for a little bit before dinner and bed time! I've got to admit, that's something amazing that only a working mom (or a mom who is out of the house for a few hours a day, a few times a week) gets to understand. I really recommend it to every mom though. It makes you feel AMAZING. Plus the time out of the house and away from baby helps clear your head, which is ALWAYS a good thing.
On top of going back to work, my mom finally got in contact with my brother. Our fears were true, he was in jail. This time, he was 1000% innocent and the chick who put him there has pretty much put a target on her back for any future guy who would want to be around her. Serves her right for having lied just because she wanted to see what would happen when someone says something like she did about a convicted felon. Bitch. But he's out now and I've gone back to evaluating my relationship with him. Technically I can't have my lil man around him for another 7 months (so a visit is out, along with photos), but there is still an option that I go and see him. I've been debating this because I'm not sure. After all the things he's told everyone else about how he's jealous of me and the fact that mom raised me and he didn't get that same opportunity, I'm not sure how I feel about rebuilding a relationship with him. He only wants to call me when he's drunk or looking for mom. Not quite the kind of thing that works for me. I know that I'm supposed to be a good Christian and forgive and forget, but there's only so many times I can before I just want to throw in the towel and cut my losses.
On a brighter note, I've been going through Anthony's clothes and putting away the 0-3 stuff that doesn't fit and trying to get another wearing out of some of the stuff that barely fits. This means he's in a new outfit after every diaper change. You can imagine that a baby who loves being naked feels about that! He's been turning into such a great sleeper too. He goes down without a fight between 9:30 and 10:30 (depending on if its bath night) after his dinner of a healthy 2.5 oz of whatever the food of the week is mixed with about 1-1.5 oz of rice cereal and water to make it a little thinner than yogurt, but with substance. He eats all of it (usually with out a fight) and then does his clean up/bath and off to bed with a little nursing until his eyelids are too heavy to fight. Then he will usually stay down for 4-5 hours before he wakes up and needs a little more breast milk to get him through the rest of the night. Sometimes he'll wake up another time or two, but lately he's been awesome about sleeping with few wake ups. We have also taken the swaddle away and I'm FIRMLY believing this is the biggest reason as to why he sleeps so well. The night before we took it away, he slept ok, woke up every 2 hours or so. That first night without, he slept 4 hours without waking up. Sometimes he'll wake up, fuss a little bit, and get himself back to sleep with out me doing anything. He's growing so fast. We still have him in the bassinet part of the pack n play (even though he's technically too heavy for it, that's ok) and he's still in our bedroom, at least until after we get back from Colorado. I'd hate to get him used to the crib and then put him back in the PNP for 10 days. So far so good, knock on wood!
Finally, there are a few other smaller things that have been nipping at my mood lately, but nothing really worth bringing up. I'm sure it will leave me alone sooner or later.
Little man has his 6 month check up coming up next week and he's going to be 6 months old in a matter of a few short days. I can't believe that 6 months ago, technically I was logging contractions and wondering if I would be going to the hospital soon. It was super early labor, but still. And in a few days, it will be 6 months since I brought the most perfect little boy into my life and changed it forever. I'm SO lucky to have him. I can't imagine life without him AT ALL.

Holy Hell, I have a reader!

I want to acknowledge this reader! Thank you. I was starting to feel like I had multiple personalities and they were all talking to me, myself and I.
I'm going to be pouring more of the darker stuff on my blog now. Warning to anyone who doesn't want to read that. Lets just say that the past few months haven't been Heaven on Earth the whole time.
My mom hasn't heard from my brother again. Not good. His phone is off again and he hasn't kept any contact up with anyone at all. His buddy from prison who is helping him get on the right track hasn't talked to him in many months and my mom can't remember if my brother even called for her birthday. Now, something about my brother is he ALWAYS calls mom on her birthday and mother's day. Most of the time he's called her before I do, so its strange that he hasn't called her for either one. Mom and I are fearing the worst yet again. When his life is going well, he'll keep up contact with everyone. When his life is in the shitter or he has a new girlfriend, he'll start ignoring anyone trying to contact anyone and he won't reach out. Last time I talked to my brother, he was freaking out on me for not having called after Anthony was born. I had promised I would call, but didn't. HELLO, I was kinda busy trying to pull my head out of the fog I was in and the time before when he had called me, he was less than civil, so why even put myself through that when going through the newborn stage? I had other things to focus on. He's the kind of person who needs to call someone when he's drunk. And his favorite drunk dial? Yup, that's me. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, he'll call me and expect me to be on the line and help him with whatever sticky mess he's put himself in this time or I'm trying to convince him that partying and promising to come up here and get myself and my husband trashed and high as hell is NOT good for probation. He's even gone so far as to blame Mom for every problem he's had since he was a baby. He thinks that Mom gave him to his father willingly, not that it was mandated by the courts (why? Not a clue in the world, but it wasn't that Mom didn't want him!) He likes to tell people that I got everything handed to me and he got the raw end of the deal. He also likes to tell Mom that I've been spoiled and that I've never had a hardship in my life. EVER. Oh he knows about half the crap I've dealt with, he just seems to think that it doesn't compare to his life. Well, lets put it this way, I've never been in cuffs, never been behind bars, been in the police station twice (once to report something stolen, the other time for something I don't remember when I was young), and I've been in the back of a police car twice, both times were because my car left me on the side of the road. I don't do drugs, I don't drive drunk, I don't speed excessively (10 over is my max...his is whatever the car tops out at). But that doesn't mean I've had life handed to me and that I've had it easy. I've just avoided putting myself in the situations where I would make the choices he made. He had a chance to turn it around. Not my fault he didn't do it. Lemme put it out there in black and white. If he's in jail, I'm done with him. I'm not going to let my son be around a dead beat uncle who can't do SHIT for his own kids, let alone anyone else in the family.
Ok that was therapeutic. Between that and the other crap I've been dealing with for almost 18 mos, I've reached my limit. I'm going to start cleaning out the garbage and if there are a few people in there, I'm ok with it. I doubt most of them would even notice what I've done. Hey, I tried, I'm not going to leave that door open forever.
On the brighter side of the rainbow, life has been pretty good around all the crap above. Anthony is growing like a lil weed, he rolled from back to belly today (he's been rolling belly to back for almost 2 mos now, this was MAJOR for him today) and when I tried to show Adam how he did it, I put Ant on his tummy on the floor and hand my palm on his belly with my arm between his legs, the lil man started trying to crawl! Lil bugger was movin his legs like he was going somewhere fast! I can't believe that he could be crawling soon. Time to really clean house and get all the safety stuff up. We've been talking about where to put the safety gate (need at least one more) and how we would handle having a cat and litter box with a crawler. Lil man also really likes his entertainer (exersaucer for some brands) and I've since moved it up another notch so that he's not looking like he's going to flip out the top. He's at the top notch and is still able to touch his foot fairly flat on the bottom. My lil boy is getting so big! He's still a lil bean pole, long and skinny, but that's ok. We think we know why he's so skinny. He's gaining weight like he should, but he has a leg and an arm that just DO.NOT.STOP.MOVING. E.V.E.R. Its funny when he's playing or something like that, but its making diaper changes and swaddling a nightmare. He's still needing swaddling at night. I tried one time without and was back in there calming him down and swaddling him up. I'm running out of fabric to put him in though, as he's 26 inches long. He's longer than some of the swaddles I was once able to use. Even that miracle blanket I had to have for the lil magician. Oh well, he'll have to deal with it once we have no more options left!
The family has been much better. I still have times where I wish I was in a different clan, but that's to be expected for anyone, right? No one likes their family 100% of the time. But I've noticed my relationship with my mom is SUPER tight. I feel I can talk to her about almost anything (sex is still weird, but we're getting there) and know that she has advice and most of the time I can use it and it will work. I can't wait until she meets lil man and gets to see what I've been bragging about. She was so happy to get her Mother's day present (a bunch of 4x6 photos with an 8x10 collage of Anthony) but she made sure to point out that she can't wait until she gets to see him face to face. I really hope that with the next kid, she's able to come up sooner and maybe see that baby right after being born, rather than 6 months later. She's excited that she's going to be so involved with his life, rather than the ghost of a relationship she has with her other grand kids (LONG story there). I just can't wait until she sees all he can do and watch her get excited and laugh with him.
I also can't wait to see friends I haven't seen for over 10 years. That's too long, and considering some of these people I would say I'm closer with than some real relatives, that's just wrong. I can't wait, especially since two of my best friends who dated in high school and broke up are now married with a baby (coming up on a year old too!). I won't get to see the whole clan, but I'll get to see the key players in helping form who I am today and I can credit for saving my life (literally) many times. Shall be interesting to see how much everyone has changed this way and that.
I'm thinking I'm going to end there. Its getting late, lil man is sleeping like hell, its storming outside, and I have a few other things I want to do before bed. I hope I gave my reader something to read that isn't too boring. I know I tend to be more negative, but really, I'm not like that 100% of the time. I just have a hard time putting out the positive just as much when it comes to the computer.

Crazy life

There are some things really weighing on my mind lately. I've been too damn nice to too many people. I've bent over backwards for some for no reason, I've gone out of my way to make someone else's day and got nothing in return. I think its about time I put a stop to that (well, I'll apply this to people who take advantage of me) and I'm not going to go back on this. Putting it out there on blast, I sent a package to someone and got nothing back. No message saying they did or didn't get the package. No "Thank you" or anything along those lines. This person has actually taken steps to push me out of their life even more. But I'm willing to bet that they will come running back the instant they want more of what I sent the first time. Tough shit, girlfriend.
I've also been going crazy with so many other things in life. Having had the 2 year anniversary of losing our little angel fall on National Infertility Week, little man is driving me nuts with how he eats (messier than messy!) and all the other things going on, its been kind of crazy.
I've been thinking a lot about that little angel we lost. Who would that baby have looked like? What would that little angel be doing? Would they be running and playing all the time? Would they help out with Anthony? But now I also wonder if they are watching out for Anthony. I know there are some times when lil man really should get hurt more than he does or he manages to avoid by the skin of his gums, but I wonder if there is a little angel on his shoulder helping him navigate this life. I know he sees something from time to time and sometimes its a good experience, but not always. I also think there are other angels who watch over us. I just pray they keep all the bad vibes away and we get to have nothing but happy times.
They hubby and I have been hitting another rough patch lately. Not really sure how we get to these points and why we stick in this funk for so long, but we do. Lately, it all has to do with parenting and spending time together without having family over or spending time with them all the time and not having time to be just a family of 3. I've noticed that our weekends with just the 3 of us are pretty laid back and we get to really focus on being us, a loving family raising one hell of an adorable little boy. I really hope that this whole summer doesn't become one big ball of messed up-ness like the past month or so has. I would like to stay home once in a while (there are VERY deep reasons for these feelings) and not feel so much pressure from other people (**COUGHCOUGH**INLAWS**COUGHCOUGH**) to come down EVERY weekend and give up ALL our time with lil man so that they can say they get to see him once a week and get to hold him all the time (even though there are some who get to see him 2-3 times a week and STILL say they NEVER get to see him EVER and NEVER get to hold him even though they hold him the WHOLE TIME we are there...no matter how often we are around other people in the room). Just because I spend all day taking care of Anthony all the time doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with him when we are other places with other people. I DO like to hold and play with my own child more than once in a great while. And when I'm nursing, BACK THE FUCK OFF. You distract my kid while he's nursing and then when you see he's not latched on and he's focused on you, that does NOT mean he's done eating and you get to rip him out of my hands. (Yes this has happened, more than once). If you don't/didn't like it when your relatives and in laws did it to you, DO NOT do it to another parent. Seriously. It drives me up a fuckin wall. I'm also supposed to want to pawn my lil man off on other people so they can watch him all the time. I'm not supposed to want to go shopping, garage sale shopping, go out to eat, etc with him. I'm supposed to give him over to someone else who doesn't know him as well just because they feel entitled to it. Guess what? I'm going to bring my son with where I go because I like to show him off and because I don't want to be away from him for very long at all. Illogical? Maybe, but guess what? Its how I feel. Get over it. I carried him in my ute for 39 weeks, I labored for HOW LONG and PUSHED HIM OUT. I get to make choices like that. Please put your suggestions in that little box located next to the shredding machine.
We are going out of state in June and I can NOT wait! My mom and her whole side of the family will finally get to meet lil man and I get to see some people I haven't seen in up to 10 years. I have friends I haven't seen in that long and family I haven't seen since I got married. Some I haven't seen in even longer! Not sure how the 15 hour car ride will be with lil man, but I'll be in the back seat (no one else will be back there with me either) to take care of him. Fight me on it and you will lose. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I'll fake sleeping if I have to just so I get to stay back there. But this trip is going to be awesome. I just have to figure out the whole situation with my brother.
Ok, so my brother is going to be 27 this year. 27 going on 3. He's been so irresponsible with his whole life. He dropped out of school, met the wrong women, got 2 women pregnant within 3 years of each other, got in a TON of trouble, went to prison, got out, violated parole, went back to prison, got out, and has been floundering around here and there ever since. Lovely example for his kids right? Well, I'm not sure I want him around my son. I'll come to that bridge later. I just don't know what to do. Should I be the bitch little sister and say no, or should I let them meet and let brother know there is NO funny business around my son? Not sure yet.
So much running through my mind and I don't know where to put it all. I'm thinking I should go to bed and see if I can sort out more of my thoughts there. Or maybe I'll just spend the whole night keeping a certain lil man happy and cry free...who knows.
To whoever does read this, input is appreciated.

So this is life...

Life. Odd as it is, we live it to its fullest no matter what it throws at us. Heartache or the purest of joys. Total happiness or utter devistation. We all seem to want to make life be EVERYTHING we aimed for, get mad and upset when it doesn't turn out like we hoped, and praise the Gods above that things are totally going our way. Life is difficult no matter which end you are on. You always know that when your luck is up, someone else is wondering "Why me?".
I have a lot to be thankful for. I've been blessed with the best husband I could have asked for. He is far from perfect and makes me want to pull my hair out on a regular basis, but I love a good challenge. This one is turning out nicely, if I do say so myself.
I have a beautiful son. He's the light of my life. I can't imagine how my life would have ever been full without him. His smile fills my world with the purest of light and his sorrows (while they are VERY few luckily) make me wish I could take away any and all pains he could ever feel (shots and all!). He's amazing beyond belief and he's such the perfect mixture of hubby and me.
I was blessed for 3 whole days with an angel baby that I will get to hold when I get where I'm going after this journey. I think about that little one often and wonder what my life would have been like. Would he be like Anthony? Would I have Anthony had the first pregnancy worked out? What would that other baby be like? Would I appreciate that gift as much as I do with this one? I don't know, but I know that this little angel I was blessed with for such a brief span on time still looks down on me and prays that I keep myself and my family on the right track.
I've got some of the best family there is. We are the picture of dysfunctional. My brother can't seem to keep his rear out of trouble, my sister is the eternal optimist and LOVES the spanish language like I used to. She's beyond over the moon waiting for her spanish conversation hearts I picked up at the after V-day sales! My little brother is a piece of work. He reminds me that patience is a TOTAL virtue I need to work on and that with that patience grows a BEAUTIFUL gift. My dad is there for me. I might have to listen to the typical father rantings, but he means well and seeing him hold Anthony makes everything right in my world for a little while. Its awesome. My grandparents are so great in how they try so hard to keep me going where I should be and they try to lead by example. Then there is Mom. Mom is the best friend a woman and new mom could pray for a lifetime for and never really know just the precious gift they have. She's been so supportive to the ends of the Earth. She was one of the few who told me I could TOTALLY deliver without meds. Thanks to her, I'm going to do it next time come Hell or high water. She came up just before Anthony was born and did all she could think of to make my life easier while she was here. I had to beg her to let me pay for a dinner or two and to cook for her. Still can't believe that she threatened to spank me if I didn't hand over the bill for lunch one of the times we ate, but she's mom. And you don't mess with mom. I can't believe I have such an amazing role model for Anthony.
There is Adam's side of the family who really tries to help out. The effort I could appreciate more and I try to let go of the ever controlling reins when I can. Its a hard thing for me. Its TOTALLY the German side of me! They also have been there when no one else was.
I've been blessed to be able to stay home and raise my son. We are coming out ahead and I couldn't be happier. Well, I could, but its not in the cards just yet, so I really can't complain until the option is there and its not used to its fullest potential.
My life is so amazing. I know I'm FAR from perfect (Anthony has rolled off the couch while I was in the bathroom...fluke accident not to be repeated and he's not exclusively breastfed since he was just about 5 weeks old), but Damn if I'm not trying. I know that the house could be cleaner, I could TOTALLY cook dinner more, and I could quit the formula and stick it out with the fenugreek to help my supply, but I like letting Adam feed Anthony a bottle or two so that I can't step out and enjoy my youth too. Plus, family LOVES this chance.
Anthony is blessed with a huge family who loves him. He's brought together generations of family who were fighting and not talking anymore. He's patched some REALLY rough spots with his beautiful face and killer smile. He even did it today with Adam's grandma he really doesn't get along with the best. The two talked much like nothing had ever happened. Granted this took cleared hearts and open minds, but I'll give lil man this victory. Anthony even has a FANTASTIC set of Godparents. These people we have known for Y.E.A.R.S. and trust them with so much. They simply ADORE my baby boy, which couldn't make me any happier. They actually kind of fought over holding him!
Life has thrown me more than just my fair share of crap. I don't want to get into details because this isn't about pity. This is all about being amazed with all that happens. I've somehow found a way through the darkest of times I could EVER think of to keep a relationship alive and thriving. I still haven't done the forgiveness side, but I think I've got time on that one before I need to get to that bridge.
I think that life is amazing. its so perfectly imperfect all the time. I can't believe that this is my life. Its like my best dreams and worst nightmares crammed into one. The best part is, I can't wake up just as its getting really good. I stay awake during the worst also, but that's what you need to appreciate just what you have when the good times are a-plenty.
Comments? Questions? Thoughts? Concerns? can I get a "Hell yea?" How about some comments from the non-exhistant?

Going private!

Its amazing how people change...
Times they are a-changin! I've become a stay at home mom who thinks about doing various things outside the house for a paycheck (bringing the little man with of course!). My mom has become even more so my rock for being able to keep my sanity when I just wanna kill someone. My dad has done a TOTAL 180 and often wants to see his grandson. When he's holding Anthony, my heart melts and its like all those years of wanting to be as far away from each other as possible never happened. He coos and talks to Anthony with nothing but love! Its amazing! My Grandma hasn't changed too much I guess. She's excited about having her first real, full blooded Great Grandson (and grandchild for that matter). She came down and didn't lecture me MUCH. I was told that I needed to do certain things differently and needed to stop doing this and start that. Thanks, but no thanks. The kid is doing just fine the way we are raising him. My Grammy and Poppy (my mom's parents) are changing big time. Grammy has a pretty severe medical issue that makes it pretty much impossible to be the Grammy I knew and loved when I was growing up. She depends a LOT on Poppy and Poppy just isn't having it. He doesn't do anything logical anymore. He ended up needing some emergency surgery a month or so before I had Anthony and has totally ignored Drs orders. Lovely I know. Well, I guess its like a whole different person who resents everything that is on his plate now. Lovely. Should be the best years of their lives and they are seemingly at war.
Then there are other people. A year ago I left a chat board filled with some really great women. I left for reasons I really am not going to go into, but lets just say I must have stomped on a few toes on the way out. There are many ladies from that particular board who said they would continue to talk to me even though I wasn't on the board anymore. In truth, all but maybe 4 totally stopped talking to me. It wasn't until after I was about 4-6 months pregnant when I was suddenly ok to talk to. I've still blog stalked as many of them as possible since I do care about them. For the most part, most all of the ladies who said they would keep in contact have. But now, those numbers are starting to fall also. I've done all I'm going to do to reach out to these ladies, and pray that this doesn't mean that all is now lost on that friendship, but if it is, I can honestly say I tried and I did care and make it known that I care. I've since been blocked from most of the blogs even though I asked for invites. LOVELY. Maybe I should go private too. Not like anyone seems to take the time to read about whats going on with me...
I never really did like being friends with the girls. Always thought they were too catty and back stabbed a lot. This was something I had to learn, not something I assumed. I always liked playing with the guys during recess, hanging out with the guys after school, and even became so much "one of the guys" that any guy I asked on a date or showed interest in didn't notice. I was often asked to investigate if someone was single or not, if they liked someone, the whole nine. I've tried my hardest to change my ways and become more friendly with other women since I'm in a situation that men really don't get all too much. I started this in High school and tried to keep it going into college (all 9 months! LOL) and into the rest of my life. I've been totally betrayed by more than a few girls since I started this whole idea. I've also rekindled a few REALLY GENUINE friendships (one that surprised the hell out of me!) and have walked away from the total disasters.
What's my point? I'm tired of putting my heart out there, caring about someone, and coming back around to find that the person I gave my trust and love into and prayed long and hard for has stomped on everything I put out there for them. I'm tired of being told that "I'll keep in touch, I promise, nothing will come between our friendship" and then come to find out that they delete any messages from me, ignore or block me, and basically make it seem like they have never even met me. One good example? I recently sent out some packages to some people. I put things in there that I felt they would like and would use. I've sent them texts asking if the package had gotten to them, and have gotten NO RESPONSE. Now, if someone sent ME a package, I try to let that person know ASAP that I got it so they don't think its still out there floating in space. I also like to send a photo (by phone if possible) of the contents being used or that I got it and its still in one piece. I only wish for the same courtesy, but I also know that not everyone is like me in that sense.
I know people change. I accept that. I just wish that people would keep their word and keep the lines of communication open. If you don't like me, TELL ME. If you want me to leave you alone, TELL ME. If I've offended you, TELL ME. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, that's fine, just TELL ME and I will respect your wishes. Kinda hard to respect someone's wishes when they clam up. Its just so amazing how people beg and plead for this and that and once they get it, they really don't show much appreciation for the support they got and the prayers that were said.
Maybe I need to go private to see if anyone even reads this or even cares. I'm already gonna make Anthony's blog private. You want an invite, you know how to get a hold of me. I'm done reaching out.