Ok, since Adam has been pushing my buttons lately I figure I better blog it out before I kill him. He was talking last night about people who have survived against the odds. The first story he told was an Ok one that I never really asked to hear. The second he kept going into detail to such an extent that it really ground into my last nerve. It was about a mother who was at home late at night with her child, sleeping on the couch, waiting for her husband to come home. She is woke up by a large weight pushing down on her. She wakes up thinking it's her husband playing around only to find out its an intruder. She sends her kid upstairs and tells him to stay there until she comes and gets him. Then the intruder begins to rape and torture her. Stuffs her into a car, pawns her ring, brags about having her in the trunk, and rapes her several more times for many many hours. Why does this hit a nerve so hard? Let me tell you.
When I was 19 and living on my own, I went out to a party with a co worker. we went to a street dance and then back to the party. Adam and I were on a relationship break but had made the choice that night to get back together. When my co worker came to drop me off at my place, we were stopped by some guys coming out of the building I lived in. They started talking and basically followed me up to my apartment. I thought they looked nice enough and ignored my woman's basic instinct. My co worker said she would be coming back in a little bit. I went down to their apartment and hung out there for a little while until I got really tired and told them I was going to go back up to my place and go to bed. One of them (the youngest) followed me and told me he wanted to walk me up because he wanted to make sure I got home safe. (for hell's bells sake it was up 2 ramps and down 2 doors! I said ok and we talked. He followed me in and said he would leave in a little bit. He started talking about how he knew all the people that I knew because of Adam and that he was so much better than they all were. Then he tells me he wants to pop in a movie and watch it for a little bit. I looke at the clock and it said about 3 or 3:30 am. I said ok but he would have to leave very soon. He pulls a blanket over us and we watch the movie. Not even 15 mins in, he starts trying to put the moves on me. Trying to kiss me and pull off my pants. I said no, I'm not that kind of girl. He stops. About 5 mins later he tries again but when I say stop again, he takes a little longer to stop. About 5 mins after that, he tries again but doesn't listen. He yanks off my pants and starts to do what he wants. I keep saying no, but he won't stop. I tell him that he has to use a condom because I can't get pregnant. He goes into my bedroom and comes back out with one, and goes back to what he was doing. He then took me into my bedroom and keeps going. Over and over again. I just go numb and to a place where it doesn't hurt anymore. Finally he stops and says he needs to leave. I got up and went to my cell phone. It was almost 7 am. I sent a text message to Adam (who was working security at his college) and tell him that I will see him in the morning bright and early because I had something to tell him. Then, this guy decides to play the nice card and gives me a hug and tells me he's there for me if I ever need to talk. I closed the door and called Adam to tell him what had just happened. This is where my mind messed up. By me going to my safe place, I had blocked out that I had said no many times. I told Adam that I couldn't say it on the phone just then, but that it involved another man. He flipped out and told me that we would talk when I got down there. In the morning I woke up very tired and super sore. I still didn't have a full memory of what had happened. When I got there, Adam had written down a list of questions for me. About 5 minutes into him reaming me over the coals, my memory came flooding back. I started to cry. He asked what the hell I had to cry about. I told him in the most scared tone ever "I told him NO! I told him to stop! He didn't listen to me!" He stopped yelling at me and took a minute to soak this in. He then jumped up and started to try and comfort me. I didn't fight because this guy was much bigger and stronger than me. It wouldn't have done anything to help me because he was drunk and bulligerant.
Since then, we have seen him and he is very scared of Adam. I've told every woman in that town about him and what he did to me. I never got to turn him in because I felt that since I didn't fight harder and actually told him where the condoms were, I wouldn't be believed. He has since gained the reputation of a rapist and asshole. No woman will go near him and I have been told that women are further spreading the word to others. I hope he never does this again to any other woman. He knows that I know he's still out there. He knows that I can blow the whistle on him and get him in a lot of trouble (he likes to go after the young ones now). He will RUN out of any bar that I am in. I never did go to therapy, and have since grown very skittish when surrounded by a lot of men. I never again slept in that bed and refused to wear the clothes I was wearing. The bedding has since been thrown away along with the bed and blanket. Its been how I dealt with it. Just wanted to put that out there. I'm not looking for sympathy, just for understanding. I'll never again be the same nieve woman I used to be 4 years ago.
Forever growing, this boy of ours...
14 years ago