Here I stand...on the verge again

I hate 2ww. I'm back here again because I finally ovulated, and now I have to wait until my period shows. Hopefully, everything will go in a different direction. I want this cycle over with. I would actually welcome my period too. One of the few times I actually feel that I can accept her coming and not lose my mind. There is a part of me that really wants her to be late and I can find out I'm pregnant again, but there are so many things that I worry about now. We were denied the state insurance we needed to help us cover the hospital bill. I'm hoping to be able to plead to the case worker's sensitive side and understand what is going on. We don't make that much. Its basically just helping us keep ahead of Adam's student loans. I've had to go on forebarence on one of mine. Its time to pay off that schooling that I *had to have*. What a waste of $18 grand.
If we find out we are pregnant again (which I doubt because of bad timing) then we will re-apply for insurance. I'm not really sure what result I would want. Do I want to be pregnant again? Do I want to go through that roller coaster again? Would I be unable to be happy? Would I worry right through the good times? If we do get pregnant again this cycle, we would be due around Valentines day. That would be awesome but I'm questioning if I'm really ready to try again. I feel like there is so much working against us. I know I can depend on Adam to help me through the hard times, but I can't help but think, "What if...? What if it happens again? What if we never get to be parents? What if I get farther along and we lose it? What if...?" I'm so scared. I feel that I would be a good mom, but I can't help but be scared out of my wits. I know I want to try again, but I'm not sure when. This sounds like I'm not ready at all, but I am. I'm just really worried about what *could* happen. It doesn't help when there are certain people who are always talking about how they are pregnant and this is going on and this and this and this. Then they whine about all those little things that come with being pregnant. Hello, I would still trade places with you. I would rather be throwing up my inner everythings rather than sitting in front of the computer on the verge of tears thinking about what I would KILL to have and what I have lost.
My mom is always asking me how I am *really* doing when we talk on the phone. I'm fine mom, really. Yes, I'm still taking the prenatals. No, its not a bad thing that I'm taking them before I am pregnant. Yes, we are leaning on each other for support. No, we aren't pregnant again. Yes, I would love to be pregnant again. No, we don't know when it will happen again. She means well enough, its just a lot to have to answer over and over. I love her to death and how she's been there for me and listens if I need it. I only wish I could send her a copy of TCOYF and be able to really talk about all this fertility crap with her. We are talking about a woman that was raped and gave birth to my older brother, then got married and tried for over a year to get pregnant and was about to give up when she got pregnant with me. Then about 15 years later, got pregnant again pretty much on accident. That is how I have the siblings I have. She knows how painful it is to try and not get the results you want but she's never been through this. Its apples vs. oranges. My dad is totally clueless and keeps telling me that I'm still very young and if we "just relax" it will happen. Sorry, but I'm not going to stop monitoring what's going on with my body. He's like a walking billboard of bad things to say to a woman who miscarries. "Its just your body stopping something bad from happening" "At least it happened early rather than later on" "Something must have gone wrong in how it was developing, Give thanks that it happened because children with disabilities are a handful" Thanks Daddy. Not helpful. Every once in a while, I'm able to talk to Adam's mom about it. For the most part, she just listens and gives me a hug and encouragement (Megan, it WILL happen again, when its time.) when I feel like falling apart.
I haven't really cried in a while but today was a really hard day. I had people bitching at me like everything ringing up wrong was all my fault and that I was a total idiot who didn't know how to do their job. One of them was VERY pregnant. she literally snapped at me and told me that *I* buried her coupons with her groceries...before I even started on her order. The belt wasn't moving when she loaded it, so I don't know what the hell she was trying to pull, but I let it slide because she's pregnant. You only get so many free passes though. I know it can be really hard being knocked up and that its not all puppies, rainbows, and butterflies. But for Christ's sake, smile! You are glowing! You might not feel like anything special, but look at the miracle you are helping to create! Don't walk around like someone pissed in your Cheerios. Don't bitch to me about how its so hard and I should be *sooo* happy I'm not in their shoes. Umm, thanks. I was once. I actually had a hard time *NOT* smiling. I had Adam kissing my belly (showing love to baby) and telling me that there was *something* different about me. I loved it! Cramps and all. Don't tell me to be happy I'm not in your shoes. I would trade just about anything to have that back again.