Family. *SIGH*

Don't know how to handle them.
Ok, so I had a talk with my father after a few long weeks of silence on both ends (hey, you would too with how he's been acting) and finally we each got to air our issues. About time I know. He finally got to explain his reaction to us being pg (he thinks he won't get to see the baby at all) and why he's been so hard to deal with and always putting everyone down. I also got to air a lot of issues I've been dealing with and finally tell him why I don't talk to anyone from his side of the family about the baby. HELLO?!?! How about that cousin of mine who could do no wrong, got ku out of wedlock, never talks to the father (5 years later) and just had another one with a guy named T-Don. She has the whole family saying congrats and all that while no one really acknowledges my child. Unborn, yes, but there none the less. I also got to tell him that Mom isn't quite the bad guy he keeps thinking she is. She never said anything bad about him until I told her what I thought about him. He's been bashing her since I could remember. I got to tell him that if he keeps living in the past 25 years, he's going to push away his kids and grand kids and not even notice that 25 more years have blown by and he wasn't a part of them. I think it finally dawned on him that he needs to stop being such a bull headed pig and let all of it GO. He says he doesn't live in the past and he doesn't hold grudges. Please. Who did I learn it from then? We'll see. As we get closer to the birth, I'm going to let him know that he won't do to my son what he did to me while I was growing up.
In other news, Mom told me last night something that actually shocked me although, I'm not sure why. Mom did natural, drug free births with us kids. Ok, so my little sister is an exception because she was a c-sect baby, but the only time my Mom got drugs was before her episiotomy. WOW. She's slowly turning me towards doing the same. Obviously there won't be any plan put in place until we start birthing classes, but its good to know someone else who went through it and gave some good, sound advice. I've heard some people since who have told me that they liked/disliked, and YES I have listened and will take that into consideration with my choice. But major thanks for the info!
In other news, nothing really going on that's too major. Just a few deaths in the family (MIL's uncle died after drinking himself to death and another not so close family member who also drank was found dead July 5th), but all in all, I think everyone is doing good. Melissa and I are comparing bellies when we see each other (its confirmed she's only having one, she's just that small framed) and I think she's just a little bigger than I am. She's super excited to find out what she's having, but has to wait until August. She's kinda hoping for a boy since this will be their last, but has plans for a BEAUTIFUL name for a girl if she's blessed with another. Shall be interesting to see what comes out!
We are just getting so excited for all the changes happening in our lives. The dr wasn't happy last time we went in (I hadn't really gained much) but since then, I've gained quite a bit. Hopefully this trend will keep going and we will be on track again. I guess I was being *too* careful with watching the bad calories. Until they get out of hand, I'm going to eat what I want. Belly is also starting to grow and there's so much movement! Can't wait!
Congrats to the girls who have gotten pregnant lately and those who have given birth. Keep the miracles coming and keep me updated. I LOVE hearing how everyone is doing!

Praying and its powers

So today, while sitting in the waiting room, ready and nervous as all get out to see the dr. I said a little prayer knowing that there were 3 other women about to step into the drs around the same time. I got a message soon after we got out from one. GREAT news. Baby's on track and doing fine. Another one. Bad news. An EP (ectopic pregnancy). Adam and I both had quiet moments reflecting back on our experience and feeling the sorrow for this poor woman and her husband. My heart goes out to her right now. That's all I'm gonna say because everything else, I've said to her. I love you, sweetie. I'm here for you if there is ANYTHING I can do.
The third appointment? I heard about later. More great news. Almost a perfect day.
Its crazy the things that can happen when you pray. You might get answers you are looking for. You might get answers you dread. Or, you just might not get answers. I guess we all don't know what is best for us all the time. For now, I pray that comfort is given where needed. And answers given.
Its really odd, yet amazing what the power of prayer can really do. Still knocks me off my feet.

Moving the pregnant stuff

to the other blog. I am doing this because I feel it would be easier if someone doesn't want to read the baby overload. I'm not going to delete it from here, but I just feel it would be more respectful to those who don't want to see all that at the moment.
I'm praying my hind end off for all the women still trying to get pregnant. I was blessed that I didn't really have to go through the testing (only one test) and I ended up KU soon after. The only thing(s) I can offer is take what the dr says to heart, have faith (don't give up hope, no matter what), and remember there are people around you who will at least listen if not try to understand what you are going through. Just let them know if you want them to just listen or to offer advice. I'm pulling for all of you and praying all of you get your little miracles VERY soon. Its long overdue and no one (NO ONE!!!!) deserves IF and its nasty little everythings that go with it. Best of luck and chins up.

How big is baby?

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.
As soon as your belly starts to curve outward, you'll discover that the world is full of uncertified pregnancy experts. While unsolicited comments can range from amusing ("Eat carrots or your child will be nearsighted") to downright scary ("All that exercise is hurting the baby!"), try not to let them get to you. You and your health-care provider are the best judges of appropriate pregnancy behavior. A polite "Thanks, I'll check with my doctor about that," should end the unsolicited remarks.

OMG! Freaking hilarious!

I was watching AFV and saw this. Had to see if it was on Youtube and by God it was!

So, this week

Is something else. Adam and I got to hang out on Saturday night and went to St Cloud for no real reason at all besides just getting out of town. OMG it was AMAZING to go down memory lane. "Remember living there? How about going for walks through Munsinger Gardens? How about that New Years in the Cashwise parking lot after you got off work at SJU and we had to make it N/A?" OMG it was so much fun. We went to the mall and I managed to find some good nursing bras. Yes, I've outgrown my bras. I only had 2 to begin with so growing as much as I did isn't helping. I might have to modify one of them and maybe exchange the other, but we shall see how it goes with the mod. We drove around (sucks bad since the bridge still isn't rebuilt) and checked out everything we used to do. Bravo Burrito was awesome as usual. Adam even wanted to go check out all the baby stores around to see what we could see. It was so fun. We ended up coming home early and just hanging out the rest of the night. I could totally handle days like that more often.
I also managed to get Saturday and Sunday off. Think we might try to get to church again. I think I could actually make it through the whole mass without having to sit while they are all standing.
Went garage saleing in Pierz too. That was so much fun. There was me, Melissa (5w!), Carla (new g-ma) MIL Tammie (excited g-ma), and Helen (Mel, Carla, and MIL's mom and excited great g-ma). We all had between $90 and $130 each. I came home with $65, Mel came back with $50, Helen with $20, Carla with $10 and MIL dead broke. She actually managed to scrape together 50 cents for a super cute onesie. She even had it all cleaned up before we got back from my dentist appointment.
SPEAKING OF...my two front teeth are whole again! There is still some work to be done on them and I'll post a photo at that time, but I'm beyond excited that I can smile again without thinking "OMG they are looking at my teeth. they think I can't afford a god damn toothbrush. some kid is going to say something really mean and I'm gonna cry". My whole head hurt afterwards so I'm not too sure how the 21st is going to go. I'm actually scared that it will hurt just as much. It wouldn't be so bad but I keep remembering that the novacaine wore off half way through my last appointment...I didn't feel pain, but I felt he was poking around. Maybe since the next tooth isn't a front one it won't hurt.
And while I'm thinking about it, I'm getting close to needing to set up my next prenatal appointment! EXCITING! I know they won't do anything except paper work, maybe some bw, and the likes, but its still cool. Means I'm that much closer to my big u/s! And the dr is making us wait to 20w so its built up tension! May 16 is the big Monticello garage sale. Stoked about that!

How big is baby?

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)
The embryo reaches a developmental milestone at the end of this week--it has achieved its basic structural form, and will be known as a fetus (Latin for "offspring") from now until it reaches full term. Because the fetus is still curled up in a snug position in the uterus, it's hard to measure an exact length including the legs. For this reason, health professionals use the crown-to-rump measurement, or the distance from the top of the head to the buttocks. Your baby's crown-to-rump length is now about 1 1/4 inches, and she weighs less than half an ounce.
~Great to know that the bump thinks calling my child a prune is ok. Makes me wanna gag. And actually, prunes are just not what I need right now...amazing enough I can handle that job on my own. Also, the dreams can subside at any moment. Especially the sex ones. Waking up in the mood and having it go away within 10 mins is just not cool. I'd like to take advantage of it once...lol

10 Items or less

We've all seen the express lane at the store. Especially the grocery store. If you only have 10 (some are even 20, 8, or 5!) items and the store is busy, you get a special pass to go through the Express Lane. That doesn't mean that if the store isn't busy and the person at the counter/lane/register looks like they need something to do, you get to go through no matter how many people are in that line before you. You are more than welcome to go through a regular lane when its not busy. Hell, some people even let you in before them if you have a few things and they have a mounded cart. Its a big pain if you jump into line just because you think you qualify doesn't mean you should be there. If you jump into line and see me, you better have a damn good reason and a damn good attitude. I've had people lately who think they are entitled to being in that lane just because they have been there before and this time, they have a full cart. They just want their damn groceries bagged. Just because I do it, doesn't mean you get to abuse it. Sometimes, if its dead, I'll let you come through, but most of the time I'll try to let you know you have too much.
Basically it comes down to: 1. don't abuse the express lane. Seriously, its just stupid. 2. have a good attitude and sense of humor. If you are being mean or stupid in line, you will get the same attitude back. I say hi, you better say hi back. 3. don't bitch about how your groceries are being bagged. you don't like it, walk your happy little ass over and bag it yourself. Me bagging your groceries is a PRIVLEDGE! Not a right!
Can you tell its been a VERY bad day?

Guess what, Daddy!

So, we told my dad about us being pg and wow. That was the most disappointing person to tell. I would have thought he would be happy that I'm happy. But he gave me the same look you give your 15 year old daughter when she tells you she's pg. He gave me this look of "Here we go again" and quickly changed the subject after saying "Now stop your god damn stressing so that you don't lose this one too". My little brother on the other hand, was so excited to hear he's going to be an uncle that he was jumping up and down and screaming "WAHOO!!" My dad wanted to show off his newest ideas for flooring and all that so we walked around the dining room (as best you can around all the shit he's got every where) and tried to keep our interest in showing us that. I was too distracted by the smell of dog piss and the sight of at least 300 Navy emblems, planes, models, plaques, and the likes. He's seriously gone off his rocker. All he can talk about anymore is "had I known your mom was going to pull the shit she pulled when I got home after my time was up, I would have gotten back on that plane and re-enlisted. I kick myself all the time for not going back." Am I the only one who gets the vibe of *someone* wrecked his life? He constantly tells me "you are the only reason I stayed out of the Navy" "you are the reason I didn't die in that crash when you were 18 mos old" "you are the reason I stick around anywhere for long". WOW. Great way to make your oldest feel like the biggest mistake of your life. I had to tell my mom "I think Daddy's lost his mind" and she actually told me "Meg, I've been thinking that for 20 years. He's always been obsessed with the Navy. He was only in for a few years. He made his choice and telling you he made the wrong choice is him living in the past. He's going to lose out on a lot by living in the past like that." That's what has helped me decide what I want to say to him and Grandma Judy.
But on the more positive side, we have another pregnancy in the family now! Adam's aunt Melissa! She's the one who had the dream that we were pg together. She's about 4-5 weeks. I'm so excited and praying my ass off. I want someone to be big, hot, and tired with. I'm also starting to feel a lot better when I feel good. We have found some trails and local parks we can go for walks in. Feels good to get out and move!

How big is baby?

Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!
By now, your baby is being nourished through the placenta, a flat, spongy organ covered with wavy masses of capillary-filled tissue called chorionic villi. Nutrients pass through this tissue to the embryo, while wastes are carried away. The placenta and chorionic villi are made up of the same genetic material as the baby, and can offer important information about birth defects such as Down syndrome, Tay-Sachs disease, and cystic fibrosis.

Our first dr appointment!

It went well! I have to admit I was beyond nervous/scared/freaking out/happy and everything else in between. I was so scared that we would get sent home with an appointment for a d&c or something. But, we got to the dr's like 45 minutes early. I got in and found out I haven't gained anything yet. Could have dropped a pound or two since I was last weighed there. MIL's scale said I was 190-some after we told them a month ago, but that could have been off. Hard to know. The nurse sat us down and started telling us what to expect from this appointment and the next one. I was EXCITED to hear we would get an u/s. Internal, but its still a freaking u/s. When the dr came in, she did the pelvic exam and freaked me out like you wouldn't believe. she looks and says "Oh My God." I'm thinking, is the baby ok? is my cervix open? am I m/cing again? But she looks at the nurse and says "That's a big uterus for 8 weeks!" THANK GOD! LOL
She gave us a few photos (1 is 2-d and 2 are 3-d) and showed us what is what on each. Then we heard that amazing little heart beat. 169 bpm! Such a precious sound! The more she poked around trying to get different angles of the baby, the more she poked my bladder into needing to pee and the baby was starting to bounce around and try to cover its eye spots. She then measured the baby and we are actually measuring a week ahead! She changed my edd, but until we see any other proof, I'm keeping myself on the 28th instead of the 22nd for now.
She said she won't do another u/s until 20w, but we'll see if she changes her mind at all. Adam REALLY liked both the nurse and the dr. The only downer part of the whole appointment was when I went to get my blood drawn. The nurse asked if it was our first and how long we had been trying. I told her 14 long months. She looked at me and said "my husband and I have been trying for 5 years." Before leaving, I told her, "I want to hear you are in my position next time I need to see you again!" she smiled and we went about our ways.
Reading the book they gave us (more like a parenting manual for new parents), I saw that our hospital doesn't do epis very often. only in special cases. I have to find another pain med! LOL
We also got to surprise MIL with photos. Adam made sure not to tell her that we got photos so she would be happy shocked when we gave her a copy of them. She smacked Adam when she saw we had those for her. then she stared at them for the next hour! Even FIL was beaming looking at them! So next time we are at their house, MIL wants to borrow her sister's doppler to hear the hb. I've gotta say, I'm interested in hearing it again too!
Before the appointment, anyone who knew all thought "its a girl" and I was the only one thinking boy. Well, after they see the photos, they are starting to change their tune a bit. One even said "I thought girl before but there's a boy vibe coming from the photo. I'm willing to bet you are right" I couldn't believe how many people (EVEN OTHER MOMS!) didn't know you can't really tell sex at 8 weeks! I had to tell them "They don't even try to tell for sure until about 14-20 weeks. I'm not there yet!" Was pretty annoying.
Other than that, I'm just looking forward to garage sales and growing a belly!

How big is baby?

Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.
Go, baby, go! Your talented child has doubled in size in the past two weeks, and is now approximately three-quarters of an inch long. Body parts that formed in the first few weeks are growing more complex and specialized, including the eyes, limbs, mouth, heart, and brain. Fingers and toes are taking shape, along with the palate and pituitary gland. The eyelids are also forming--until they're complete, the eyes appear open.

WOW. What a week to blow off

So, this week has been a week from hell. My birthday was the worst I've EVER had. Drama, bullshit, feeling sick, can't eat anything, and SERIOUS emotional moments. Poor Adam. I had to keep reassuring him that NONE of it was his fault. Poor guy was doing all he could to keep my mind off all the shit that was upsetting me. Cause really, WHO should be crying for hours on their birthday? I really don't want to go into the details of that day ANY more. I just want to forget it and move along.
In other news, today was a great day. We went to the ILs for Easter. Didn't need to worry about the cat or anything so that was WONDERFUL! When we got there, I was able to eat a little and take a nap. When company starts coming over, they were picking on me (and Adam) for always napping when we are down for the weekend. We hid eggs for the only little one there was and that was so cute because all we needed to do was tell her "Lets go look at Uncle Scott's pretty truck" and she found all the eggs around it. Too cute when she would pick it up, shake it scream "More coins!" and ask where the next was. After dinner, we were all gathered in the spare living room and BSing. ILs, Adam, and I were all looking at each other as if to ask "Should we tell everyone? no one will be able to come together like this for a little while..." so Adam and I gave the go-ahead to MIL. She told FIL "Tell Grandpa". Well, this trips a few triggers as to *something* is going on. So FIL says "Dad!, Guess what? You are going to be a Great Grandpa again!". The look on his face went from WTF, to Well who could it be, to pointing his finger at us and saying "You two?". Imagine how HARD it was to not break out into tears and scream YES! His face lit up like a christmas tree. Then we hear Jeff and his girlfriend in the corner asking "What just happened?" So FIL tells them and they are all "Really? WOW! Congrats!" off in their own little world again. So cute!
So of course everyone is making sure I'm not over exerting myself and all that fun jazz. Not something I'm used to at all! We then called the other side of the family (MIL's side) and told them. Now, there was only a set of grandparents there and an aunt and uncle with their kid. Granny was EXCITED and said "Melissa, guess what?" and Adam and I hear "I KNEW IT! They were pregnant all along weren't they?" Well, The night after telling ILs, Melissa (MIL's sister) called MIL and asked "Are Megan and Adam pg? I had a dream last night we were pg together" and MIL had to say not that I know of. Melissa is the aunt who was trying to get pg for 5 years, was told her one pregnancy was a m/c and thank dear Lord above, the baby didn't m/c. Their daughter is 2 now and they are trying for #2 right now. So cute! So now we have to have dreams that she's pg too so that I have someone to talk babies with for all this. Praying it happens quickly for her this time. Well, we get off the phone with that side and MIL calls her other sister (the one who just became a grandma in march) and told her. She also said "I had a feeling she was pg!" No sooner do we get off the phone with them, FIL says "Call Great Granny and tell her" (Granny's mom). Well, MIL calls and we find out the good news already made it that far! It was so funny. You can tell everyone is really excited for this baby, being its planned and we've had a loss.
I'm pretty excited to see how many people call us in the coming weeks with hearing the news. Still trying to keep it under wraps until at least the appointment on the 20th. Hopefully we can keep it quiet until at least mother's day before saying it to the whole world!
Other than that, its been pretty normal around here. Starting to get used to having to eat before getting in the shower and feeling better all around. Mom also thinks its a Girl cause I'm carrying low and am so bloated that I don't fit into my old pants at all. I'm the only one thinking Boy, but we shall see in a few weeks.

How big is baby?

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.
Although she still resembles a tiny alien, your baby's facial features are starting to form. Arms, legs, hands, and feet are taking shape, although they don't yet have fingers and toes. The brain is growing more complex; if you looked through a microscope, it would be clearly visible through the transparent skull. The embryo has started to move in small jerks, although you won't feel these until the fourth month.
Remember a few weeks ago, when you weren't sure if you were pregnant? The symptoms are coming thick and fast now! Nausea, exhaustion, food cravings, mood swings, chronic urination--you may experience all of these, or just a few. Worst of all, unlike in later months when your expanding belly announces your pregnancy to the world, no one is going to offer you a seat on the bus or smile indulgently when you nap through a meeting. Be sure to do special things for yourself now, whether it's hiring a sitter to watch your other children so you can nap, or splurging on a day of beauty at a local spa.

How big is baby?

Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.
A wonderful new sound enters the world this week: your baby's heartbeat. Although still too faint to be picked up by a doctor's stethoscope, it's visible in a sonogram as a tiny, pulsing dot in the middle of your still-transparent embryo's body. From now until birth, it will beat approximately 150 times a minute, twice the average adult heart rate. The rest of the embryo is working hard, too--it will triple in size this week, to about a quarter of an inch long.

There's good news and bad news this week. The good news is that your body is pumping increased amounts of progesterone. This hormone is responsible for inhibiting contractions and building the blood vessels in the uterine wall, creating a safe "nest" where your baby can grow. The bad news is that progesterone slows down the digestive process, causing nausea in as many as two-thirds of pregnant women.

Also known as morning sickness, pregnancy-related nausea can strike at any time of the day or night. When it hits, you may feel slightly queasy, downright miserable, or anywhere in between. Most women find that it lets up by the end of the first trimester, but a few spend their entire pregnancy clutching airsickness bags. If you're starting to feel the pangs, take comfort in the fact that morning sickness has been associated with a lower miscarriage rate.

How sweet it is

So, today I told my mom's parents. It was so cute because I asked my "Poppy" if "Grammy" was around and he said yes and handed her the phone and walked out of the room. I had to wait about 5 mins before she went to tell him that I had something I wanted to tell both of them together. When I told them they were talking over each other super excited and asking all sorts of questions "How far along?" "When are you due?" "When did you find out?" "How are you feeling?" and the works. It was so cute. They are so old fashioned so I had to explain how I knew something was different and how I found out so soon (hard to believe its been almost 2 weeks since we found out!). I am praying I'm as blessed as they both were (never sick, didn't get very big, lost all the weight and a little more very quickly) but have a sinking feeling I'm the odd ball. Always have been. But that's not all the good news in our family right now.
If anyone knows me or my mother's trials from the past 4 years, they would know that my mom has been fighting my little sister's father for custody and to get many of her things back. Well, my mom went to drop off my little sister for his visitation and he wasn't there. We are talking about a real con man so they hung around for a while. Still nothing. Call his job, they say he gave notice he's leaving and probably not coming back. The fucker is GONE! We know that there has to be something behind it so we aren't too optimistic about him being gone for good, but we are enjoying the peace left behind. He had just gotten his ass handed to him big time by a very smart judge and she wasn't letting him get away with anything. She had just taken away his overnights with my sister along with figuring out what money he has to pay taxes and to pay my mom back. He's royally screwed. My sister couldn't be happier along with the rest of the family. We just pray he's gone for good (don't care how, when or where) and my mom gets what's rightfully hers. Not much good news, but in the battle she's been fighting for most of my sister's life, its a huge victory.

Closing in on 5 weeks

and so far, I'm feeling pretty good all things considered. My boobs hurt like someone is beating the hell out of them, I'm bloated, and fighting fatigue and the urge to hurl my guts into the Big John. I need naps all the time. I really can't wait until I get some energy back. I know I should be nesting (and the urge to is SO strong) but I just can't get my butt up to do it. Thank God I have 35 weeks to do it!
Seems there is a mini baby boom on GP. Wouldn't be so bad but 2 of the newest ladies REALLY piss me off. Both are attention whores to the highest. I mean, come on, you can only turn a post about anything into a post about yourself so many times. And telling people they should have sympathy for you? Gag me. Really. I want to throw up on that. I know that as soon as they get more active on there I will be wanting to poke my eyes out with cattle prods.
But its been a week since we found out. Adam is still floating around and making sure I'm not working myself too much or stressing, eating enough, sleeping enough, taking my vitamins, the works. Its really cute to see him so doting. I only hope he doesn't get overbearing. I just might have to lay down the law. Still plotting revenge for the nipple poke. That shit hurts!

How big is baby?

Already a busy little bee, your developing embryo now has three layers. The outer layer, or ectoderm, will develop into the nervous system, while the endoderm, or inner layer, will become the liver, pancreas, intestines, and bladder. This week, the mesoderm, or middle layer, is developing into the heart and circulatory system, which will be the first organs to function. In the weeks to come, the mesoderm will also form the bones, muscles, kidneys and reproductive organs.
Hold onto your--breasts! If they don't feel sore yet, chances are they will in another few days. For many women, breast tenderness is the first physical sign of pregnancy. Other symptoms include fatigue, nausea, bloating, and, less commonly at this stage, a craving for foods containing salt, iron, or vitamin C.

How big is baby?

Week 4

Baby's Length: <.25 in.

Baby's Weight: <.25 oz.

Baby's Size: Poppy seed

It's official, and now you want to tell the world! Many expectant parents inform friends and family right away, but others keep the news to themselves for the first few months (when most miscarriages occur). If you work, you might want to delay telling colleagues until you're ready to negotiate maternity leave. You may also want to wait before breaking the news to other children, who may have mixed feelings about the arrival of a new sibling.

OHMYDEARGOD

There can't be two lines. But there is. And the digital can't lie, can it? It says the word I've been looking for for 14 long hard months. "Pregnant". OMGOMGOMG a baby.
Ok, so that is what was going through my mind on friday (but the digital is from today, I'll explain later) and I have been trying to keep my feet on the ground since. Now when I say two lines, I mean two lines. No "I *think* I see a line". No. There is no denying when the test line is darker than the control line. I took one before H got home and about fainted with how fast those lines popped up. I'm talking MAYBE a full minute before I knew. I put the cup (yea yea I peed in a cup) in the closet so that we could test it a few more times if he wanted. I also hid the test and jumped into the shower.
H got home and was like "ok, get to work and I'll be right in." So I went in, pulled out the cup and dipped one test and called him in. He stood over it until he saw the line. Then asks "so which line is the test line?" Then he asks "Have any more?" So he lets me dip another stick and watches that one. After he saw that there were undeniable tests right in front of him, he jumps over to me and gives me the biggest hug ever. I started bawling.
So, then last night, I can't stay away from the baby topic and just said "Mom, I can't keep my friggin mouth shut so here goes. I'm pregnant" and my mom about crapped her pants and got all happy and giddy! She was laughing and cheering me on for all the details possible. I told her to clear her schedule for Thanksgiving so she can make it up here for the birth so we'll see!
Then, today FIL was still gone on his fishing trip and so MIL, Grandpa Flo, H and I all go to church. Dear Lord above it was HOT in there. I about lost the little meal I had in me. I didn't go up for a blessing (I'm not catholic and can't take their communion) because my knees were weak. H ended up staying behind too. I had to really fight to keep my mouth shut because afterwards, because we had other company and I had to wait for them to leave. Finally they did and H was like "Should we tell them now?" "Well, I got some digitals for super cheap, I could pee on one and we just set it on the counter..." "Ok, go get one, sneak into the bathroom and take it."
So I go and do my part and read the instructions (so much easier than a regular line test!) and finish my business. Before I was done peeing, the result popped up (it said it would take upto 3 mins! that was maybe 1!). Pregnant. H then calls "I need to pee so hurry up!" without thinking I say "there's another bathroom!" then it clicks in my brain. DUH! he wants to see it before we set it out! So I hurry up and then hide the test in case he did go to the other one. he did but he made it quick, went into the bathroom I came out of, grabbed it, looked at it, then followed me the 10 feet into the kitchen. I walked in and stood across from MIL and jumped into the conversation. Huge smiles on our faces, H puts it down and walks away. MIL looks over (cause I can't stop looking at it) with a look that says "WTF? What is that?" and FIL is asking MIL about something. Finally she can't stand it anymore and jumps up to see what it is. FIL bellows "TAMMIE! Answer me!" She hollars back "Shut up, Scott! Their PREGNANT!" OMG the looks on their faces! I think the test laid on the counter a full 90 seconds before it got to her. They are so over the moon but understand no one else can know just yet. SO exciting!
So, that's all that's been going on so far. 4w2d now. November 28th for a due date. WOW. its all so real!

WOW. That's all I can say

Its been a little bit of chaos going on since the last time I did anything here. Sam miscarried...found out her baby stopped growing at 6 weeks...she was supposed to be 9. Basically it was a blighted ovum. Stupid drs didn't even do a D&C for the poor girl. Luckily enough she's thinking about trying again in a few months after re-revaluating some stuff in their lives. I have to hand it to her, that takes some strength when you are that far along and aren't married or anything like that. Strangely its brought us closer.
As for the others who thought they were, I convinced them to keep peeing on sticks until they either get a + or their period. I swear one of them (Randi) peed on a hundred dollars in EPTs and FRERs before she stopped and realized that all those tests can't really be wrong. MY GOD! I dunno where she learned about sex ed but that teacher needs to get egged off stage.
Personally, I've had so much happen its not even funny. I've had a family member die, gone to 2 funerals in less than a week's time, dealt with yet more family drama, found out my cousin tried to kill herself by OD'ing on pain meds, found out more people who are unmarried are pg, and had to deal with so many other personal things. I ended up not going in for my 7dpo blood test because it was on saturday (again...thank you body) and I am so sick of going and having to wait almost 3 weeks for my results. That's right, 3 WEEKS to find out that all the results came back "Normal". Thanks for letting me sit in limbo for so long! I'm not going to waste more money for you to wait another 3 weeks! I'd rather spend that money on my eyes or teeth ffs.
Not to mention I've come to see who is really a friend and who was just faking it. Pretty apparent when all that is going down is happening and all they want to do is nothing. That's ok though, at least those who are real and true have stuck by me like glue, and I thank those ladies from the bottom of my heart. You ladies are AWESOME.
So, the family drama...never ending. I basically got a letter from my dad literally days before my husband is going to put his great aunt in the ground. The premise of this letter? JEALOUSY. My dad is SO jealous of my mom and the relationship we have. He got upset that I called my mom and grammy (and step father) my heroes on my myspace. We are talking about 2 women who had to deal with one of the most DEVISTATING losses you can have and have picked themselves up and carried on. Grammy lost her SON. My mom's older brother. My dad's best friend. My step father has basically adopted my little sister when her own father was using her as a tool to destroy my mom. Not to mention how he has had this DEEPLY seated love for my mom for TWELVE YEARS. And my dad hadn't checked my myspace recently or he would have seen I added him too. Too bad he keeps trashing that relationship. What father makes his daughter pay for EVERYTHING during her junior and senior years in high school AND the electric and water and gas and trash and internet and phone and gas for the truck and his money for going on dates and groceries and repairs needed on the house. No wonder I'm STILL hurting from this shit 7 and 8 years later. And that doesn't even touch the shit he put me through when I was a little girl. Promising he was going to come and pick me up for the weekend. I would go out to dinner with my mom and then step dad on friday and come home dreading seeing if there was a missed call on the caller id. Mom would always run to the bedroom to listen to the message before so she could prep me and be there when I heard him talking about how he couldn't make it because he had another date. I met MANY of my dad's first dates. I played with MANY kids just one time. Many of those women beat the piss out of me if he was with them longer than a month. I was lucky if I saw him more than once every other month. And he wonders why I have issues trusting him? He once walked out on a girlfriend when I was like 4 telling her "I'm fucking out of here. I can't stand you anymore. Just remember to return Megan on sunday". He WALKS OUT and leaves ME there with this psycho who then starts to beat the shit out of me! I locked myself in a bedroom to get away and later on that night he cooled off and came back and said sorry. Nice. WAY TO BE, Father figure.
On top of it all, my dad is jealous of my in laws. MY IN LAWS. A woman who was there when my dad called my mom to come get me and take me back to Colorado. A man who helped me get my first, second, and third car. I may not see eye to eye with them (at all at times) but COME ON. My dad actually told me that I should tell my MIL that Adam and I aren't going to have kids until we are 30 just because she is pushing us to have kids. Like Adam and I aren't smart enough to have our own original thoughts. We must be total idiots to think we can live without them anywhere near by because we can't function without them. I guess he must be right. I mean, I'm so fucking dependent on my dad. He needs me to cosign a new business venture, to baby sit my brother, cosign a new vehicle, give him money, buy gifts for my brother, showing gramma I'm not a total failure, prove that daddy isn't a total failure (his own mother thought an abusive mother fucking SOB was a better father than my own dad) and that's only scratching the surface. Evidently my whole family likes to discuss the only grand child who didn't get herself knocked up out of wed lock and end up with some other dude. My own grand mother (dad's mom) said that I would end up 16, pregnant, married and divorced by 18, and fat and ugly for the rest of my life. Thanks for the support. Everytime she sees me, first thing she says "I'm surprised you aren't fatter". LOVE the family.
So when people jumped on my case around V-day when I was dealing with family issues on BOTH sides, anyone who still has issues can fuck off. I've got enough I'm dealing with.
I know its old news by now, but guess what, 24 year old issues don't go away that easily when its thrown in your face regularly.

When the shit hits the fan

It really sprays. So this week has been the week from hell. I was so happy after my appointment on Monday that I floated into work. I'm not even there but a few hours and the night manager tells me "Sam is pg. and there are at least 2 others who probably are and don't want to be." Lovely. Sam is a 20 y/o stuck up snot, still in college, just went off bc like not even 3 weeks ago, no plans to get married, NOTHING. Seriously this chick won't be a good mom at all. I say this because she's not a baby person. and she's seriously high school mature. I don't know for sure who the other two are, but I have a damn good idea. and neither one is in a good place right now for babies. That makes HOW MANY out of like 20 cashiers I have to deal with daily. Not to mention my ally in ttc is gone (I think her dad died but all anyone can focus on is her not coming into work. Never mind her poor dad) and there is another chick at work who will be starting ttc towards the end of the year. She comes to tell me that she is convinced she had a m/c or has endo. All because of some black AF blood or whatever. so she comes to me. I gave her my tcoyf to read. She didn't m/c ffs. She just needs to get her ass into a dr and get checked out. Her cycles are more messed up than mine!
Today really blew. I woke up, took my temp and while waiting for it to tell me my result, I told myself "If my temp shoots back up, I'm testing today incase yesterday was a fluke temp due to me being up so late". 97.0. Great. I got up and fed the cat only to look down and see that at 6 am, AF had made a STRONG appearance. Fucking whore. You would swear with the cramps and volume of blood that I had taken asprin the whole cycle, but I didn't. add that on top of MIL wanting to go to the water park and all. Yea I don't think so. I found out that H's cousin (the annoying one who is bragging about becoming an aunt) will be there. I'd kick her ass into the pool and drown her if I were there. Good call on staying home. Now I get to deal with the after math (MIL likes making me the villian when we don't do something they want us to). I just want ONE FUCKING DAY! without hearing all about babies.
And I really am tired of people coming up and asking me if its possible to get pg this way or that. Umm yea...anything is possible. You should look at how PROBABLE it is though. and who said I wanted to be the fertility guru at work? just because I want a baby doesn't mean I want to talk about them all the time. I don't even get any slack on cd1!
I had to call the medical center to set up my cd3 testing (glucose, cholesterol, hormones, etc) and come to find out it wasn't approved like it should be. I have to have 2 drs sign off on it to make sure that the lab work gets done. Like its MY fault AF showed up when she did. I'm sorry my cycle inconveinces you. I'll let my ute know that its be a pain in your ass as well. Idiots. Like I want to wait another 53 days to try this testing again. I guess I'm a fucking idiot for wanting to do this now rather than waiting another cycle.
I just need a good stiff drink and a heating pad. Tonight, I toast cycle 11. May the fucking torture end soon.

My dr visit

Ok, so I will start off admitting I was freaking about nothing. I was so nervous not knowing what she would say. So, I go in and find out I lost 3 lbs since the 14th (YAY!!) and she said "lose about 10 % of your body weight and that should help with your Oing issues a lot. looks like you have put on a lot of weight since you were here a while ago. and then we need to get YH tested and make sure that he's not part of the IF issue. Its clinic policy for us to test the man before we do anything invasive (lap, hsg, etc) just because they can count for 20-40% of IF couples. So if we could get him tested in the next 3 months, that would be great. I don't think you need the OPKs anymore since you know when you should be Oing. Unless you really want to of course. and when this cycle ends in about 2-4 days, I want you to call and set up an appointment to come in cd 3 and do the glucose, cholesterol, lh, and the works. then come back in a week after you O and will will test you again and incluse progesterone. you will want OPKs for that cycle since it will probably be messed up. My goal is to make sure you are pg by summer so you can show off a little belly and then when october comes, you can paint it orange and make a pumpkin out of it. I'm not willing to stop helping you until you and Adam are ready to stop. You have your age and general health working for you and since its no hurry, we can take everything at your speed. If you were 35, we would be working all our magic all at once."
She also told me about a nurse's sister who was 35 when she got pg with her first through IVF. A few years later she was ready for #2 so they tried again and had to turn to IVF again and got twins. Then, her 6 month post partum (because she opted out of bc) they told her she was pg with another. So now she's preping for baby 4 at 41. so she's like "I'm going to mark on your chart here that you said today if only it were as easy as those who say OOPs I'm pg again...remind you after you get this first one out of the way so that you don't come back with an oops". I can't say enough good about this woman. and while my insurance covers diagnosis of any IF issue and the procedure to fix it, it doesn't cover IF meds (which she wants to stay away from as much as possible) or any IUI, IVF, or anything like that.
I'm so excited. I left floating on a cloud. I pray all ladies get a dr like this woman. She didn't try to discount anything that tcoyf, ovusoft, or any of that said. the only thing she had to offer as advice is not having sex daily since we don't know if there are swimmer issues. and she said also to try the days after O just to make sure. She was just so excited and upbeat about it.
Now to find H insurance for him to get tested...

Don'tcha just love inlaws?

I swear to you, the following is a recount of my sunday at the Inlaws. Enjoy this lovely little peach.
*Megan and Adam enter IL house, take off shoes, and welcome hugs ensue, then M & A enter kitchen*
MIL: I need your address for the shower invites. I don't know where the last piece of paper went that had your info on it. You two NEED to go. Or at least send a damn gift.
FIL: Adam, what the fuck is your issue? Are you never happy anymore?
A: Just shut up and leave it alone
FIL: Grow the fuck up. Just say what is so wrong about what your mother said.
A: Its KIND OF a REALLY sore subject for fuck sake.
FIL: Its not the baby's damn fault you lost yours. Grow the fuck up and get over it. You should be supporting your cousin, not resenting him. Its not like they did it on purpose. And besides, it happened a long time ago. Get over it and grow up. You going to carry this chip on your shoulder your whole life now?
A: Just Shut the fuck up. I told you to shut up and leave it alone and you just HAD to push it. Just shut up. Leave it be already
FIL: So you are going to blame everyone else for what happened? Its obvious you are trying too hard and forcing it to happen. It just wasn't meant to be.
A: Just shut your face.
*M gives address while A walks out of the room. Tears are being held back. After M is done giving the address, MIL goes to the other room with A. M soon follows*
A: Why does it always have to be this way? we are in the god damn door 5 mins and get yelled at. And I told him to just shut up. Why does everyone have to throw in their 2 cents?
MIL: I know, but you know how your dad gets
A: Well guess what? M and I are going home. Its just too much to deal with this every time we come down
MIL: Don't be stupid. Just go do what you were going to do before that happened
*MIL walks out of the room and M and A comfort each other and cry*

not even kidding. it was just so hard to keep myself from reaching across the kitchen and slapping my FIL. They just don't get it. Did I mention they were pretty much top-of-your-lungs yelling at each other?
I also talked to my mom and found out I inherited her fertility. I know, I know. Its not really possible, but thing is, my mom hasn't had a stable and consistant cycle since she was on the pill. When I was in grade school they actually put her on the pill to get it regulated out. I also asked how long it took to concieve me. She said it was about 2 years because she was lucky to get a period every other month. Sound familiar? explains a lot though. She is still dealing with this, but at least now she knows what to expect and she's making sure she doesn't have any more kids (using protection or is back on the pill, I'm assuming). All this time I also thought my mom was telling me the whole "relax..." speel. I've come to figure out that she's actually telling me she can relate. She asked me to call after my drs appointment and everything. When I told her what had gone on in the office, she was supportive and gave me questions to ask and the likes. It feels SO GOOD to have another family member in our corner. She may not be close in distance, but she's close in other ways. Its been so helpful.
So, with the drs appointment, it was with a physician's assistant. Basically the same as a dr, but one step down. Not really sure what the difference is but ok.
So, this lady has 4 kids of her own. I'm thinking she had no issues because she was telling me how I was so late (cd 32, yet to O) and it would show on a test so she was going to make sure I took one (a pg test). Well, she also tested for stds and any infections and the likes because she can't really do anything else but she gave me names of other people to talk to. she did the tests and when she had me go PIAC for the test, I quick stole a specimen bag and used it to hold my OPK after I dipped it. Both came back BFN. Get back into the room and she says "I really wish I could tell you that you are pg, but I can't. You have a slight overgrowth of bacteria (lovely) but you aren't pg and aren't close to bleeding. I don't get it" I told her "Yea, I know. Because I chart all this out and I know I should be Oing soon. I'm not even LATE yet." "Oh. So you are one of THOSE people. I see now. Well, have you ever thought of doing anything to get yourself back on a 28 day cycle?" "like what? the pill? No. I've NEVER been 28 days except when I was on the pill. I'm never going back to that" "well then you should talk to one of the OBs to see what they can figure out for you."
Stupid dr. I told her no less than 4 times that I have long cycle and was actually gearing up to O. Next time she prescribes that stupid gel to me though, I'm going to tell her to shove that shit up her va-jay-jay and walk around with it for five days.
Now I remember why I loved Dr. Leland.

Lately

So, lately in my life, I've been thinking a lot. And I've come to find a few things out about myself. I really don't like my family anymore, and I hate my in laws. They look for things about me, my family, and my ideas that they don't like. They will interrupt me talking to Adam and not even think twice about it. They get the cat all riled up and bitch about how mean she is to them and how nice she is to me. Yea. That's because I try to be nice to her at least 75% of the time. If I'm mean to her, its because its after she's done something bad. Plus I'm her Momma. I'm her safe haven away from them. My father in law will literally torture my cat all day. I've told Adam how much it bugs me because it only makes her more mean and he does nothing. I make a comment to them about how if they were nicer to her she would come around and be nicer to them. They laugh at me. LAUGH AT ME. Yea, that's making me feel great. If I ever want to talk to them about anything, they will change the subject on me because they don't want to talk about it. Like the miscarriage. They don't like to talk about it but I want to know what they feel about it. But no one wants to say anything.
I've also realized I really, REALLY hate whiners. I'm beyond sick and tired of people whining about this and that. Especially if they have something I want. I'm on the verge of just letting all my emotions out when the subject arises and letting them know JUST how I feel and their feelings be damned. They don't take the time to think about my feelings, so why should I return that favor?
And coming up on a year of trying to get pregnant, its torture to hear about anyone else getting pregnant. I mean, congrats to them, but really, its hard. I'm not even going to turn it into a pissing contest and say its because I've been trying longer or I've been pregnant before and I deserve it for this and that. Its just hard to listen to so many others get pregnant and leave me behind. Its almost like they just don't want to be around me anymore because I'm not growing another human being. Like I'm bad luck and should be avoided at all costs. Now if only they would realize this.
Hard to digest? yes. But God damn it, it needs to be said. I'm sick and tired of holding all this shit in. If you don't like it, don't read it.

A few things

Taking a page out of Danni's book, I've decided to share a few things about me. You may know some and you may wish you hadn't found out others.

• I have a really hard time moving on after someone wrongs me or a family member. I just can't get past it without an apology and some time.
• I HATE being cold. I'd rather be sweating than freezing. I have 6 blankets on my bed.
• I only sleep in my undies. I don't like feeling confined while sleeping.
• I don't wear g strings to bed and I don't wear granny panties out of the house.
• I hate cleaning, but once I start, I can't stop until its spotless.
• I love brussel sprouts. Always have.
• I fake orgasms. A lot.
  
• My phone is always on me, but I ignore a lot of calls on purpose.
• I can find anything monkey anywhere. And I ask H to buy it for me too for my birthday/christmas/anniversary/ valentines day/whatever.
• I won't talk shit behind your back, but if you ask what I think about something, you better be prepared for me to give you the God honest truth.
• I'm SUPER loyal, but wrong me once, I'll never trust you fully again. Ever.
• I love to flirt. I won't act on it, but I like the attention.
• I will go out of my way to prove I'm right if I know I'm right. If I'm wrong, I will try to apologize.
• I don't care if you like me or not as long as I know it. I HATE fake people.
• I'll give until it hurts, but I expect the same in return.
• People piss me off. I like watching them but HATE dealing with them. And I work at the Customer Service Counter.
• I WILL notice when something isn't perfect. I might not say anything about it, but it will bother me. Don't worry, I don't mess with your bathroom though.
• I've wanted kids since I was 17 and met Adam. The only thing that made us be safe was proving it to my Grandma. And I showed her.
• I hate paying full price for anything. I love consignment shops and the dollar stores.
• I love cooking and baking, but not every night. Just try to make me.
• I drive fast and always in the fast lane, but don't tap your brakes on me. It only makes me ride your ass more. But, I will slam my brakes on someone behind me.
• Don't tell me what to do. Especially if you are telling me to chill or relax. It will only piss me off more.
• I NEVER back down from a fight. NEVER.
• I swear like a truck driving sailor. Deal with it.
• I hate it when skinny bitches whine about being so skinny. Eat a fucking and STFU.
• My mother in law is the devil. She will go out of her way to find things wrong with me, my family, or what I say or do. And if I'm ever presented with the chance, I will make her eat her words. And I hope she chokes on them.
• I love my dad to death, but he's dumber than a box of rocks. The guy has screwed up the best of relationships all on his own. No one has ever needed to help him.
• I miss the newness of new relationships. That "butterflies-in-the-belly-OMG-what-am-I-going-to-wear-and-will-he-like-it" feeling
• I like oral sex more than anything else. Yes, both giving and receiving.
• I'm willing to be DD. I'd rather drink at home.
• I don't like groups of strange guys and if Adam isn't around, but his friends are, I'll cling to them to keep me safe.
• I wish nothing but the worst for my ex's. Especially the ones from here in Minnesota. I wish them Herpes and loss of sex drive.
• As much as my husband and I fight, I love the hell out of him. I will never leave no matter how many times I threaten it. And he knows this.
• The only thing I want to be in this whole world besides a wife, is a mom. I don't like working for a boss.
• and finally, I never give up. My goals are are my goals for life.