Our Little Addition

Ok, so its been about a week and a half to two weeks since we got our little bugger. Since Ceadee has been around, Adam and I have been super close. I think its a part of us that we really needed to get. He's so proud when she does the smallest things and the smallest things she does just melts his heart. She does this for me too. I love waking up every 2-3 hours to put her in her litter box and then feed her. I love putting her on my chest and napping with her. I suppose I better go back and tell the story of how we got her.
Well, my in laws have a pole barn with a false floor. Their dog must have heard the kittens crying and started to dig. After so long, there was a big hole under the barn and out tumbled a bunch of kittens. Well, the dog grabbed one up and took it over by the house. The momma cat must have started moving the kittens at that point because my father in law saw that the dog had slobbered up the kitten. He picked it up, dried it off, and tried to put it back. After about 45 mins he went back and saw that all the other kittens were gone except the one he had put back. She was abandoned. Poor thing was all slobbered up and no momma to clean her up! So my mother in law decided that our family should raise this kitten and see if we could get it to live. She called Adam and asked him if we would be willing to take care of a small kitten for a little while. We agreed and tried to keep in mind that she might not live because she's not with her mother anymore and wasn't eating. I fell in love at first sight. I even had a hard time letting anyone else hold her. I made sure to keep her close and warm as much as possible. When we weighed her on June 19th, she was a healthy .72 lbs. We went and wieghed her again yesterday (Thursday) and were shocked to see her balloon out to a plump .96 lbs. She gained almost a full quarter pound in exactly one week! She's been getting bigger, stronger, and more hungry everyday. Adam and I have also agreed that we aren't going to give her back. We have spent way too much time and energy (and money) to give her back and have my in laws put her outside and have her killed or taken away by a bigger animal. She's going to be an inside cat that goes outside for a while everyday. She has been taking pretty well to litter box training and more solid foods. She sleeps almost constantly. She's amazingly cute and makes us so happy to have her.
I also think that its true that having animals relaxes you. If I get pregnant this cycle of not, I know I'm going to be ok with it because I still have a baby that I can spoil and carry around. On top of it all, Adam and I can go to Valleyfair together. That is exciting all in itself!

Every Once In a While

The name of a song by a band I used to listen to. The name of the band is "BlackHawk" and I used to love them. For one reason or another, I just thought about that song. Every once in a while I think about my little one. I listened to "My Name" and "Glory Baby" last night. OF course it made me bawl like a little baby. I can't believe how long its been since I was in the hospital. Seven weeks. I would have been a full day away from 12 weeks. How the time flies. I still think about it all the time and always think about how I would do this or that being pregnant and how I would be feeling. Would I be sick all the time? Would I be tired? Would I be bloated already? Would people who didn't know be able to tell? All things I will never know but always wonder.
I've been sick lately and really think that I am doomed to be sick every cycle from now on. I hate how tired I feel and how I'm not in the mood to sleep anymore. I've slept so much other the past few days and even called in yesterday! I NEVER call in unless I feel super sick and I had a temp of 100.4. I think that qualifies as being able to call off. I also got Adam sick so I know that I was contagious. That is not a good thing. If I were to give this to anyone or to manage to re-infect myself, I would be so upset.
I have a feeling with all that we are planning for this cycle, that it will be our time. Things just seem to be going right. My brother is out of prision, Adam and I aren't fighting all the time (hope I didn't jinx it) and I'm starting to feel a little better each day. I just hope that it will be our time.
And for those who are curious about the song, here's the link to youtube. Sorry the audio sucks but its a good song none the less. Enjoy! http://youtube.com/watch?v=4DfseyymR1s

Saliva In Concert

OH.MY.DEAR.GOD. The concert was so fun! I have to start at the beginning of my day though for the full effect of our day on Thursday! I had the day off so I got to sleep in as late as I wanted. I was awake my 10. Great. Now what? I was sitting in front of my good ol' buddy thenest when Adam called and asked me to come into his store and help him with some things he needed to do so that he could get out on time. I said yes and started getting ready. 2 hours later I finally head out the door and am on my way. Working there wasn't very fun. Putting numbers in the computer. Yeay. After that, we did his other work and then went home to change. We then call to see if we could buy tickets ahead of time and were told we needed to pick them up in person by 6 for the discount. DAMN! That was about 1Hr 15 mins away! We would never make it no matter how we drove. Tried to ask his friend to go pick them up. Nope. Too lazy. DAMN! I really wanted to go and there were going to be tickets at the door but no guarantee that we would get them. So I called good ol' Daddy. Thought he was down there visiting his girlfriend. He said he would go get them for us but it would be about 5:45 when he got there. I didn't realize he was at home! (30 miles away from the tickets) but he still agreed. That said and done, we kept driving. I think its a good time to point out that the weather was REALLY bad and at times, the water was sitting on the road and pulling cars all over. We were making great time when I saw this THING walking onto the road. I thought it was a HUGE crow or a raven. I told Adam to slow down because it wasn't running or flying. He slams on the brakes and lays on the horn, Its a damn WILD TURKEY! Well, it flew up and over the car just in time and slammed back onto the road. It then realized it was time to get out of the road and booked it out of there. Dumb animal. Well, long story short, my dad made it in time for the tickets (and got a few weird comments from the other concert goers) and when we picked them up, he gave me my late birthday present. A monkey etching. A Momma monkey and a baby monkey. It looks professionally done. My dad did this. Anyway, we stood outside the hall for the concert and were waiting to get in. The rain kept getting worse and worse. Thank God we got under the canopy before hand!
The opener band was really bad. It seemed more like the lead "singer" wanted to be the lead screamer. It was noise, not music. Saliva came on stage and I gotta say, the lead singer is a little heavier than I thought he was in the video, but who am I to judge. WOW. What a bunch of characters! One looked like he belonged in Ozzy's crew and another looked like he belonged next to Slash from Guns N Roses! The drummer's dreds were as long as my hair used to be (down to his waist). The guitar guy(the Ozzy guy) was spitting/spraying beer all over and probably not even playing half the time, just getting drunk and bathing in the beer. It was hard to NOT watch! The music was awesome and the bouncers. OMG the one was badass! He jumped into the mosh pit to calm the stupid ones down and stepped on my one calf. OUCHIE! When he came out (backing up and jerking as he went) I saw that he had a guy by the back of his shirt and around the neck. WITH ONE HAND. The other arm was pinning another guy's head against his chest making the guy look like a bug on his back, spazing before dying. I totally forgave him for hurting me by just watching him pull these guys along like they were rag dolls! The concert ended on a really good note and they promised to come back real soon (I really hope so) and then left. Adam and I were talking about it the whole way home. If you have the chance to go see Saliva and like their genre of music, I highly recommend you go. It was so much fun.

I'm so tired anymore

Of people telling me I'm a rude person or I'm bitter. I just want to scream back "And have you dealt with what I have in the past month and a half? No, so STFU." I was in such a good mood too. Between people being rude/stupid today and having to work stupid hours because of whiny little brats at work, I'm about ready to just walk off the job and break the computer. I have been feeling like everyone's punching bag. There are people at work that ask me for this or that and don't even really listen. I had to tell someone 10 times that the number she needed was 4889. Seriously now, if you shut your fucking hole and listened, I wouldn't have to keep saying it. They give us books with codes in them for a reason. And don't be asking me 500 times why something isn't working right. I'm not in front of your computer. I have no idea. How about you call the God damned manager? Why do customers also feel its necessary to be extremely rude to the person behind the Service Counter? Its not our fault that you picked up the wrong can of fruit and wanted the other one that was on sale. And if you don't give the cashier the coupons, don't come up and yell at me about how "stupid and lazy" she is. You are the one who was dumb enough to hold on to the coupons and not hand them over before swiping your card. Some people have no idea who they are supposed to be upset with.
Adam and I have been having fun lately and trying to just live life and not really think about babies. Not that it works, but we try. I cried last night listening to various songs on my projectplaylist. My Name just about killed me. I keep thinking about how far along I would be and what I would be feeling and how big the baby would be. 10 weeks and 4 days. 6 weeks ago I lost my baby. How time flies. Seems like so long ago and yet, it feels like it was yesterday. Can't dwell in the past though, right? Thank God I have such a great support system. The people who are really there for me are awesome.
I suppose I better head off to bed now. I have to train another girl tomorrow (SNORE) and that means its gonna be a long friggin 5 hours. Especially if she's a quick learner. Maybe I'll luck out and people will let me bag their groceries! Night ladies. Sleep well and blog more tomorrow.

Here I stand...on the verge again

I hate 2ww. I'm back here again because I finally ovulated, and now I have to wait until my period shows. Hopefully, everything will go in a different direction. I want this cycle over with. I would actually welcome my period too. One of the few times I actually feel that I can accept her coming and not lose my mind. There is a part of me that really wants her to be late and I can find out I'm pregnant again, but there are so many things that I worry about now. We were denied the state insurance we needed to help us cover the hospital bill. I'm hoping to be able to plead to the case worker's sensitive side and understand what is going on. We don't make that much. Its basically just helping us keep ahead of Adam's student loans. I've had to go on forebarence on one of mine. Its time to pay off that schooling that I *had to have*. What a waste of $18 grand.
If we find out we are pregnant again (which I doubt because of bad timing) then we will re-apply for insurance. I'm not really sure what result I would want. Do I want to be pregnant again? Do I want to go through that roller coaster again? Would I be unable to be happy? Would I worry right through the good times? If we do get pregnant again this cycle, we would be due around Valentines day. That would be awesome but I'm questioning if I'm really ready to try again. I feel like there is so much working against us. I know I can depend on Adam to help me through the hard times, but I can't help but think, "What if...? What if it happens again? What if we never get to be parents? What if I get farther along and we lose it? What if...?" I'm so scared. I feel that I would be a good mom, but I can't help but be scared out of my wits. I know I want to try again, but I'm not sure when. This sounds like I'm not ready at all, but I am. I'm just really worried about what *could* happen. It doesn't help when there are certain people who are always talking about how they are pregnant and this is going on and this and this and this. Then they whine about all those little things that come with being pregnant. Hello, I would still trade places with you. I would rather be throwing up my inner everythings rather than sitting in front of the computer on the verge of tears thinking about what I would KILL to have and what I have lost.
My mom is always asking me how I am *really* doing when we talk on the phone. I'm fine mom, really. Yes, I'm still taking the prenatals. No, its not a bad thing that I'm taking them before I am pregnant. Yes, we are leaning on each other for support. No, we aren't pregnant again. Yes, I would love to be pregnant again. No, we don't know when it will happen again. She means well enough, its just a lot to have to answer over and over. I love her to death and how she's been there for me and listens if I need it. I only wish I could send her a copy of TCOYF and be able to really talk about all this fertility crap with her. We are talking about a woman that was raped and gave birth to my older brother, then got married and tried for over a year to get pregnant and was about to give up when she got pregnant with me. Then about 15 years later, got pregnant again pretty much on accident. That is how I have the siblings I have. She knows how painful it is to try and not get the results you want but she's never been through this. Its apples vs. oranges. My dad is totally clueless and keeps telling me that I'm still very young and if we "just relax" it will happen. Sorry, but I'm not going to stop monitoring what's going on with my body. He's like a walking billboard of bad things to say to a woman who miscarries. "Its just your body stopping something bad from happening" "At least it happened early rather than later on" "Something must have gone wrong in how it was developing, Give thanks that it happened because children with disabilities are a handful" Thanks Daddy. Not helpful. Every once in a while, I'm able to talk to Adam's mom about it. For the most part, she just listens and gives me a hug and encouragement (Megan, it WILL happen again, when its time.) when I feel like falling apart.
I haven't really cried in a while but today was a really hard day. I had people bitching at me like everything ringing up wrong was all my fault and that I was a total idiot who didn't know how to do their job. One of them was VERY pregnant. she literally snapped at me and told me that *I* buried her coupons with her groceries...before I even started on her order. The belt wasn't moving when she loaded it, so I don't know what the hell she was trying to pull, but I let it slide because she's pregnant. You only get so many free passes though. I know it can be really hard being knocked up and that its not all puppies, rainbows, and butterflies. But for Christ's sake, smile! You are glowing! You might not feel like anything special, but look at the miracle you are helping to create! Don't walk around like someone pissed in your Cheerios. Don't bitch to me about how its so hard and I should be *sooo* happy I'm not in their shoes. Umm, thanks. I was once. I actually had a hard time *NOT* smiling. I had Adam kissing my belly (showing love to baby) and telling me that there was *something* different about me. I loved it! Cramps and all. Don't tell me to be happy I'm not in your shoes. I would trade just about anything to have that back again.