Its the littlest things

That annoy me. It annoys me that my MIL takes no time to tell people that Adam and I are pregnant, but doesn't take the time to tell people that we lost it so that it doesn't come up. Last night H sprung it on me that we should stay over night at their house and go to the bars to see who is there. Well, we did and we ran into his uncle (who is about a year older than H, has 3 kids, all the kids were accidents, and his baby momma is a little whore) and he told us "Congrats again man! Way to go!" Can you imagine how much it hurt to have to tell him that it didn't work out almost a month ago? It hurt. It was so hard to say it and see his face just fall. He left to go talk to a friend quick and said he would be back. When he left, I felt the tears coming and I asked Adam "Ok, your mom takes no time in telling the whole family about the BFP but doesn't tell anyone about the loss? WTF is her deal? Does she think I LIKE telling people my baby is dead?" Adam looked at me and said "I'm sorry, Honey. I know its still kind of a sensitive spot for you. I was hoping it wouldn't come up tonight." I had to pull it together to deal with his uncle coming back to tell us about his night and how he had passed out in the park while taking a walk and trying to clear his head. Also had a few ladies come up and I got to talk to one of them in greater detail about what happened in those 24 hours before I was told my baby was gone for good. It was comforting to know that at least I was in a good place and my husband was there for me when I needed someone the most. She had no one, her baby's father was put in jail that night and had to stay there for a few days. I can't imagine and it made me a little more...thankful. That seems like such a bitch thing to say but I honestly feel like she is better off having lost the baby being in that kind of situation. I still felt kind of bad for myself for thinking "I'm married, have a steady job, decided to drink less, don't smoke or do drugs, I know my body, I take vitamins, I eat pretty healthy, so why did I lose my baby?" That is one question I can't answer for the life of me.
The garage sales were a lot of fun but there was one that had a lot of really cute maternity stuff and the baby stuff was adorable. The lady asked me if I was expecting and I told her "Nope, still trying." but I felt like saying "Not anymore, we are back in the saddle again though." I did buy a lot of baby stuff, toys, books, clothes, and a few maternity things, but opted to leave them at the IL's house so that I don't have to look at them all the time.
It may sound really bad, but I do really hope we are pregnant again already. Some may say its too soon but I feel like I am supposed to do this. Its what my angel would want. I can't imagine having to wait, let alone choosing to wait. I'm thinking that would be torture.
I'm starting to truely understand how some people work. There are people who will hear about someone miscarrying and will be there and be super supportive. These people will call you and listen to you vent and will cry with you. These are the people that help you heal. Then there are people who hear about it, and feel distance is best and they tend to run away. They don't call unless there is something they want sympathy for or to vent about something or someone. I really feel like Adam's cousin has been trying to avoid talking to me or hanging out with me. she used to call or text for the smallest reasons and would stay on the phone with me for a long time just to talk. When I told her about the miscarriage, she actually got me to thinking about his POV and how he must be feeling so sad and so upset because he had no physical connection like I did. And how he was being strong for me. Now she backs out of plans, forgets to lend things to me after I ask many times, doesn't call me back, gets pissy with me, and a few other things. I can't believe she had the balls to be so mean on the phone on friday night. I am so happy she talked to my voicemail because I would have probably snapped at her, causing another family rift. I really believe that in a way she feels bad that she got pregnant on accident, drank her whole first month, broke up with her baby's father when he told her he wasn't sure he wanted to be a dad, and all the other things she did and here Adam and I are, trying so hard and taking every chance we can to up the odds as much as possible. I think she's making herself uncomfortable with me and what happened. Hello, its not like I rub it in her face that she's supposed to be so happy she was so lucky to have a baby. I try not to talk about it with people unless its brought up for the very reason that I don't want to make people think I'm looking for sympathy. I don't need that. I just need to have close friend I can turn to when things aren't going the best. Someone to cry to when my day isn't going the way I had hoped and I feel like having a pity party. Thank God I found some people who have been there for me and I feel like they really are helping me heal. I say thank you to those people. You know who you are and you know you can move mountains. Thanks ladies!