Its gonna be another one of those days

I can't believe that I'm so weepy right now but I can't help but be pissed off. I'm so happy for 2 of the girls but one of the others, I just can't be nice at all. I really hate how people can be so stupid. Then I see nolan on 1st tri bitching about "not feeling pregnant anymore" and thinking after 9 weeks, there is no chance for a miscarriage. I felt pregnant all 3 days that I knew I was. Stupid freak of nature is probably faking. If not, I'm trying to hold back a certain thought that I told myself I would never wish on anyone. I just can't feel very happy today. Its days like this that I miss being pregnant. I cry at the drop of a hat when someone says something mean to me. And of course, I have to work at the service counter and deal with all the stupid city people who come up and invade our quiet town. I really wish I could take the day off and go with Adam to his parents and join in the fun down there but I have to work. Its one of those shifts you can't call in and say "I can't make it". Let the tears flow for now. I hope the stupid people move along and stop rubbing salt in my wounds. I can only imagine how many other people feel the same way and just feel they can't or just won't say it. I really wish they would because then more stupid people would find somewhere else to piss people off. I'm off to my day...hope for the best.

Just another day in paradise

Finally, the company has left. Actually, he left when I was getting ready for work. I love the guy to death, but he over stayed his welcome. Thanks hunny, for letting him stay again, despite knowing that him sleeping in the living room totally screwed up my routine. Its really hard to walk around half naked when there is a guy sleeping in your living room. I normally get up, grab my pjs, wander out to the computer and turn it on. While I'm finding food, I'll get dressed into my pjs and then sit down for a little "me" time. Its hard to do that with someone sleeping on your living room floor right up against where the chair sits, let alone be able to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom to get clothes! Oh well, thank God he's out of here for a little while. Maybe next time Adam will actually clean out his room and we can put guests in there!
My temp actually didn't crash. I gotta say, I was shocked. Excited too because this means I still have a small chance. I'm not putting much merit into it though. I never really thought I would be facing 5 cycles of trying and adding a miscarriage into the mix. I think I've said that before but its that hard to wrap my mind around. I'm really hopeful for more of the others on GP to get their BFP. I like stalking their charts and watching them hopefully get that positive test.
Once again, my job has been frustrating me. My boss is wanting me to watch my hours and make sure I don't go over again while there are 2 co-irkers that are literally trying to get fired on purpose in order to collect unemployment and be lazy. They do anything and everything they can to piss everyone else off and just don't give a damn. Today, it took one of them (not even kidding, I wish I were making this up) TEN minutes to come down the stairs and get up to the service counter to relieve me. Its literally a process that takes about 1-2 minutes. It took her 10. She knows that she's the reason most people are over on their hours but really doesn't care. The other girl was told to go on break because she was holding up the whole process and we had 3 girls who needed to go as soon as she got back (only one cashier can go on break at a time so that we are never shorthanded, also we can't go on break after half past the hour because it leaves us short). When she was told she needed to go so that the rest of us could go she said "tough shit. Sounds like your problem. not mine. I could really give a shit if you get to go on break or not." I really wish slapping her was legal. We are talking about a 17 y/o and a 24y/o. Real mature ladies! I can't wait until they do get canned in such a way that they don't get unemployment. Its a lot more work to get the paperwork going in the union, but its totally worth it in the end. I really wish I could find a friggin massage job that was full time, year round. Then I could leave the store and work on my own schedule with no worries about stupid co-irkers! Either that or I need to get pregnant and work from home. Barefoot and pregnant. Sadly enough, that would be a dream job right now. Maybe someday. Hopefully someday soon. Que the music. Its just another day in my paradise.

With the amount of crap in my life

You would think I live in a sewer with the amount of shit I put up with. Today, Adam managed to piss me off, invite our company to stay another night (without asking me first) and boot me off my computer and take away the tv. It hasn't been the best day. Couple that with the crap at work and my body/temps, I'm about ready to jump off the Golden Gate. My temps and CM are making me think I'm gearing up to O (again). I find it harder and harder to get excited about it or even make the effort to get Adam in the mood. Why bother? I got myself to the point where I was ok with the idea of this cycle being annovulatory. So why bust this out on me? I've been stressing a lot lately which isn't helping anything too! I guess its on to cycle 5 as soon as AF gets off her lazy ass and just shows up.
Today, H's cousin Cole was arrested for having 3 pounds (yes P-O-U-N-D-S) of pot on him along with $3000 cash. Let's just say, I wasn't all too shocked when I was told about this. He wasn't an angel growing up so this is not surprising. On top of that, his other cousin, Chas, was hit by a car at some point and has pretty severe internal bleeding. My MIL has no clue where he is (as in, what hospital) and how he's doing. One last thing, Adam's uncle (who is maybe 12-18 months older than Adam) has split from his wife *again* and swears he's not going back *again*. He just came out with this news on Saturday. Its been an eventful week already! Cross your fingers for our family right now. We could use all the prayers we can get.
I don't know what else to say, everything is a total mess right now and I'm not sure what to think about anything. Pray for O or AF real soon. I'm about sick of this cycle. I know I'm being a total AW right now, but I think I should have the right to. If anyone has an issue with it, at least its not me having the issue, therefore I can sleep just fine at night.
More tomorrow night when I'm not so gloom-and-doom.

So you had a bad day...

I keep thinking of that song in my head today. I had a million different things I had to do today and very little time to do any of it. I did do all that was on my list thankfully, but I also had been up since 6 am because of my stupid temps. My temp shot up a little more yesterday only to come crashing down on me today. I wanted to cry and throw a fit and just freak out on BOTH (yes both) thermometers. Neither one was telling me what I wanted to hear. Adam came in to say good night to me and when I told him about me not ovulating this cycle, he just looked at me and said "Baby, I'm sorry. I wish I could make it all better." I can't believe I am probably not going to ovulate this cycle. Adam keeps asking if I'm sure and if we should keep trying "just in case". Poor guy wants a baby just as badly, if not more than me. Just thinking of it makes me cry. I so just wish I could give him what he's been wishing for and waiting for since we got married. He had to go back into work later on after he came home because the power went out and no one could fix this or that in the store to keep things running. I decided to help by bringing in carts. While doing this, one of his employees came and told me "I've been meaning to talk to you about what happened. First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. There are never words that can really make you feel better, I know. Don and I were pregnant 8 times and only have 3 kids. 2 sets of twins we lost and our latest loss was at 17 weeks. I know its so painful and there is always going to be that hole in your heart. I know you have a great support system online, from what Adam tells me. That's all fine and dandy, but if you need someone to cry to in real life, give me a call." I started to well up because of the stresses of the day and told her "All I want in the whole world is my baby. I feel like such a failure because of what happened. I know it wasn't anything I really did, but I still feel at fault." I had to fight off the tears because I really don't want to br crying in front of his employees. I hate the sympathy looks. There was so much that I felt today that I can't really put down on a computer or on paper.
The other excitement today was when I came home from all my little "to-do's", there were 3, count em, THREE police vehicles. Two were sheriff's dept and one was "Lake Shore Police". The Lake Shore officer was leaving when I pulled in and I almost ran into him while rubbernecking the other 2. I was shocked! We live out in the middle of no where. The most excitement we see is when people park on the side of the road to go fishing where the creek meets the lake. I hear its a good fishing spot. Anyway, I took a photo on my phone and sent it to Adam as a "look at what's going on here!" and went inside. I didn't really lock the door (like I said, its a pretty remote place, I think) and started up the computer. I wasn't even 3 bites into my burger when there was a knock on our door. I open it to find myself face to face with a sheriff's dept officer. I looked at him totally dumbfounded and said "Hi, is there anything I can help you with?" He tries to look behind me and asks, "Have you seen anyone suspisious around or heard anything odd going on around here today?" "No, I've been gone since about 9:30 and just got back about 10 mins ago" "I ask because there was a break in a little while ago and one of the guys who lives there came home to the guy breaking in and was shot at." Imagine me standing there at the door, burger in one hand and my jaw falling to the floor with a hard THUD. O.M.G. A BREAK IN? WTF? I had to ask "is everything ok?" "From what we can tell everything is ok, the guy took off on foot into the woods over in that direction. We don't know if he took off on foot or got into a vehicle after that. Was your door locked today?" "Yea, we lock the door knob. We only lock the dead bolt if we go out of town over night." "well when I leave, you make sure to lock all your doors and windows. We doubt he will come back but there is no need to risk it. If you can think of anything wierd, please let us know." and with that, he said good bye and walked across the hall. I stood there for what seemed like 30 mins, shocked. I kind of listened to what the guy across the hall heard and then ran inside and locked (both locks) the door and ran to the porch door. UNLOCKED. Both the screen door and the glass door were NOT locked. I about shit myself. We live on the second floor but it still scared me. I ran out, grabbed my poor dying plant and saw the lady that lives downstairs outside too. I decided to ask her what happened and she told me "I was in the shower and our porch door was wide OPEN. When I heard the shot, I didn't think that is what it was until the police came to my door. I had them search my whole house, especially my son's room. My boyfriend is always yelling at me for leaving windows and this door unlocked. I learned my lesson!" We chatted for a little while after that and watched the officer walk into the woods where I assume the guy ran off. The people down stairs use their porch door as their way in. The main door that opens to all the apts is always locked. It locks automatically behind you. I started thinking about when Adam and I decided to move into this complex. We almost took the other apartment in the other building (where the break in was) and that apt was on the ground floor. I had to sit down and just absorb what happened. My phone rang, Adam was on auto panic when he got the message and not knowing what happened. I told him the whole goings on and he told me "Lock all the doors and windows until I get home. From now on, we lock both locks and that porch door is always locked. We need a Jimmy bar for that thing." After we hung up, I decided to go lay down. Too much stress for one day. Adam called back about 30 mins after his first call and told me "I told my mom. She told me to tell you to not open the door again until you know who is on the other side. I'm on my way home now. I just thought I would tell you now so that you didn't freak out when someone came in." He told me later on that he came home because he was concerned about me. He wanted to be there "just in case" something happened. We are going down to his parents tomorrow to pick up some important documents and his shot gun. I guess I get to learn how to shoot tomorrow. First time ever. Quite frankly, I would have expected this in our old apartment, but not here! This is a community full of old people/retired/rich people. I suppose that makes it an easy target but you don't imagine that to happen so close to you! We don't go outside alone now and we aren't taking walks down to the dam any more. I want to know that this guy was caught before I go out on my own. I'll be lucky if I don't have a panic attack while trying to get in at least once this week! Strange thing is, I've been having wierd feelings when I come home. I felt like I was being watched and that put me in panic mode and I would FLING the door open, RUN inside, and SLAM it shut again. I tried to tell myself that it was just my over active imagination. Adam is gonna have to walk me into the house for a good long while now. Even now, I still get the chills and get afraid of the little sounds I hear. There are only 8 apts in this complex. Those are good chances for something bad.
I told you it has been an eventful day. From the smallest of things that have effected me directly, to the bigger things that have shaken all of us that live here to the core. It will be a good long while before we all get comfortable with the security here. I suppose I should *try* and get some sleep since I have to be up super early again. Good night!

Its the littlest things

That annoy me. It annoys me that my MIL takes no time to tell people that Adam and I are pregnant, but doesn't take the time to tell people that we lost it so that it doesn't come up. Last night H sprung it on me that we should stay over night at their house and go to the bars to see who is there. Well, we did and we ran into his uncle (who is about a year older than H, has 3 kids, all the kids were accidents, and his baby momma is a little whore) and he told us "Congrats again man! Way to go!" Can you imagine how much it hurt to have to tell him that it didn't work out almost a month ago? It hurt. It was so hard to say it and see his face just fall. He left to go talk to a friend quick and said he would be back. When he left, I felt the tears coming and I asked Adam "Ok, your mom takes no time in telling the whole family about the BFP but doesn't tell anyone about the loss? WTF is her deal? Does she think I LIKE telling people my baby is dead?" Adam looked at me and said "I'm sorry, Honey. I know its still kind of a sensitive spot for you. I was hoping it wouldn't come up tonight." I had to pull it together to deal with his uncle coming back to tell us about his night and how he had passed out in the park while taking a walk and trying to clear his head. Also had a few ladies come up and I got to talk to one of them in greater detail about what happened in those 24 hours before I was told my baby was gone for good. It was comforting to know that at least I was in a good place and my husband was there for me when I needed someone the most. She had no one, her baby's father was put in jail that night and had to stay there for a few days. I can't imagine and it made me a little more...thankful. That seems like such a bitch thing to say but I honestly feel like she is better off having lost the baby being in that kind of situation. I still felt kind of bad for myself for thinking "I'm married, have a steady job, decided to drink less, don't smoke or do drugs, I know my body, I take vitamins, I eat pretty healthy, so why did I lose my baby?" That is one question I can't answer for the life of me.
The garage sales were a lot of fun but there was one that had a lot of really cute maternity stuff and the baby stuff was adorable. The lady asked me if I was expecting and I told her "Nope, still trying." but I felt like saying "Not anymore, we are back in the saddle again though." I did buy a lot of baby stuff, toys, books, clothes, and a few maternity things, but opted to leave them at the IL's house so that I don't have to look at them all the time.
It may sound really bad, but I do really hope we are pregnant again already. Some may say its too soon but I feel like I am supposed to do this. Its what my angel would want. I can't imagine having to wait, let alone choosing to wait. I'm thinking that would be torture.
I'm starting to truely understand how some people work. There are people who will hear about someone miscarrying and will be there and be super supportive. These people will call you and listen to you vent and will cry with you. These are the people that help you heal. Then there are people who hear about it, and feel distance is best and they tend to run away. They don't call unless there is something they want sympathy for or to vent about something or someone. I really feel like Adam's cousin has been trying to avoid talking to me or hanging out with me. she used to call or text for the smallest reasons and would stay on the phone with me for a long time just to talk. When I told her about the miscarriage, she actually got me to thinking about his POV and how he must be feeling so sad and so upset because he had no physical connection like I did. And how he was being strong for me. Now she backs out of plans, forgets to lend things to me after I ask many times, doesn't call me back, gets pissy with me, and a few other things. I can't believe she had the balls to be so mean on the phone on friday night. I am so happy she talked to my voicemail because I would have probably snapped at her, causing another family rift. I really believe that in a way she feels bad that she got pregnant on accident, drank her whole first month, broke up with her baby's father when he told her he wasn't sure he wanted to be a dad, and all the other things she did and here Adam and I are, trying so hard and taking every chance we can to up the odds as much as possible. I think she's making herself uncomfortable with me and what happened. Hello, its not like I rub it in her face that she's supposed to be so happy she was so lucky to have a baby. I try not to talk about it with people unless its brought up for the very reason that I don't want to make people think I'm looking for sympathy. I don't need that. I just need to have close friend I can turn to when things aren't going the best. Someone to cry to when my day isn't going the way I had hoped and I feel like having a pity party. Thank God I found some people who have been there for me and I feel like they really are helping me heal. I say thank you to those people. You know who you are and you know you can move mountains. Thanks ladies!

"My Name" George Canyon

I keep finding good songs to add. Here's one
"My Name" By George Canyon
It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name

I can't describe how I feel

Today is weird. I feel oddly calm and kind of happy today. I feel like I should be sad and upset and still shed more tears than I do but I feel really...happy. I see some women who are so upset and count the days and for one reason or another, I forget and don't really take the steps to find out how long its been. I also have come to resent other pregnant women less and less. I just pray that they are taking care of themselves and don't take what they have for granted.
The other day, I had a coworker ask me "So when do you find out what you are having" I looked at her shocked and said "OMG you don't know? I'm surprised no one said anything to you. Everyone else knows" She looked at me and said "Well, tell me now" "I lost the baby 3 weeks ago." I told her what had happened and how I was dealing. I felt a little weepy, but not enough to really cry.
Mother's Day I took a test and it came back BFN. No surprise really. I kind of expected it. I also tried to take it easy that day and LO and behold, I get fertile signs again. I knew I hadn't Ovulated! Thank GOD! Adam has been asking me a lot "So are you still fertile?" and tries to seduce. What a doofus. So much for waiting! I guess he's just as ready as I feel I am. Game on!
I really hope that getting pregnant again is easy and this time, I get to enjoy it and actually carry to term. I can't wait to have a happy, healthy baby in my arms. I know its what my baby would want Mommy and Daddy to have.

Mother's Day, What a bittersweet thing

I want so badly to celebrate my moms (biological and not) but I can't seem to get past the idea that I'm a mom too, my little one is in Heaven instead of being in my belly. The days are getting a little easier, but I always worry that tomorrow will be a total disaster and that I won't be able to stop crying. I see a pregnant woman and want to run up to her and tell her to treasure everyday that baby is in there and growing. Of course I don't, but it also hurts to see unhappy pregnant women and hear then complain. Hello! I'd give anything to have the morning sickness. I would gladly take on bed rest (and if you know me, you know I can't lay around all day, doing nothing) and going to the doctor every week. I know being pregnant is hard, but its no party to lose it either. I made the choice to have my heart walking outside my body for the rest of my life and instead, my heart just got torn out. I would have been 7w1d by now. SEVEN WEEKS! I learned about the little munchkin almost 3 weeks ago. And 3 days after learning we were expecting, I'm a ball of emotions, none of which I should be feeling. I should be happy. Rubbing my belly and talking to my baby. I used to make H kiss my belly like he was kissing the baby good night. Its an empty feeling to know there's nothing there now. We really want to try again soon, but Adam is so scared it will happen again. I can't help but think that in some screwed up way, I'm trying to replace what I lost. Not like you could ever really replace something like that. Depressing music and sad shows seem to rule my life.
I know I want to spend time with my in-laws, but I don't know if I can handle the pity looks. You know what I mean. Where people look at you and tell you they are sorry and treat you like you are made of tissue paper. I am not fragile. Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. Just support me if I need it, damn it! I'm not a hopeless case. I'm just hurting. They say that after a while it won't hurt as much. I'm finding this is true, but I don't think I've hit any real mile markers. I think I will have to wait a few MONTHS before I can talk about it almost any day of the week. Adam has been so amazing through all this. I swear he almost decked the nurses that kept hugging me and wouldn't let us just run out of the hospital as fast as possible that day. I know that he's hurting too and deals with it on his own, but I think I need to see him upset about it again. Once in a while he will cry and tell me he's not coping very well. Its those days that prove that he really is my soul mate and that we will get through this. It might be a while, but we will. Its no wonder we like the saying "Come What May". If you have ever seen the movie Moulin Rouge, you know what I mean. He's amazing.
I realize there are other women out there that are dealing with more recent losses and my heart goes out to them. Really it does. I can't imagine being back in that place again. It scares me that since this happened once, its more likely to happen again. I really hope that God doesn't do this to me again. I've already been angry with him once. I just don't see how its fair. We are married, responsible, financially stable, mentally ready, and have all the support we could handle, but I can't stay pregnant. Then, there are women who have sex once, do drugs, drink, smoke, sleep around, mooch off friends and family, aren't married or in a stable relationship, don't work, and want everyone to pity them. They are the ones that always seem to have NO issue getting pregnant. Why does it have to be an urban myth for anyone who really wants a baby and is in the right places?
Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there. No matter if you can hold your children now or if they are in Heaven getting their wings and halos. You are a mother. Enjoy your day.
Watermark \ Glory Baby
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies,
it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

"Glory Baby" Watermark

Watermark \ Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…