Crazy life

There are some things really weighing on my mind lately. I've been too damn nice to too many people. I've bent over backwards for some for no reason, I've gone out of my way to make someone else's day and got nothing in return. I think its about time I put a stop to that (well, I'll apply this to people who take advantage of me) and I'm not going to go back on this. Putting it out there on blast, I sent a package to someone and got nothing back. No message saying they did or didn't get the package. No "Thank you" or anything along those lines. This person has actually taken steps to push me out of their life even more. But I'm willing to bet that they will come running back the instant they want more of what I sent the first time. Tough shit, girlfriend.
I've also been going crazy with so many other things in life. Having had the 2 year anniversary of losing our little angel fall on National Infertility Week, little man is driving me nuts with how he eats (messier than messy!) and all the other things going on, its been kind of crazy.
I've been thinking a lot about that little angel we lost. Who would that baby have looked like? What would that little angel be doing? Would they be running and playing all the time? Would they help out with Anthony? But now I also wonder if they are watching out for Anthony. I know there are some times when lil man really should get hurt more than he does or he manages to avoid by the skin of his gums, but I wonder if there is a little angel on his shoulder helping him navigate this life. I know he sees something from time to time and sometimes its a good experience, but not always. I also think there are other angels who watch over us. I just pray they keep all the bad vibes away and we get to have nothing but happy times.
They hubby and I have been hitting another rough patch lately. Not really sure how we get to these points and why we stick in this funk for so long, but we do. Lately, it all has to do with parenting and spending time together without having family over or spending time with them all the time and not having time to be just a family of 3. I've noticed that our weekends with just the 3 of us are pretty laid back and we get to really focus on being us, a loving family raising one hell of an adorable little boy. I really hope that this whole summer doesn't become one big ball of messed up-ness like the past month or so has. I would like to stay home once in a while (there are VERY deep reasons for these feelings) and not feel so much pressure from other people (**COUGHCOUGH**INLAWS**COUGHCOUGH**) to come down EVERY weekend and give up ALL our time with lil man so that they can say they get to see him once a week and get to hold him all the time (even though there are some who get to see him 2-3 times a week and STILL say they NEVER get to see him EVER and NEVER get to hold him even though they hold him the WHOLE TIME we are there...no matter how often we are around other people in the room). Just because I spend all day taking care of Anthony all the time doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with him when we are other places with other people. I DO like to hold and play with my own child more than once in a great while. And when I'm nursing, BACK THE FUCK OFF. You distract my kid while he's nursing and then when you see he's not latched on and he's focused on you, that does NOT mean he's done eating and you get to rip him out of my hands. (Yes this has happened, more than once). If you don't/didn't like it when your relatives and in laws did it to you, DO NOT do it to another parent. Seriously. It drives me up a fuckin wall. I'm also supposed to want to pawn my lil man off on other people so they can watch him all the time. I'm not supposed to want to go shopping, garage sale shopping, go out to eat, etc with him. I'm supposed to give him over to someone else who doesn't know him as well just because they feel entitled to it. Guess what? I'm going to bring my son with where I go because I like to show him off and because I don't want to be away from him for very long at all. Illogical? Maybe, but guess what? Its how I feel. Get over it. I carried him in my ute for 39 weeks, I labored for HOW LONG and PUSHED HIM OUT. I get to make choices like that. Please put your suggestions in that little box located next to the shredding machine.
We are going out of state in June and I can NOT wait! My mom and her whole side of the family will finally get to meet lil man and I get to see some people I haven't seen in up to 10 years. I have friends I haven't seen in that long and family I haven't seen since I got married. Some I haven't seen in even longer! Not sure how the 15 hour car ride will be with lil man, but I'll be in the back seat (no one else will be back there with me either) to take care of him. Fight me on it and you will lose. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I'll fake sleeping if I have to just so I get to stay back there. But this trip is going to be awesome. I just have to figure out the whole situation with my brother.
Ok, so my brother is going to be 27 this year. 27 going on 3. He's been so irresponsible with his whole life. He dropped out of school, met the wrong women, got 2 women pregnant within 3 years of each other, got in a TON of trouble, went to prison, got out, violated parole, went back to prison, got out, and has been floundering around here and there ever since. Lovely example for his kids right? Well, I'm not sure I want him around my son. I'll come to that bridge later. I just don't know what to do. Should I be the bitch little sister and say no, or should I let them meet and let brother know there is NO funny business around my son? Not sure yet.
So much running through my mind and I don't know where to put it all. I'm thinking I should go to bed and see if I can sort out more of my thoughts there. Or maybe I'll just spend the whole night keeping a certain lil man happy and cry free...who knows.
To whoever does read this, input is appreciated.