Ok, I have no idea what is making me so sad but I know that I just can't cheer up. Its like this huge black blanket is being pulled over me and all I want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for me. I'm so sick and tired of crying over what has happened. I know I'm still going to have bad days. And I do. But come on! My body seems to be rebelling against me, I have no energy to do anything I used to do, I hate just getting up to go to work, I hate being at work, I hate many things about where we live, I hate cooking lately (and I LOVE cooking now). What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm so sick and tired of my body taking so much longer each cycle to do what its supposed to do. I just want a friggin baby for crying out loud! Why can't I just ovulate and get it over with! I keep thinking that in some sick way that me miscarrying is God's way of saying that, while I really want a baby, I'm not meant to be more than just a mom to a poor abandoned kitten. That is horrible to think but its true. I'm also petrified to get pregnant again and keep thinking that if I do get pregnant again, that I will just miscarry again. I know I should really not think that way but I'm so scared. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if my only chance was flushed away that night?
Sad but true.
Song for the mood: http://youtube.com/watch?v=V54XBiOEuyc&feature=related
Forever growing, this boy of ours...
14 years ago
4 comments:
Sweety, you will be a mom soon I can feel it. God is letting you get practice with the kitty and getting you used to being the mom role. It will happen agian soon and you will have a h&h 9 months this time. Here come the hugs again....((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Love Ya!
Oh Megan, I feel so terrible that you are feeling all of these things. And also...there have been times that I could copy and paste those words and put them in my own blog.
I also wondered if my miscarriage was God's way of saying that I wasn't supposed to be a mommy or that this wasn't the time to start TTC and that we should stop trying. But one of my friends who has had a miscarriage said that she had her daughter the cycle after her first period after the m/c. And if she hadn't had a miscarriage, she would not have had her beautiful daughter. That really stuck out to me because if you see her and her family, you know that it was God's plan for her to have that little girl. Even though I still feel like something great was taken away, I know that in the future I'll be holding something equally great in my arms, a baby that I wouldn't have had otherwise.
I completely understand about you not wanting to get up and cook and stuff. I quit my job and lately I've been sleeping until at least 10 every morning because I can't get myself out of bed. I've cooked some since the miscarriage but not as much as I used to. Also, the house really needs to be cleaned, but I can barely make myself care some days. Lately it's been better, but I'm taking it slow and know there will be days I go back to having no motivation and only feeling grief.
I hope you can get past this enough to start enjoying things again and realize that you are supposed to be a mother...to a human baby of your own!! And concentrate on your beautiful kitty for now...you have no other distractions so you can focus your motherly instincts on her. :-)
I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I have found that after losing our baby, I have a few days where I feel pretty good, then I'll have a few days when I'm sobbing uncontrollably. I feel like it definitely comes in waves.
I worry so much too about 'next time'. What if there won't be a next time, what if our one chance was with this baby and it got taken away from us, what if I do get pregnant again and lose another baby. All of those what ifs are hard to ignore, and I think they are normal things to feel after going through what you did. I just try to tell myself that I'll somehow get through the bad days, and that somehow, I'll feel hopeful again. (((hugs))) Please know I'm here for you anytime you need me!
I've given you a blogger award on my blog http://christmasinmarch.blogspot.com
I hope you are feeling better and that we hear from you soon!
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