Weird title huh? I promise, it should all come clear by the end of this.
So, I wasn't going to blog tonight, but I can't stand it anymore. There are so many things on my mind and I just HAVE TO get them out. I'll try to do this one topic at a time, although they might run together at times.
Grey hair. I have it. I noticed the first ones not long after Bailey's heightened chance of Down's came in. Especially after the heart defect was diagnosed. So much stress. Well, I know it does nothing, but I pulled a few out last night. Yea, I know that if you pull out one, you'll get 2 coming in its place. Well, at 26, I'm not going to leave as many in my head so that they can be found. I'll take the chance that more come in. I just can't deal with Grey Hair. I know that everyone starts greying at a different time, but its not MY time. I refuse. I don't want to start dying again, but I will start highlighting if it will help with my issue. The night I found the most was when I was down at RMH. All that stress managed to turn many hairs grey. I noticed 5 one night. Hadn't noticed them before and now here they were. My daughter in the NICU fighting for each breath and I'm going grey because I can barely handle the fact that I have a second kid, my oldest is having issues being close to me (I was afraid to get too close and have him taken too/neglecting one for the other/etc), I had given birth, and I couldn't take her home. Things went to hell that fast. That's why Adam and I both think that this whole year has shaved EASILY 5-10 years off our lives. His hair loss has accelerated and my greying is out of control. They are long, thick, and tend to show themselves to everyone. As if to say "This woman may look like she's in her 20s, but she's lived enough to be well into her 30s. Make sure to let her see you checking out these hairs!" Yea, I see you looking at them. I see you noticing and the looking at my face closer. You are looking for wrinkles. Well, I got them around my eyes (Crying so much? Lack of sleep?) and forehead (too much worry and for sure not enough sleep). I've aged about 10 years. My body is more beat up (I can't even climb into bed without making tons of bodily creaks and groans and my back and hips hurt like they are broken), my mind is slipping (can't remember simple things, I have to write it all down), I'm desperate for someone to talk to (and therapy sucks and does nothing if you can only go 1-2 times in 6 weeks! I'd love to have someone bring up Bailey and just talk with me about her. Everyone knows what she means to me, tell me how much she means to you.
Lets top that off with something that will really boggle your brain. There's something that lives in our apartment with us. No, its not a relative that won't leave. Its a spirit. I've seen red dots where I shouldn't see anything but black nothingness. Adam swore he saw someone tall walk past our bedroom one night while he was flipping from one side to the other. I've had a full body ice cold and chills feeling before. I've walked into the living room and felt that huge temp change. I've had Anthony lose it in my arms and freak out, staring off into the opposite corner, unable to look away but unable to feel safe without me around. Well, it happened again last night. Anthony wakes up in the middle of the night. Adam goes in after a while and then I hear him calling me to come in. Ok, so while he's doing all he can to calm Anthony, I walk in and feel a HUGE temp difference and see Adam and Anthony on the glider, staring in the corner and looking more than slightly spooked. I asked what was going on and take Anthony (who can't get into my arms fast enough) and start commanding in the corner they are both looking at "Get out of my home. You aren't welcome, get out. I don't want or allow you to be here. Leave if you have evil intentions." The temp comes up, the chills start cutting back, and Anthony starts to calm down a bit. He's still sobbing, and this is when Adam tells me why he was so freaked out.
Adam and opened Anthony's door and was waiting for his eyes to adjust when he saw how freaked Anthony was, he went in and felt the huge temp difference, it looked even darker than normal, and Anthony was flipping out, hardcore. He had gone in, grabbed Anthony, and gone over by the door. It was he only way he felt he was ok. I came in and the changed started to happen soon after. I felt it too though, when I went in.
I believe in spirits and all and know that not everything is good only. This felt BAD. It ended up leaving, but it caused some major problems. Not happy about that one bit. Took an hour to get Anthony to stop sobbing and another 30 mins to get things going back to us all going to bed. I have no idea what to think or do. It throws me for a loop. I don't like it at all. Lucky for me, Anthony did end up calming and sleeping through the rest of the night.
I don't like the feeling that there is nothing I can do.
